Al ... just so I can have a better perspective, but how old are you? ... I'm 54 btw, so there's my side of the secret. But sometimes you sound like a teen in love (I envy you, in a way), who doesn't have a complete perspective of what he's about to face.

If anything, I understand what love (that is [at least in this thread] the up until now forbidden "L" word) is all about. I've been married (only once) for 27 years now. And have two children. A 22 year old boy who's about to leave to study his last two semesters of engineering in Germany, and a 19 year old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy and that knows life from the unique perspective that a wheelchair has to offer. It is she who comes to mind when I think about what you've been telling us.

My daughter is an angel whom I would never, never ever trade for the whole world. And neither would my boy nor my wife. She is a godsend that brings the best out of people when they take the time to pay closer attention to, and then learn that most of the things that they've surrounded their lives with are only meaningless and expensive toys.

So yes, I know exactly what it's like to love someone with a disability. But even with her I'm aware that this is not a fair one-on-one relationship. You see, for every ounce of love that I give her, she answers with a ton more of the same thing that I find impossible to match. She makes us so happy that she's become the center of our home. And there's nothing that any of us would ever not do to make her life any happier, if it were possible.

So even her, whom my wife and I have to feed three times a day with a spoon, and my boy and I have to lift up (all 100 pounds of her) to her high chair, and then bring down after she's done, and change her diapers ... and then wake her in the mornings, and then put her to bed at night ... lifting her up and down every single time because she can't either stand nor sit on her own ... Even her (and especially her) has the will to do what it takes to make everyone's lives better. You see, she is the exact opposite of selfishness. She will renounce the attention being paid to her so that whoever is grieving or distressed in the family group receives whatever emotional support he/she needs.

To make myself clear. She has this uncanny sixth sense that allows her to know when someone surrounding her is suffering or going through a hard personal moment. I know ... because I've later questioned the recipients of her attention, and they have never failed to tell me the truth about their current situation and how they've felt deeply moved by her attention. In a phrase: she reciprocates ... and her disability, severe as it is, does not stop her from doing so.

So here's my question ... from what you've so far been telling us, you sound as you'd be more than willing to spend the rest of your life with her in her current (quite possibly permanent) psychological situation ... Do you think she would be willing to do the same for you? And if she didn't .... if she weren't by her very nature able to match your feelings for her ... would you be willing to spend the rest of your life in a give-give-give-and-only-give relationship with no hope of receiving anything in return? ... I mean, you've made it clear that you like her ... but you sound infatuated ... and trust me, that always eventually wears off.

 

Al ... just so I can have a better perspective, but how old are you? ... I'm 54 btw, so there's my side of the secret. But sometimes you sound like a teen in love (I envy you, in a way), who doesn't have a complete perspective of what he's about to face.

If anything, I understand what love (that is [at least in this thread] the up until now forbidden "L" word) is all about. I've been married (only once) for 27 years now. And have two children. A 22 year old boy who's about to leave to study his last two semesters of engineering in Germany, and a 19 year old daughter who was born with cerebral palsy and that knows life from the unique perspective that a wheelchair has to offer. It is she who comes to mind when I think about what you've been telling us.

My daughter is an angel whom I would never, never ever trade for the whole world. And neither would my boy nor my wife. She is a godsend that brings the best out of people when they take the time to pay closer attention to, and then learn that most of the things that they've surrounded their lives with are only meaningless and expensive toys.

So yes, I know exactly what it's like to love someone with a disability. But even with her I'm aware that this is not a fair one-on-one relationship. You see, for every ounce of love that I give her, she answers with a ton more of the same thing that I find impossible to match. She makes us so happy that she's become the center of our home. And there's nothing that any of us would ever not do to make her life any happier, if it were possible.

So even her, whom my wife and I have to feed three times a day with a spoon, and my boy and I have to lift up (all 100 pounds of her) to her high chair, and then bring down after she's done, and change her diapers ... and then wake her in the mornings, and then put her to bed at night ... lifting her up and down every single time because she can't either stand nor sit on her own ... Even her (and especially her) has the will to do what it takes to make everyone's lives better. You see, she is the exact opposite of selfishness. She will renounce the attention being paid to her so that whoever is grieving or distressed in the family group receives whatever emotional support he/she needs.

To make myself clear. She has this uncanny sixth sense that allows her to know when someone surrounding her is suffering or going through a hard personal moment. I know ... because I've later questioned the recipients of her attention, and they have never failed to tell me the truth about their current situation and how they've felt deeply moved by her attention. In a phrase: she reciprocates ... and her disability, severe as it is, does not stop her from doing so.

