One of the speakers of the Millenium Lectures at the Colorado School of Mines told this personal story:

I was at the train station and saw a group being watched over by some orderlies.
One had a clipboard and was counting... One. Two, Three. Then she pointed at me and asked, "Who are you?!".

I replied, "I am president of the University of Chicago and director of Fermilab."
"Uh, huh.", she said, "Four..."

 

man went to a barber’s shop for a shave. the barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.
he asked: 'but what if I swallow the ball?'
the barber replied: 'no problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.'

 

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

 

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.

He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.

Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.

When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.

God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.

Do you know what the letter said?

Oh, so you didn't get one either?

 

Up to his neck in work!
Max.

 

Up to his neck in work!
Max.

And where, exactly, would they safely and responsibly dump and dispose of that load?

 

And where, exactly, would they safely and responsibly dump and dispose of that load?

They use it to make all of those letters and images on your morning news paper.

Sadly, there is quite a surplus of "ink" in the US this year - this particular group of candidates and the decreasing popularity of newspaper distribution. Can we ship some down your way @cmartinez?

 

And where, exactly, would they safely and responsibly dump and dispose of that load?

I've never followed him
Max.

 

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After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

 

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...

Damn ! I got to try that

 

Fancy a drink?

 

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores."Not yet," said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

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Someone out there highly dislikes our kind:

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Someone out there highly dislikes our kind:

View attachment 105801​

I'll take, "wizard". The things I know, that other people don't, make me look like a wizard. Besides, I like Harry Potter.

 

I'll take, "wizard". The things I know, that other people don't, make me look like a wizard. Besides, I like Harry Potter.

Not a Harry Potter fan... but wizard's got a nice sound to it... Guru is the term I don't like... makes me think of a grown man wearing diapers!

 

Not a Harry Potter fan... but wizard's got a nice sound to it... Guru is the term I don't like... makes me think of a grown man wearing diapers!

Guru is my preferred term. Followed by Ninja, Techno-God, Zen Master, Know-it-all, Nerd, Dork and, finally, the one I don't like, AV Club member.