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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
A man and a woman meet in one of those "speed dating" conventions, and sit at the same table to start a conversation. They only have two minutes to talk and get to know each other as quickly as possible before the *gong* sounds and then have to rotate to the next person in the queue.
Since time is extremely valuable, the woman cuts to the chase and starts asking the questions:
- Woman:
Do you drink beer?
- Man:
Yes.
- Woman:
How many beers a day?
- Man:
Three.
- Woman:
How much do you pay for each beer?
- Man:
$5.00 dls, including the tip.
- Woman:
And for how long have you been drinking?
- Man:
For about 25 years, more or less.
- Woman:
So a beer costs you $5.00, and you drink 3 per day. Which generates an expense of $450.00 per month. In a year that would be about $5,400.00 ... right?
- Man:
Right.
- Woman:
Are you aware that if you hadn't drank all that beer, you could've put it into a savings account instead, and that after 25 years with compound interest included, you could've bought a plane?
Do you drink beer?
- Woman:
No!
- Man:
Where's your plane?
Since time is extremely valuable, the woman cuts to the chase and starts asking the questions:
- Woman:
Do you drink beer?
- Man:
Yes.
- Woman:
How many beers a day?
- Man:
Three.
- Woman:
How much do you pay for each beer?
- Man:
$5.00 dls, including the tip.
- Woman:
And for how long have you been drinking?
- Man:
For about 25 years, more or less.
- Woman:
So a beer costs you $5.00, and you drink 3 per day. Which generates an expense of $450.00 per month. In a year that would be about $5,400.00 ... right?
- Man:
Right.
- Woman:
Are you aware that if you hadn't drank all that beer, you could've put it into a savings account instead, and that after 25 years with compound interest included, you could've bought a plane?
***silence***
- Man:Do you drink beer?
- Woman:
No!
- Man:
Where's your plane?
****GOOOOONNNNNGGGGGGG****
Last edited:
A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something really special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir...There's no money in that account."
''I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, "No, I'd like to see something really special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds. I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir...There's no money in that account."
''I know," said the old man... "But let me tell you about my weekend."
Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more."
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
A man walked into the doctor's, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,661
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. I've got problems. Everytime I go to bed I
think there's somebody under it. I keep waking up scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit, replied the
doctor.""I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked
the psychiatrist
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"Hell! He told me to just cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
there now!!!"
think there's somebody under it. I keep waking up scared. I think I'm going crazy.
Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?""Eighty dollars per visit, replied the
doctor.""I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were having?" asked
the psychiatrist
"Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of
money!
A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that
money I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"Hell! He told me to just cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under
there now!!!"
I see a stalemate if there are no other pieces on the unseen parts of the board.
Ditto. Black is not in check but cannot move. Stalemate. I guess the assumption is this is picturing the end of white's move, not the beginning.
And even if it were the beginning, it wouldn't be a "Check, mate!" ... which was the meme's intended punchline
Yup, you're right. Missed it.
darn! You're right! ... thing is that the pieces seem to be of equal height... and the queen is supposed to be a bit smaller than the queen .... ooops... now I'm gonna be crucified, quartered and drawn, and then burned at the stake by the feminists
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