So here's my question ... from what you've so far been telling us, you sound as you'd be more than willing to spend the rest of your life with her in her current (quite possibly permanent) psychological situation ... Do you think she would be willing to do the same for you? And if she didn't .... if she weren't by her very nature able to match your feelings for her ... would you be willing to spend the rest of your life in a give-give-give-and-only-give relationship with no hope of receiving anything in return? ... I mean, you've made it clear that you like her ... but you sound infatuated ... and trust me, that always eventually wears off.

Hi,

Thanks for sharing that, and the insight that it brings.

There is a major difference between the two girls though. Unfortunately it is one of the worst possible i think. See, she has ADHD, and one of the side effects is the lack of empathy. That's probably the worst part.
So although we've talked about a future together, she may never be able to feel the same way i do except for some times when she is calmer. But the calmer times are the very best. That's when her good side comes out from hiding, and trust me, it's very beautiful. She is as loving as can be and quite happy too. So what i try to do is get her into those moods more often, and i was finding ways to do that. But then i lost my cool that one time and she unfortunately dwells on that a little so i dont know what will happen now. I can only hope it goes well.

 

Hi,

Yeah i know i did the right thing for both of us.
I have been giving this some thought, and maybe i will try something different.
Interestingly, when we were together day after day i was able to find ways to get her out of her emotional pain. Before she would sometimes start to cry and it would not stop for quite a while. But i found if i am right there with her i can reason with her, and one night i pulled her out of it in a matter of around 45 seconds .. a record! And she seemed fine after that too. I just threw a ton of reason why she didnt have to cry, and it worked. I found other ways too though. It was truly beautiful.
But once she goes back to CA i am not sure what will happen. Over the phone she does not do well because she gets stressed so fast and leaves the phone to go into a cry spell. So maybe after all i wond be able to do that much very soon again.

Al, I figure it this way. People like you and I are technologist types. That is simply what we are. I have two sisters and a brother who could likely far better relate to this girl than I ever could. They took after our mother, the artist. I fortunately or unfortunately took after my father.

Seriously I think this girl really needs to talk with someone better versed in psychology than my HS health classes or anything I ever learned. I have seen her symptoms before in friends but really never understood them. Some people have problems moving past things. I miss my parents and think of them often but the reality is they are dead. I am grateful for the normal progression in that my parents never had to bury one of their children and I sure as hell never want to bury one of mine or any of my grandchildren. The girl needs to move on and I simply have no clue how. I wish you the best of luck with this but I think she should see someone better trained and educated in psychology that electronics. You can only do so much and I think this is a little beyond your scope.

Ron

 

Al, I figure it this way. People like you and I are technologist types. That is simply what we are. I have two sisters and a brother who could likely far better relate to this girl than I ever could. They took after our mother, the artist. I fortunately or unfortunately took after my father.

Seriously I think this girl really needs to talk with someone better versed in psychology than my HS health classes or anything I ever learned. I have seen her symptoms before in friends but really never understood them. Some people have problems moving past things. I miss my parents and think of them often but the reality is they are dead. I am grateful for the normal progression in that my parents never had to bury one of their children and I sure as hell never want to bury one of mine or any of my grandchildren. The girl needs to move on and I simply have no clue how. I wish you the best of luck with this but I think she should see someone better trained and educated in psychology that electronics. You can only do so much and I think this is a little beyond your scope.

Ron

Hi there Ron,

I appreciate your insight greatly i cant state that strongly enough. In fact, coincidentally i was just talking to a friend there are are two types of people basically, those that are scientifically minded and those that are artistically minded.

Then i was thinking over my life from when i was very young, i was fascinated by anything that was either mechanical or electrical and took almost everything i got apart to examine. However, i always had this artistic side too that rarely got a chance to come out because i was more or less coerced into going down the scientific road by guidance councillors and family due to my IQ. I think back now and wonder if this was a big mistake. I took drama classes and was happy with that, but got talked into taking more tech type classes.
I came to this realization some time after i saw the girl from CA's den in her home in CA with her amazing artwork hanging on all the walls. I had to wonder why i did not take that route. Maybe this is partly due to my age though, as now i am looking at other things when before i was just hell bent on math and electrical stuff.

But it appears God must have come through for me this time as she forgave me for my unusual response
And as i think about it, i cant for the life of me figure out how i was able to stoop to that level after she openly invited me to drive down to where she was staying and join her and she was so kind and generous to me the whole time. I guess i just didnt realize how great of a jesture that was on her part. I mean geeze, she is a beautiful star with thousands of fans and i'm just some guy that does electronics
I am very lucky just to know her let alone be invited to stay with her for several days and nights one on one and see a lot of her artistic expressions ranging from artwork to reality show creations to singing to dancing. I had to be crazy to treat her that way even for a minute.

