The Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by R!f@@, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. GopherT

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    Nov 23, 2012
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    what do you call a pig with three eyes?

    piiig!
     
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  2. cmartinez

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    Jan 17, 2007
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    Emoji Smiley-23.png
     
  3. cmartinez

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    Jan 17, 2007
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    A man and a woman meet in one of those "speed dating" conventions, and sit at the same table to start a conversation. They only have two minutes to talk and get to know each other as quickly as possible before the *gong* sounds and then have to rotate to the next person in the queue.

    Since time is extremely valuable, the woman cuts to the chase and starts asking the questions:

    - Woman:
    Do you drink beer?

    - Man:
    Yes.

    - Woman:
    How many beers a day?

    - Man:
    Three.

    - Woman:
    How much do you pay for each beer?

    - Man:
    $5.00 dls, including the tip.

    - Woman:
    And for how long have you been drinking?

    - Man:
    For about 25 years, more or less.

    - Woman:
    So a beer costs you $5.00, and you drink 3 per day. Which generates an expense of $450.00 per month. In a year that would be about $5,400.00 ... right?

    - Man:
    Right.

    - Woman:
    Are you aware that if you hadn't drank all that beer, you could've put it into a savings account instead, and that after 25 years with compound interest included, you could've bought a plane?

    ***silence***​
    - Man:
    Do you drink beer?

    - Woman:
    No!

    - Man:
    Where's your plane?

    ****GOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGG****​
     
    Last edited: Mar 17, 2017
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  4. joeyd999

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    Jun 6, 2011
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    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The man said, "No, I'd like to see something really special."

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.

    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

    The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir...There's no money in that account."

    ''I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."
     
  5. joeyd999

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    Jun 6, 2011
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    Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

    A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
    The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
    "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
    "No, because he's really heavy."

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

    A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
    The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more."
     
  6. joeyd999

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    Jun 6, 2011
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    A police officer called the station on his radio.

    "I have an interesting situation here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

    "Have you arrested the woman?"

    "Not yet. The floor's still wet."
     
  7. JoeJester

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    Apr 26, 2005
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    This is why men shouldn't swim naked ....

     
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  8. MaxHeadRoom

    Expert

    Jul 18, 2013
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    Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I
    think there's somebody under it. I keep waking up scared. I think I'm going crazy.

    Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
    me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

    "How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit, replied the
    doctor.""I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
    Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

    "Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked
    the psychiatrist

    "Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
    money!
    A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money I went and bought me a new pickup!"

    "Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

    "Hell! He told me to just cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
    there now!!!"
     
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  9. cmartinez

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    Jan 17, 2007
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    Image00001.jpg
    This meme has a technical problem... but let's see how many of you get it.
     
  10. GopherT

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    Nov 23, 2012
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    I see a stalemate if there are no other pieces on the unseen parts of the board.
     
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  11. wayneh

    Expert

    Sep 9, 2010
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    Ditto. Black is not in check but cannot move. Stalemate. I guess the assumption is this is picturing the end of white's move, not the beginning.
     
  12. cmartinez

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    And even if it were the beginning, it wouldn't be a "Check, mate!" ... which was the meme's intended punchline
     
  13. ronv

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    Nov 12, 2008
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    upload_2017-3-21_8-43-57.png
    Did I mention I hate horses.
     
  14. ronv

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    Nov 12, 2008
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    One more
    upload_2017-3-21_8-52-14.png
     
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  15. JoeJester

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    Apr 26, 2005
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    The piece looks more like a Queen....Making it checkmate.

    Compare the two pieces ... The black king and the white queen.
     
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  16. wayneh

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    Sep 9, 2010
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    Yup, you're right. Missed it.
     
  17. bertus

    Administrator

    Apr 5, 2008
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    Hello,

    On a shopdoor:

    PUSH
    if that does not work
    PULL

    if that does not work, we are closed

    Bertus
     
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  18. cmartinez

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    Jan 17, 2007
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    :eek: darn! You're right! ... thing is that the pieces seem to be of equal height... and the queen is supposed to be a bit smaller than the queen .... ooops... now I'm gonna be crucified, quartered and drawn, and then burned at the stake by the feminists
     
  19. spinnaker

    AAC Fanatic!

    Oct 29, 2009
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    I think they are both queens . Pieces look the same to me differences can be explained to angle and shadow. King usually has a cross on top.

    Edit: Looking again the black is a king white is queen.

    And I don't get the joke. ;)
     
  20. JoeJester

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    Apr 26, 2005
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    Check ...... Mate
     
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