Hello again,

Well the other day i went to visit the grave site of her mother.
It was very sad because all she has right now is a piece of wood and a little sign with her name on it about 5x7 inches that sticks into the ground. Her two sisters (the other ones i knew back then) where near that site too, so i got to see theirs also. They have beautiful black gloss finish stones with beautiful white writing on them. The one of the sister that sang with her husband long after the five sister group broke up had two guitars engraved in white, just like the two guitars they both played when performing on stage. It was beautiful. I might post a pic or two but i'll have to take the names out to protect my friend.

Unfortunately it took me one and a half hours to find her moms grave. I found the other two within about a half hour but there were no row markers or anything so it was difficult. There was no one around to ask either, and one other person visiting their grandmother didnt know how to find a particular grave either. I was lucky i had a smart phone so i could look up the number of the cemetery, but calling the number all i got was a recording, so i left a message. I had no hope of finding the right site so i drove out and down the street. Lucky for me, the phone rang and i pulled over and answered and it was the main caretaker. She told me how to find the grave but it was not very clear so she said she would drive down and show me. I thought that was super nice of her. Then i went back to the area where the other two sisters were buried and she came by, and just as she drove up i spotted the right grave! What strange luck huh? It was close to the other two, and because of the plot numbering it made it seem like it was very far from the other two (number very much larger than the other two) so at first i did not pay too much attention to the closer graves.
So anyway, the caretaker told me all about the cemetery and how to find grave sites, and that took another hour. She tried to show me on her smart phone but geeze the sun was too bright and i could hardly see the contents on the phone. She was really really nice though, and said she likes to get to know the people associated with those sisters and other folks buried in the place. She knew their story too so it was cool to talk to her about that as well. She also informed me that flowers have to be within 10 inches of the front of the grave, something that would help me later because if you plant them too far out the lawn mower would hit them.
So now a good 2 hours into it, she shook my hand and i drove off and went on my quest to find a flower shop. Lucky i found one a few miles away, and bought a couple nice roses and it came with a fern and some other little white flowers. So i went back and planted them in front of the grave.
I took pictures of all the stones and her mom's grave site. From what i gather, the stone will soon be in place and i will venture back to get some pics.

It is so sad though that when i knew these women they were so alive and bursting with talent and just wonderful to be around, but now they are buried in the ground. Makes you wonder what life is really for after all. I also have pics of them when they were just little girls maybe 10 y/o and so it's like looking at their whole lives in a single heartbeat. Sometimes it just doesnt make sense.

 

It is so sad though that when i knew these women they were so alive and bursting with talent and just wonderful to be around, but now they are buried in the ground. Makes you wonder what life is really for after all. I also have pics of them when they were just little girls maybe 10 y/o and so it's like looking at their whole lives in a single heartbeat. Sometimes it just doesnt make sense.

While their physical remains are in the ground, their souls live on in the people they touched. Their talent made many people happy. Their lives affected those around them, both by enriching the lives of their family and teaching them about life.

That’s what fills me when I visit a grave. I’m reminded of what I learned from the person whose body is in the ground. Memories of laughter and tears fill my heart. The gravesite doesn’t contain just s body. It contains so much more.

Life is really about living. About making the world a better place because you have been in it. About the many, many people who are better off for knowing you.

Remember that the next time you visit. I don’t want you to be sad.

 

It is so sad though that when i knew these women they were so alive and bursting with talent and just wonderful to be around, but now they are buried in the ground. Makes you wonder what life is really for after all. I also have pics of them when they were just little girls maybe 10 y/o and so it's like looking at their whole lives in a single heartbeat. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense.

We are only here for a short time. I tend to believe the deceased live on in our hearts and minds forever, until we go to the grave. In my age group we are all slowly dying off but when I gather with old friends we always remember our dead. Mostly with humor of things we all did. Fond memories of days gone by. It is simply how it is and how life works.

A few days ago the Vietnam Wall Memorial, the rolling one, came to a local VFW post. We had a single beautiful day so I took my bike out and went to see it. I looked at the names of two kids I grew up with and realized how fortunate I am in that I returned home alive and how early those friends were taken. I think about Brendan and Walter every now and then and while they went to an early grave their memories live on with me and others whose lives they touched. That's what is important, they live on within us. Nobody can ever take away the memories you share of those girls, they will live on with you forever. Try to think of it that way.

Ron

 

Thanks for the kind words @djsfantasi and @Reloadron . You guys are really great.

Yes sometimes we look at the afterlife in different ways and sometimes it seems sad that the people we most love seem to go way too soon.

