The Jokes thread

GopherT

Joined Nov 23, 2012
8,009
:eek: darn! You're right! ... thing is that the pieces seem to be of equal height... and the queen is supposed to be a bit smaller than the queen .... ooops... now I'm gonna be crucified, quartered and drawn, and then burned at the stake by the feminists
I think we should ask the pieces which gender they self-identify as - and to which level of royalty they aspire to become.
 

cmartinez

Joined Jan 17, 2007
8,252
Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'? No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'
However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Thulaseedharan B, an Indian British, was the clever winner.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
 
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Re finished: one of the delights of living in Africa was the endless creativity with which the English language was used. ( especially in former British colonies such as Nigeria). The term "finished" meant broken in a way that could never be repaired. For example if the car was declared "finished" after an accident it was best taken immediately to the scrap dealer. There was no hope in getting it fixed. Thus to ask someone when a project would be finished would simply result in puzzled looks. I soon learned that completed was the word I should use in this case. As an aside, "spoiled" was used to describe something that was broken but with some hope of a successful repair. For example: "the car got crashed so they took it to the panel banger". Good fun.
 

ronv

Joined Nov 12, 2008
3,770
> You know you're a redneck when...
>
>
> 1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
>
> 2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
>
> 3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
>
> 4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
>
> 5. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
>
> 6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
>
> 7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
>
> 8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
>
> 9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
>
> 10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
>
> 11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
>
> 12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
>
> 13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
>
> 14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
>
> 15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
>
> 16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
>
> 17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
>
> 18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
>
> 19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
>
> 20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
>
> 21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
>
> 22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
>
> 23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
>
> 24. The biggest city you've ever been to is WalMart.
>
> 25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
>
> 26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
>
> 27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
>
> 28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
>
> 29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
>
> 30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
 
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