But things have calmed down now with her daughter back in the picture too. They made up some time during the depositions in NJ as i predicted. She is getting along with her sister too, which is just fantastic. So she is mellowed out for now. I hope it lasts.
She has a doctor now too but the problem with that is he can not be there 24/7 and sometimes she needs to consult at 2 in the morning.

Hopefully this state of things stays constant at least for a while. The only drawback is that with her daughter and sister in the picture there will be less time for me (boo hoo) I do cherish the moments i have with her though it's like nothing i've ever experienced before.

Thanks again.

 

Hello again,

<SOUND ON> "Ding" <SOUND OFF>

Round 3 coming up, stay tuned folks (he he he)

So i might end in up in Los Angeles once again.
As it turns out, due to her friend of 20 years who was supposed to watch the house for her, her house is a mess. He left the back door OPEN and apparently according to her daughter the flies came in and sort of infested the house. So she is afraid to face it alone.
Should i go back with her? That's the question i have to ask myself.
She means the world to me now so i dont know what to do just yet. I guess the main question is can i afford another trip at this point, and probably cleaning supplies and stuff like that, plus food for a couple weeks. She is just going to have to pay for some of it i guess as i cant afford to pay for everything.
I know one thing though, last time i let her go in an Uber by herself i regretted it as all hell broke loose because i wasnt there to explain things in detail to her in a calm manner.

Ideas/suggestions always appreciated.

 

I detect a feeling that you want to go. So go! (If you can afford it)

Listen, if I were to tell you not to go, really, what do I know that would convince you not to do this.

Nothing!

So go... Just be aware enough to protect yourself, that you may hav experienced that cause you to doubt yourself.

 

So go... Just be aware enough to protect yourself, that you may hav experienced that cause you to doubt yourself.

I was gonna say ... if MrAl's consulting with us what he plans to do, of course he must be having doubts ... something tells me that he's already made up his mind, though ... and whatever we say against it might not only not work but maybe make him even more determined ... so what else can I say, but good luck!

 

<SOUND ON> "Ding" <SOUND OFF>

How many "dings" does it take to make a "dong?" Believe it or not, that question has been debated in my profession, and the answer was 3.

Anyway, go, even if you can't afford it. Maybe that will help you see the light. Really, do you want to be a nurse maid to someone who makes such poor decisions yet argues with your sane decisions and gets p.o.'d?

 

I detect a feeling that you want to go. So go! (If you can afford it)

Listen, if I were to tell you not to go, really, what do I know that would convince you not to do this.

Nothing!

So go... Just be aware enough to protect yourself, that you may hav experienced that cause you to doubt yourself.

Hi,

Yeah i guess a lot of this comes down to cost and how much it will cost me to get there, then back again at some point.

It's too bad the flight in a minutes notice costs are so high. The difference is fantastic. For 2 days in advance it could be 471 dollors USD, but for maybe two weeks in advance it could be as low as 200 dollars USD. So good planning is necessary to avoid high cost.
Last trip i paid the $471 USD going, and $425 USD coming back. That's outrageous.

 

I was gonna say ... if MrAl's consulting with us what he plans to do, of course he must be having doubts ... something tells me that he's already made up his mind, though ... and whatever we say against it might not only not work but maybe make him even more determined ... so what else can I say, but good luck!

Hi,

Yeah i guess i am not sure what to do at this point. It is a tough trip but this time i would not be going alone.
I hate to leave her with all that work ahead with no one to help. I'll check first though if i can get her daughter to help instead.

 

How many "dings" does it take to make a "dong?" Believe it or not, that question has been debated in my profession, and the answer was 3.

Anyway, go, even if you can't afford it. Maybe that will help you see the light. Really, do you want to be a nurse maid to someone who makes such poor decisions yet argues with your sane decisions and gets p.o.'d?

Hi,

I have to admit that is a point to think about. She can be so amazing when she's in a good mood, but when she's in a bad mood it is like she keeps a mental record of every wrong you've ever done and makes it apparent all over again all in one fell swoop
The great thing is she is forgiving once she comes down from that "nasty high".

Now you see why i was asking for suggestions and ideas because it is a hard decision to make. It will be great during the good times, but it will be hell during the bad times. This makes me feel that i should ask her daughter to help her first and see what happens. I have a feeling even though they are on good terms she wont want to help without getting paid. Do you believe my friend had to PAY her daughter $200 just to go over and check the house to see how the friend of 20 years was keeping it up? And she only lives 10 minutes away. They are getting along but geeze doesnt anyone do anything for her without getting something in return? I feel so bad for her that's part of why i do stuff for her.

I am supposed to meet up with her again soon i think i am going to have to sit down with her and have a good heart to heart talk. The problem is every time i go to talk to her about important stuff she says she is getting "stressed" and doesnt want to talk much, but this time i think i'll have to try to be insistent and see if she can start to reason some of this out with me.