I could go on and on because of the way i feel about this. But let me try and lighten the load just a little.
One day in LA i went out to get some food for myself and my friend, and she said she wanted various things and one of them was cookies. So i went out to buy some food and i saw a 'roll' of Oreo cookies so i bought them along with the other stuff.
Now here i am in LA, more than 2500 miles from my home in NJ, and what do you think it says on the package label?
Yeah, "East Hanover, NJ"
Moral of the story? You can take the cookie out of NJ but you cant take NJ out of the cookie. (ha ha).

 

Hi again,

Well some bad news. She's mad at me again.

What happened was we were supposed to check out at 12 noon but she was still sleeping, so i called the front desk and asked for another 1/2 hour and they said ok. But then she slept past that too, and i started getting worried that they might add another day and charge us for it.
So finally she got up, close to 1 o'clock, and she kept asking for a ride to her sisters house, which i would have been more than happy to do because her sister was someone i knew way back then too. But i had a couple problems. One, the check engine light came on the day before and i did not know what was wrong with the car, and i didnt want to take a chance on stalling in the middle of a highway with her in the car. Two, it was raining and i was really tired because i barely got maybe 3 hours sleep per night for the last 4 nights, and i dont think it would have been safe to drive her.
So i told her i cant drive and when she asked i told her because of the check engine light.
She naturally did not understand, and asked me a second, third, forth times, and also 'why' that many times. I lost my cool a little and snapped at her a little (not too drasitic but still might be called a snap) and said, "i am not driving", with some emphasis. I told her i would pay for the Uber to come and get her and drive her. She still was not too happy.
Later that day i find out she is mad at me and she's still mad now. So she was texting some pretty nasty words and believe me when she starts she goes on and on. In fact, i realized that she was remembering things that i did that she did not like all through the visit, and just now bringing them all up at once.
So im not sure what i am going to do yet.

Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions appreciated.

 

Man, take off those colored goggles so you can see the red flags.

 

Man, take off those colored goggles so you can see the red flags.

Hi,

Ha ha, that's cool.

But what do you do when you have strong affections for this person and you want the best for them?

 

Hi,

Ha ha, that's cool.

But what do you do when you have strong affections for this person and you want the best for them?

That's a tough question ... but sometimes backing down a bit is the best approach. Remember, a relationship is a two-way affair. It simply cannot work if the other part does not reciprocate at the same level that you're willing to go. Your posts make her sound rather intense (if you like intense, then there's nothing wrong with that), but also a little self-centered. Keep in mind that both of your lives should improve with each other's company.

 

Hi,

Ha ha, that's cool.
But what do you do when you have strong affections for this person and you want the best for them?

You help them. But you don't try for the CMO by throwing yourself on a live grenade.

She has so many danger flags...needs Ambien for sleep, sleeps past noon with a check out time of noon, can't handle a dead pet, gets p.o.'ed that you want to find out the cause of a check engine light, etc.

In the Magical Kingdom,"Its a Small World" takes 14 minutes, but the music stays in your head forever. Carpe diem.

 

That's a tough question ... but sometimes backing down a bit is the best approach. Remember, a relationship is a two-way affair. It simply cannot work if the other part does not reciprocate at the same level that you're willing to go. Your posts make her sound rather intense (if you like intense, then there's nothing wrong with that), but also a little self-centered. Keep in mind that both of your lives should improve with each other's company.

Actually the best advice is to run as far and as fast as you can. You get over a broken heart unless of course it is from a knife being stabbed through your chest.

 

Actually the best advice is to run as far and as fast as you can.

... I was going to mention that as plan B ...

 

But what do you do when you have strong affections for this person and you want the best for them?

I can answer this one. You bite the bullet, prepare yourself with a message to her and explain to her that you have to pull back.

It will be excruciatingly painful. And give yourself plenty of time to process what you’ve done.

But don’t give in. Stand strong. Remind yourself why you came to this decision. Feel the sadness. But don’t let it fester. Let it go.

And above all... remind yourself that you want the best for her. Remind yourself that what you’re doing IS the best for her. Your affection for her will not survive when your feelings are hurt by her.

I just went through this. And both of our lives are better.

 

Something about "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" comes to mind. Well really it's not like you scorned her, the way I read it anyway but while you were being sensible with the check engine light since the car ran she apparently saw things different. I have to agree with:

But don’t give in. Stand strong. Remind yourself why you came to this decision. Feel the sadness. But don’t let it fester. Let it go.

And above all... remind yourself that you want the best for her. Remind yourself that what you’re doing IS the best for her. Your affection for her will not survive when your feelings are hurt by her.

At our age we are pretty much set in our ways and thinking. Neither you nor she is going to change so if this was or is an indicator of things to come you may want to place some long and careful thought into the relationship. Then too, I can't speak for you or her.

