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View attachment 181005​

Typical Walmart shopper...

 

Typical Walmart shopper...

I'd say she's a bit more elegant than your average Jane...

 

Way too gussied up for Wally World.

 

So here's a riddle I made up just for this thread!

Q) What did the parasite say to the host when he started a course of antihelminthics?

A) Nice try! But now I really must encyst

 

A man - in mid life crisis - buys a new BMW.
Top down, wind blowing through what's left of his hair
Radio playing while rolling down the interstate.

Not paying attention, his speed has crept up a bit above the speed limit. He passes Highway Patrol. Lights come on - and the chase is on. "They're not going to catch ME in this new BMW!" Speeds hit 80, 85, 90 - - - 100, then he realizes running isn't going to work. Foot off the gas, he slows and safely pulls to a stop at the side of the highway.

The patrol officer, miffed because it's the end of shift and he really doesn't want to do all that paperwork walks up to the car and politely says "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? Look! It's the end of my shift and I really don't want to do this. If you can give me a good reason why you ran like that, I'll consider letting you off with a warning.

Without hesitation the man said "Two weeks ago my wife ran off with a cop. I saw you and got scared. I thought you were bringing her back."

 

For those who may wonder what my signature means (I change it often, currently it says "laer si aixelsyd") If you haven't figured it out yet, give it some thought. Then PM me I'll post the solution publicly.

 

Four men spend three nights in a hotel near a convention. The company sets them up with two rooms. One man, lets call him Tom, is notoriously noisy when he sleeps - he snores like a champ. The other three men know this and consider that it's not fair to make one of them spend all three nights in the same room. So they decide to each spend a night in Tom's room.

Next morning Tom and two men are bright eyed and wide awake while the first man has bloodshot eyes and is exhausted from having gotten no sleep. The second night a second man spends the night in the same room. The next morning HE is the one with bloodshot eyes and feeling exhausted. Come the third night the third man spends the night in the room with Tom. Next morning all three are awake, bright eyed and ready for the day when Tom comes down to join them. Tom's eyes are bloodshot and he's exhausted.

The other two men asked "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?" The third man quietly spoke and said "Right before we went to sleep I went over to Tom and said 'Good night sweetheart' and I tenderly kissed him." Tom stayed up all night keeping an eye on me.

 

Reverend Jessy Jackson and Mike Tyson went to visit the Pope at the Vatican. In the waiting room Mike was eating peanuts and throwing the shells on the floor. Jessy said to Mike "What are you doing? They're going to kick us out of here!" Mike said "They have servants to clean them up."

The pope came out and leaned over and whispered in Mikes ear and made the sign of the cross over him; then left. Astonished, Jessy said to Mike "What the ? ? ? I'm a Reverend and you bash peoples brains. Why did he speak to you and not to me ? ? ? What did he say to you?" To which Mike said "The pope said to me as he pointed at my face, then the ground, then pointed to you and then the door, he said 'I want you to pick up that mess and you and your friend - get the hell out of here!'"

 

Called work this morning. Told the boss I couldn't come to work because I had to go to court. He asked why. I told him I had to answer charges of stalking my last boss who said I took too much time off.

 

Real men like real dogs. A dog is not a real dog if it bounces when it barks.

{{{note to self - pg. 76}}}

 

I bought a "Smart Stud Finder" at Home Depot last night to help hang my new 80" UHD TV.

It doesn't work.

No matter where I place it on the wall, it points at me.

 

@Tonyr1084 since you made SIX posts after mine when one would do, I have 2 wonder if you were trying to bury my joke? Cuz if so, it only goes to show you're one of those totally strange, weird ppl who are repulsed by very thought of poor helpless internal parasites!

I change it often, currently it says "laer si aixelsyd"

Tonyr1084 I know dyslexia is real but I say don't worry abt it! Cuz I say it's more like somebody reversed your eyes' horizontal deflection leads as practical joke when you weren't looking!

I bought a "Smart Stud Finder" at Home Depot last night to help hang my new 80" UHD TV.

It doesn't work.

No matter where I place it on the wall, it points at me.

Joeyd999 normally I'd make sarcastic reply like _vanity is no problem for you, is it?_ but since your avatar TOTALLY argues against vanity, you've got me all confused!

So here's totally honest, prolly unnecessary, disclaimer: This whole post is just meant in spirit of totally friendly fun!

 

@Aleph No, I wasn't trying to bury anyone's posts. Sorry if you feel that way. Honestly, your joke went a little over my head.

@joeyd999 I think your 'Stud' finder is defective. Take it back and tell them it's more of a Dud finder.

 

...you've got me all confused!

Man rule #1 (from the Manual): Always keep the ladies off balance.

 

Man rule #1 (from the Manual): Always keep the ladies off balance.

I dated an Eileen once. Does that count?

 

I dated an Eileen once. Does that count?

No. She was born off balance.

 

Re: @Aleph(0)'s 'riddle'...

@Aleph No, I wasn't trying to bury anyone's posts. Sorry if you feel that way. Honestly, your joke went a little over my head.

---Emphasis Added---

But then you're being far too gracious! -- I aver that @Aleph(0)'s 'joke' more likely went a little under your feet! -- Seems her penchant for 'plays on words' is proving to be a life-long affliction

Cuz I say it's more like somebody reversed your eyes' horizontal deflection leads as practical joke

I must confess - that one made me smile --- Though it's sure to be 'lost' upon all save for us 'retro TV restoration buffs'

Very best regards
HP

 

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