Oh yeah another thing is that she needs a new refrigerator. The one she wants is going to cost upwards of maybe $1000 USD. I am going to try to talk her into getting a small dorm style fridge until she gets more money coming in. For now she just has some royalties and stuff that does not pay for everything.

I really care for her so wish me luck, and prayers if you are into that. I need all the help i can get

Care for some more bad news?
My other friend in the LA area was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's in the hospital as we speak. Cant win.

 

My prayers are with you. But consider that the cost of a last minute, First Class ticket is a lot less than making a mistake in this matter.

 

Oh yeah another thing is that she needs a new refrigerator. The one she wants is going to cost upwards of maybe $1000 USD. I am going to try to talk her into getting a small dorm style fridge until she gets more money coming in. For now she just has some royalties and stuff that does not pay for everything.

A $1,000 refrigerator is a nice to have if you just happen to have a grand laying around. A $500 refrigerator will do just fine affording 18 cubic feet, what I see as a practical refrigerator that will serve just fine. When one can't afford what they want they settle for less and be happy, especially if it is a gift.
Al, you may wish to place some long and serious thought into all of this.

Ron

 

Hi again,

Well she is buying it not me, but i am going to try to talk her into buying a smaller one just for now so she can save some money.

I have been thinking about it and it's not easy to decide but i hate to leave her all alone too.
I'll see what the next discussion turns up. If it turns out good and reasonable that will be in her favor, but if not i might just not go this time and maybe defer until a couple weeks later. I have things going on too right here in NJ next week anyway that i would have to reschedule.

 

Hello again,

Been a while since i commented here because we had a very bad weekend some time ago and i did not want to talk about it. Actually i still dont and so i wont as i came this close >< to losing her for good. It was a very trying time for me.

But now 'we' are doing well but 'she' isnt doing too well unfortunately. I hadnt heard from her for a full week almost and i was worried almost to death but finally a call came in earlier tonight. She could not refill her medicine which stops her from being severely depressed and so she was a total wreck. I tried to comfort her but her old problems came sweeping back in, like how much she misses her mom who passed away some 6 years ago.
I told her it takes time to get over some things but i dont think that helps. She needs her medicine.
She also inquired about me coming out there to CA again so it looks like another road trip for me. I love the area though too now and anxious to go again and see her again. Overall she is a huge blessing the likes of which i've never experienced before this. I just wish i had better words for her when this happens as i cant get there right away this time. Last time she asked i ran out there in two days but i need more time this time because i have things going on here too that i have to deal with.

But anyway, did anyone here ever try Alaska Airlines? That is looking decent financially speaking. Thanks in advance.

 

But anyway, did anyone here ever try Alaska Airlines? That is looking decent financially speaking. Thanks in advance.

Love Alaska Airlines, usually my first choice for LV trips. Portland is a major hub for them.

 

Oh thank you for the info. I am happy to hear that as i see some good prices.
Do they also have back of the seat monitors for watching tv shows or movies like United has?

Quick update:
Some really good news from CA late last night.
She has reunited with her old friend of 20 years and he was at her home keeping her company.
Even better, she is checking into a rehab center!!!!
That is the best news so far from CA. The gal she talked to said she would not need to take any medicine once she gets out. This is monumental news because she will be clear of any prescription drugs or alcohol. I dont think i have gotten any better news from anyone ever

 

That's good to hear Al and while I don't know her I do know all of this has been a very long road for you. Now get out and enjoy what is left of our summer season.

Ron

 

That's good to hear Al and while I don't know her I do know all of this has been a very long road for you. Now get out and enjoy what is left of our summer season.

Ron

Hi,

He he yeah, very long and uncharted road full of surprises. But actually i welcome the fall coming because i love the cooler weather. Not cold though, but just cooler where i might have to wear a light jacket (but not full overcoat).
I should thank you again though because you were the one who talked me into going out there in the first place That was an experience of a lifetime and as frightening and difficult as it was at times i eventually came to missing the area out there which is so beautiful. It's not downtown Los Angeles it's like on the outskirts so it's calm and peaceful. The only thing i dont like is the nearest ShopRite is almost 20 miles away and i like fresh food not fast food all the time and Uber Eats fast food ha ha.
Well thanks again Ron and thanks for the reply too.

 

That was an experience of a lifetime and as frightening and difficult as it was at times i eventually came to missing the area out there which is so beautiful.

Someday Al, if you can get out there with a well planned trip, rather than a window seat at 30,000 feet do a well planned drive cross country. Just do it during the summer months. Much of the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Anyway, glad things seem to be coming together for her. There are likely some issues well out of our areas of expertise. These things are best left to those with experience in their chosen fields of study.

Later
Ron