The Jokes thread

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
6,527
Lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's a... anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some days, you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish the buck really did stop here, I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
11. It's hard to make a comeback if you haven't been anywhere.
12.. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter .. . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you before...or did I get it from you?
 

SamR

Joined Mar 19, 2019
2,259
Uncle Willie, bless his soul, told me a couple of things. He'd been to the desert where they had filmed that so-called Moon Landing. And that every time they set one of those rockets off at Cape Canaveral, they were aimed right over Roosha to keep those Ruskies on their toes.
 
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ' Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
200 Crows Were Found
Dead Near Boston

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority recently found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston. Everyone involved was concerned that these crows might have died from Avian Flu, so they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows. To everyone's relief, it was determined that the problem was definitely not the Avian Flu. Instead, the cause of death looked to be from vehicular impacts.

During the detailed analysis of the crows, it was noted that there were varying colors of paints found on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by the impact of trucks, and only 2% were from impact with a car.

The Massachusetts Turnpike Authority then hired an ornithological behaviorist to look into the cause for the disproportionate percentages of crows killed by trucks versus crows killed by cars.

The ornithological behaviorist came up with the answer very quickly. The cause? When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn the other crows of impending danger.

While all the lookout crows could say the word "Cah," none of them could say "Truck."
 
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