Hello there,

I have this special friend in CA and she has a very hard time with death of loved ones. I know we all do, but she has a very very hard time dealing with this and can not seem to get over her mom's death from years ago and not too long ago her beloved little doggie was killed by a bigger doggie in a very violent and gruesome way i hate to even talk about but to explain i probably have to, and she witnessed the whole thing. The bigger dog took the beloved little dog's head in it's mouth and bit down hard, thus breaking the little dogs neck and probably instant death.

Thing is, i feel for this woman and when she feels bad it makes me feel bad too, and i hate to see her grieve over this. I thought she was getting over it but that is not the case partly because it has been exacerbated by one of her relatives blaming her for the incident and convincing other family members the same so that they stay mad at her. It's literally a crying shame.

Thing is, what do you tell someone that lost a beloved pet like that. It was her companion of a sort for a long time before that and she has many fond memories of time spent with that little dog.

I tried to come up with ideas but I'm totally at a loss for words. Any ideas? Thanks much.

 

Help them get a new pet.

 

This may not be too much use but instead telling her something, listen to her. Let her talk about it, and reflect what she says. Don't try to fix it, share it, literally sympathize, acknowledge how bad it is. People will let you know when they need you to tell them things will be alright, but many times people need to hear that it is OK for them to feel really bad, and that's alright too.

Just a possibility.

 

FWIW, there are professionals that can truly help people suffering a loss of any kind, be it death of a family member, a pet, or even just transitions in life such as moving or getting a different job. My wife runs a life coaching business with a friend, and this is part of what they offer. I'm not saying you need an expensive doctor or anything like that. I'm just saying the victim can learn that they're not alone in their grief and that virtually everyone has to learn to deal with it. So it's natural that techniques and tools have been identified that can make a big difference. Hit the library, find a grief-share group, take action. Sometimes just taking that first step is healing in its own way, to shed the feeling of helplessness.

 

It's hard when it's long distance. The best strategy is distraction. She needs another concern.

Something or someone that needs attentive care, should do it. Many feel useless and not needed without having a responsibility.

It gives purpose. A reason to keep going.

 

Help them get a new pet.

I'm not so sure that's a good idea. What happens when THAT pet dies?

I don't have any good ideas; but it sounds like she really does need professional help to get her to a point where she can simply cope with life.

 

I'm not so sure that's a good idea. What happens when THAT pet dies?

I don't have any good ideas; but it sounds like she really does need professional help to get her to a point where she can simply cope with life.

Maybe it won't work in this case but I've seen it work before. Motivating them to focus on the future care and current love of a new pet instead of dwelling on painful past experiences has helped many vets move past serious depression.

https://petsforvets.com/

 

Maybe it won't work in this case but I've seen it work before. Motivating them to focus on the future care and current love of a new pet instead of dwelling on painful past experiences has helped many vets move past serious depression.

https://petsforvets.com/

Oh, I agree that pets can be very good for people under a lot of situations. My concern is that this seems to be someone that can't cope with the loss of anyone in her life, including a pet. So getting another pet, knowing that she will almost certainly have to deal with its loss someday, may be at best forestalling the onset of even more trauma for her. Now, if getting a new pet is combined with appropriate professional care, then it might work out well provided there is a very good chance that she will progress to the point where she can deal with the loss when it comes.

Just thinking off the top of my head -- and I could be way off base -- perhaps getting a series of short-lived "pets" that are hard to get attached to can help her build up the ability to deal with loss. She can then work here way up through pets that are easy to become attached to but that you know aren't going to be around terribly long (a few years). That might allow her to learn how to still open her heart while also having the armor to deal with the eventual loss.

 

The best advice is to suggest she seek professional help instead of you trying to get advice from anonymous people on the internat.

 

Being the best friend sometimes means you cant fix them. Just be there for them is the best you can do.
Professional help is a good idea.
As we get older fixing people problems gets way harder from what ive seen.

 

The best advice is to suggest she seek professional help instead of you trying to get advice from anonymous people on the internat.

Hi,

She has been there and done that and doesnt like it. She prefers advice from real people

 

Maybe it won't work in this case but I've seen it work before. Motivating them to focus on the future care and current love of a new pet instead of dwelling on painful past experiences has helped many vets move past serious depression.

https://petsforvets.com/

Hi,

From what i have read they have to decide this on their own otherwise it just adds to the pain. From what i know about her so far that's never going to happen though.

 

I'm not so sure that's a good idea. What happens when THAT pet dies?

I don't have any good ideas; but it sounds like she really does need professional help to get her to a point where she can simply cope with life.

Hi,

He he yeah. She doesnt want professional help though she doesnt like that. She thinks it is too impersonal.

 

This may not be too much use but instead telling her something, listen to her. Let her talk about it, and reflect what she says. Don't try to fix it, share it, literally sympathize, acknowledge how bad it is. People will let you know when they need you to tell them things will be alright, but many times people need to hear that it is OK for them to feel really bad, and that's alright too.

Just a possibility.

Hi,

Yeah i have been doing that and maybe it is helping but it's a slow process. And just when i thought things were getting better she mentioned it again the other night that she's still having trouble with it. What compounds the problem is some of her other family members blames her for it, that she could have stopped it, but there wasnt time it happened so fast and there was no indication anything would go wrong like that because the two dogs had gotten along very well in the past. It may be partly because the bigger dog had an illness that affected it's judgement. But it was in no way her fault yet family members insist that it was with a separate agenda in mind. That really bites.

 

Sounds like a no win situation that only time will help. I suppose my impulse would be to agree over and over when she says “I couldn’t have done anything”, and constantly remind her that the accuser has nasty motives, and probably didn’t really care about the animal.

 

Hi,

She has been there and done that and doesnt like it. She prefers advice from real people

That isn't going to help. Sorry. Ask her if you would go to her friends for a heart transplant?

 

That isn't going to help. Sorry. Ask her if you would go to her friends for a heart transplant?

Hi,

Well i understand your point, but let's take that one step farther.

She goes to a really good surgeon and gets a heart transplant but it doesnt work. Then what?
People with cancer often try things that are very unconventional when conventional stuff doesnt work.
She already tried the conventional way and she doesnt like that.

 

Sounds like a no win situation that only time will help. I suppose my impulse would be to agree over and over when she says “I couldn’t have done anything”, and constantly remind her that the accuser has nasty motives, and probably didn’t really care about the animal.

Hi,

I can see you understand this situation very well thanks. That's about where i am now. I am hoping time helps, and maybe it will help more than it did with her mom. Always like to hear new ideas though.
I think you made me realize that i know what she really really needs but i cant get there soon enough as i have some personal issues of my own to clear up first. She needs someone right there beside her that loves her and cares about her and that she has known for enough time to trust. It's such a shame that she and i live so far apart right now.

 

Hi,

Very little update.

She's coming here! I almost cant believe it either. She is one of my most beloved friends from the really really distant past. I knew her whole family many years ago and still cant believe im going to meet her again after so very long.
Only one slight problem haha, i am older now and i look older, and she is older now too but she looks 25 no kidding.
I hope this works out in any case.
I'll finally be able to talk to her face to face about the various problems she is dealing with. It's such a blessing i cant describe how much.
She is still very upset about the little doggie too and i intend to help with that too.
Wish me luck guys and thanks for all the ideas and suggestions in the past.

Wonder what would be a nice 'so we meet again' gift for her?

 

Flowers.

Edit: But not roses predominately. Each color has a special meaning to some women. Unless, of course, that is what you mean.