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Since when is Santa a religious symbol? So if we can't have a Secret Santa, can we have a Chinese Auction?
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
I will take the risk.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi where out on a rowboat fishing. The minister felt the call of nature, got up, got out of the boat and walked on the water to shore, did his business behind a rock and returned the same way. Shortly the minister felt the same need and repeated the trip of the priest.
The rabbi thought "Gee I really need to go and I realize they have that whole Jesus thing but I should be able to do what they did". He stepped out of the boat and splash right into the water over his head. The priest turned to the minister and said "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks are"?
A priest, a minister and a rabbi where out on a rowboat fishing. The minister felt the call of nature, got up, got out of the boat and walked on the water to shore, did his business behind a rock and returned the same way. Shortly the minister felt the same need and repeated the trip of the priest.
The rabbi thought "Gee I really need to go and I realize they have that whole Jesus thing but I should be able to do what they did". He stepped out of the boat and splash right into the water over his head. The priest turned to the minister and said "Maybe we should have told him where the rocks are"?
@spinnaker opens the gates!
A nun and a priest are on a camel, riding across the desert expanse towards a remote mission.
About 3 days in, the camel seizes up and dies, stranding them in a hopeless situation. Knowing they are going to die in the desert, they keep up a brave composure and pass the time talking and reminiscing about their childhoods and lives in the church. They find they have much in common and share a growing affection for each other. The conversation turns..
'So, Father. Have you any regrets then?', she asks.
'Ah, Sister. You know I've been very satisfied with my service, started young as an alter boy I did, and went into the Priesthood as a young man. I've no regrets, save one.'
'And what's that, Father?'
'Well,' he says, 'having taken the vows so early in life, I feel I've missed out on a few things. I'm going to die here in the desert and d'you know, I've never seen a woman naked, much less anythin' else. Do you think you could oblige a doomed man and let me see what I've been missin' then?'
She frowns then brightens. 'Its surely part of the plan, it is, so yes.... yes!' She removes her clothes.
'Oh! The beauty, the form!', he exclaims, visibly agitated. 'The beauty of the creation is wondrous to behold!. I canna' take my eyes off of you...' He takes a very deep breath, settles down and the conversation resumes. 'Tell me then, Sister, have you any unspoken desires?'
'Well then', she says, a bit hoarsely, 'Y'know, I entered the convent as but a girl myself and have never seen a man's natural form. D'you think ye could oblige a doomed servant, Father?'.
He's more than happy to comply.
'Oh! Praise the creator!', she cries out. 'Such magnificence! Such glory!"
But.. tell me, Father, what's that between your legs?'
Aroused but embarrassed, Father fumbles for the words 'Oh that.. That's .. um... errr.. That's the.. er.. my staff of life.'
Intrigued, she asks 'Staff of life, eh? How does it work?'
Hoarsly, 'Well indeed, Sister, we've taken our vows of celabicy, but if we were not of the cloth, well.. a man would use the staff of life and place it inside to create new life in His image... and it would feel really good, doin' the work an' all'.
Thickly, 'Surely. You place the staff of life inside and it's doin' the work and it feels reeeaall good... an' its the plan and all...?' Whispering into his ear...
Quivering uncontrollably... 'Yeesss... inside.. the staff of life..', Pulling her closer.
Taking him gently into her arms and pulling his ear to her lips...
'Then why don't you stick it into that !@#*(&%^($^ camel! Let's get the h*&^%ll out of here!"
Merry Christmas!
A nun and a priest are on a camel, riding across the desert expanse towards a remote mission.
About 3 days in, the camel seizes up and dies, stranding them in a hopeless situation. Knowing they are going to die in the desert, they keep up a brave composure and pass the time talking and reminiscing about their childhoods and lives in the church. They find they have much in common and share a growing affection for each other. The conversation turns..
'So, Father. Have you any regrets then?', she asks.
'Ah, Sister. You know I've been very satisfied with my service, started young as an alter boy I did, and went into the Priesthood as a young man. I've no regrets, save one.'
'And what's that, Father?'
'Well,' he says, 'having taken the vows so early in life, I feel I've missed out on a few things. I'm going to die here in the desert and d'you know, I've never seen a woman naked, much less anythin' else. Do you think you could oblige a doomed man and let me see what I've been missin' then?'
She frowns then brightens. 'Its surely part of the plan, it is, so yes.... yes!' She removes her clothes.
'Oh! The beauty, the form!', he exclaims, visibly agitated. 'The beauty of the creation is wondrous to behold!. I canna' take my eyes off of you...' He takes a very deep breath, settles down and the conversation resumes. 'Tell me then, Sister, have you any unspoken desires?'
