Facebook
Google
GitHub
Linkedin
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
What that picture doesn't show is that they are about 15 stories up if my memory serves
That's the back of his pants, not the front.
That would be the safety incentive.
probably hurts more being held that way than being dropped to the ground....
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Labrador : Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
German Shepard: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: The Border Collie realized the bulb wasn't the problem, and is in the basement re-setting the breaker.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Labrador : Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
German Shepard: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID, "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
You forgot one:
Belgium Malinois: I'll find a way to change that light bulb -- even if it kills me!
Like German Shepherds, Malinois are notoriously hard workers, but -- unlike shepherds -- they have no brains or personal sense of safety. Luckily, they are a dime a dozen.
Subject: Worrying about Stuff
As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Jeb!, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said: NEED HELP? CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787. Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
As I was just coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends’ lives, and what's happening in Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton's scandals, Jeb!, Trump, Fox News, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said: NEED HELP? CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787. Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
That should've been spelled "CALL JESÚS"...
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very carefully:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very carefully:
Are - my - test - results - back?"
Last edited:
being from scotland, i love summer, its my favourite day of the year
---
can't believe how strong the winds were last night, went out to get some milk for the wife and got blown into the pub..
---
brrr.... stuff it, tomorrow i start burning tyres and aerosol cans and see if i can get this global warming kick started again
---
can't believe how strong the winds were last night, went out to get some milk for the wife and got blown into the pub..
---
brrr.... stuff it, tomorrow i start burning tyres and aerosol cans and see if i can get this global warming kick started again
That was my partner.
He was actually killed by impatience.
Too impatient to get help lifting an air conditioner on to a truck...broke his back.
Three years later, did exactly the same thing again.
Three years after than, he refused to take enough time to set his ladder up safely. Broke his heel bone.
Three years after that, couldn't wait for a gunsmith to fix his .357 revolver.
Looked down the barrel to see why the hammer didn't fall.
I don't work with him any more.
Good Lord... if what you're saying is no joke, then your pal had a death wish...That was my partner.
He was actually killed by impatience.
Too impatient to get help lifting an air conditioner on to a truck...broke his back.
Three years later, did exactly the same thing again.
Three years after than, he refused to take enough time to set his ladder up safely. Broke his heel bone.
Three years after that, couldn't wait for a gunsmith to fix his .357 revolver.
Looked down the barrel to see why the hammer didn't fall.
I don't work with him any more.
| Thread starter | Similar threads | Forum | Replies | Date |
|---|---|---|---|---|
|
Scientist Jokes........... | Off-Topic | 10 | |
|
More bad jokes | Off-Topic | 1 | |
|
Jokes Thread | Feedback and Suggestions | 4 | |
|
computer jokes | Off-Topic | 2 | |
|
|
electronic jokes | Off-Topic | 1 |