Ron

 

That's a tough question ... but sometimes backing down a bit is the best approach. Remember, a relationship is a two-way affair. It simply cannot work if the other part does not reciprocate at the same level that you're willing to go. Your posts make her sound rather intense (if you like intense, then there's nothing wrong with that), but also a little self-centered. Keep in mind that both of your lives should improve with each other's company.

Hello,

Yes that's a pretty good summation.

I guess i look at this *partly* as a parent dealing with a child with a mental disability. You cant punish the child for some things because they dont know any better or cant control it. She appears to be very strong, yet emotionally she is very fragile. This confuses me so i sometimes forget how sensitive she is. That's what happened that day. I snapped because i forgot that.

 

At our age we are pretty much set in our ways and thinking. Neither you nor she is going to change...

Maybe not. Maybe.

I know at least one person who successfully made major life changes, in the way they thought and behaved, in their early 60s to mid 60s.

So, it’s possible.

 

You help them. But you don't try for the CMO by throwing yourself on a live grenade.

She has so many danger flags...needs Ambien for sleep, sleeps past noon with a check out time of noon, can't handle a dead pet, gets p.o.'ed that you want to find out the cause of a check engine light, etc.

In the Magical Kingdom,"Its a Small World" takes 14 minutes, but the music stays in your head forever. Carpe diem.

Hi,

I see what you mean, but i feel that i dont have much choice. As i was saying in another post, it is almost like a parent dealing with a child. You never want to abandon them no matter what.
This is not the same as being stuck though, although it may feel like that sometimes. You stay around because you cant bear to think of what would happen if you didnt.

 

Actually the best advice is to run as far and as fast as you can. You get over a broken heart unless of course it is from a knife being stabbed through your chest.

Hi,

Very interesting view. Although it hurts to leave, eventually the pain will pass. That sounds like good advice but im not sure i can do that. Sometimes you stick it out till the very end always hoping for the best.
The other view is that what would happen to her. She has no one that sticks with her through thick and thin. They always get bugged and leave, probably taking that advice. But the view of what would happen to her, makes me more hesitant than usual.

 

I can answer this one. You bite the bullet, prepare yourself with a message to her and explain to her that you have to pull back.

It will be excruciatingly painful. And give yourself plenty of time to process what you’ve done.

But don’t give in. Stand strong. Remind yourself why you came to this decision. Feel the sadness. But don’t let it fester. Let it go.

And above all... remind yourself that you want the best for her. Remind yourself that what you’re doing IS the best for her. Your affection for her will not survive when your feelings are hurt by her.

I just went through this. And both of our lives are better.

Hi,

I agree to a point but not sure if backing off too far would be good for her because she has no one that stick with her for very long. They all get pissed and leave in a huff. Her friend of 20 years snuck out one night when she went to the bathroom one time just to get away from her.

Unfortunately, she makes it even hard to help her when she says she gets "stressed" at almost everything that has to do with anything responsible. For example, several times i approached her to talk about her electric bill which is again long over due, and she refuses to talk about it right there and then. Then some time later when a shut off alert comes in the mail, suddenly she's baffled and not sure how to pay for it.
It is kind of a nightmare on LA Street but if i ditch her, i could end up deeply regretting it. I just dont want anything too bad to happen to her, ever.

 

Something about "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" comes to mind. Well really it's not like you scorned her, the way I read it anyway but while you were being sensible with the check engine light since the car ran she apparently saw things different. I have to agree with:

At our age we are pretty much set in our ways and thinking. Neither you nor she is going to change so if this was or is an indicator of things to come you may want to place some long and careful thought into the relationship. Then too, I can't speak for you or her.

Ron

Hi,

Yeah i know i did the right thing for both of us.
I have been giving this some thought, and maybe i will try something different.
Interestingly, when we were together day after day i was able to find ways to get her out of her emotional pain. Before she would sometimes start to cry and it would not stop for quite a while. But i found if i am right there with her i can reason with her, and one night i pulled her out of it in a matter of around 45 seconds .. a record! And she seemed fine after that too. I just threw a ton of reason why she didnt have to cry, and it worked. I found other ways too though. It was truly beautiful.
But once she goes back to CA i am not sure what will happen. Over the phone she does not do well because she gets stressed so fast and leaves the phone to go into a cry spell. So maybe after all i wond be able to do that much very soon again.

 

Maybe not. Maybe.

I know at least one person who successfully made major life changes, in the way they thought and behaved, in their early 60s to mid 60s.

So, it’s possible.

Hi,

That sounds good. I figured myself for the very last person on earth that would ever even consider such a move, but things come up we would not have expected in a million years.