'Well then', she says, a bit hoarsely, 'Y'know, I entered the convent as but a girl myself and have never seen a man's natural form. D'you think ye could oblige a doomed servant, Father?'.
He's more than happy to comply.
'Oh! Praise the creator!', she cries out. 'Such magnificence! Such glory!"
But.. tell me, Father, what's that between your legs?'
Aroused but embarrassed, Father fumbles for the words 'Oh that.. That's .. um... errr.. That's the.. er.. my staff of life.'
Intrigued, she asks 'Staff of life, eh? How does it work?'
Hoarsly, 'Well indeed, Sister, we've taken our vows of celabicy, but if we were not of the cloth, well.. a man would use the staff of life and place it inside to create new life in His image... and it would feel really good, doin' the work an' all'.
Thickly, 'Surely. You place the staff of life inside and it's doin' the work and it feels reeeaall good... an' its the plan and all...?' Whispering into his ear...
Quivering uncontrollably... 'Yeesss... inside.. the staff of life..', Pulling her closer.
Taking him gently into her arms and pulling his ear to her lips...
'Then why don't you stick it into that !@#*(&%^($^ camel! Let's get the h*&^%ll out of here!"
Merry Christmas!
a priest a minister and a rabbi,... oh, thats been done
Moses and Jesus out on one of the fishing boats a short way from the shore.
Moses says to Jesus ' hey buddy watch this' and steps out of the boat to the shore and returns.
Jesus says ' hey Moses, cool trick, you think i can do that'
Moses says ' sure, give it a go'
Jesus takes one step into the water and sinks like an anchor, Moses drags him out and back into the boat.
Moses says to Jesus ' i think we both forgot about the holes in the feet...'
Moses and Jesus out on one of the fishing boats a short way from the shore.
Moses says to Jesus ' hey buddy watch this' and steps out of the boat to the shore and returns.
Jesus says ' hey Moses, cool trick, you think i can do that'
Moses says ' sure, give it a go'
Jesus takes one step into the water and sinks like an anchor, Moses drags him out and back into the boat.
Moses says to Jesus ' i think we both forgot about the holes in the feet...'
A guy is on the roof of a building having a smoke break and observes two men at the edge. One slowly steps off the edge and the guy is astonished to see him hover in the air a moment then step back onto the edge of the roof. He repeats the feat and the guy can't resist running over to the two men.
"How did you do that?", he asked incredulously.
"Its a simple trick", says the man, stepping off again, hovering then returning. "The winds on this particular corner blow just right and there is a strong updraft here on the side of the building. Its fun, you should try it".
"Really? I could do that?"
"Sure. Have at it."
The guy gingerly steps off the edge and falls -splat- to the ground.
The other man looks over the edge, shakes his head and says "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
"How did you do that?", he asked incredulously.
"Its a simple trick", says the man, stepping off again, hovering then returning. "The winds on this particular corner blow just right and there is a strong updraft here on the side of the building. Its fun, you should try it".
"Really? I could do that?"
"Sure. Have at it."
The guy gingerly steps off the edge and falls -splat- to the ground.
The other man looks over the edge, shakes his head and says "You know, Superman, sometimes you can be a real jerk."
Nah, they're put in parallel so it's actually halved.
Unless they are caps.
And that does look like a high capacity bus...
That did cross my mind....
But not mine...
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,663
If telling a joke or showing a trick, there is nothing like a 'Captive' audience.
https://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dai...-over-zoo-visitors-magic-trick-194107363.html
Max.
https://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dai...-over-zoo-visitors-magic-trick-194107363.html
Max.
Last edited:
Fred was in his early 60's, retired and had started a second career in catering. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Fred into the office for a talk.
'Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
---
Dad had just finished tucking the young ones into bed one evening when he heard crying coming from the children's room.
Rushing in, h found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.
Trying to calm him, Dad palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.
Tommy, naturally, was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
---
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
Every day he was 2, 3, 5 minutes late. However, he was a good worker, really clever, so the owner was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Fred into the office for a talk.
'Fred, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a top class job, but you're being late so often is quite a worry.'
'Yes, I realise that, sir, and I am working on it.' replied Fred.
'I'm pleased to hear that, you are a team player. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Royal Navy. What did they say if you came in late there?'
'They said, "Good morning, Admiral".'
---
Dad had just finished tucking the young ones into bed one evening when he heard crying coming from the children's room.
Rushing in, h found Tommy crying hysterically.
He had accidentally swallowed a 5p piece and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.
Trying to calm him, Dad palmed a 5p coin that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to remove it from Tommy's ear.
Tommy, naturally, was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully - 'Do it again, Dad!'
---
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"
"Yeah!" the bartender replies.
"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.
"Of course," the bartender replies.
"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the bartender.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer??"
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