Dr.killjoy
- Joined Apr 28, 2013
- 1,196
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
keeping with the currency (actual and monetary)
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"
---
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone.
He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
The rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
Q: What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is "change" in the weather.
Q: Why don't cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks"
Mom: Does it look like I am made of money
Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"
---
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone.
He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
The rich guy says, "Well, let me tell you a little story.
I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out.
I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy. Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both."
The barman asks, "So what about that little guy in your jacket?"
"Oh, that," mumbles the rich guy. "That's the twelve-inch prick I wished for."
During the French Revolution a doctor was led to the guillotine. As the blade fell it wedged in the track and stopped.
As was the rule, it was declared an intervention by God and the doctor was spared.
Next was a lawyer and the blade stuck again, so he was also spared.
An engineer was next. As he approached the guillotine he looked up and exclaimed, "Wait, I think I see the problem!"
Once an engineer, always an engineer.
As was the rule, it was declared an intervention by God and the doctor was spared.
Next was a lawyer and the blade stuck again, so he was also spared.
An engineer was next. As he approached the guillotine he looked up and exclaimed, "Wait, I think I see the problem!"
Once an engineer, always an engineer.
I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite…
He said NaBrO
---
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.
---
Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
---
Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
---
what animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A CaNiNe
---
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
He said NaBrO
---
If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.
---
Helium walks into a bar,
The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."
Helium doesn't react.
---
Money has recently been discovered to be a not-yet-identified super heavy element.
The proposed name is: Un-obtainium.
---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
---
what animal is made up of calcium, nickel and neon?
A CaNiNe
---
Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
The last joke by JLD in SNL was not that convincing... (heroin AM, anyone?)
Intern: How I get to the marketing department?
Engineer: Easy, go west until you can smell it and then turn north until you step in it.
---
A new disease is hitting the US, the Chinese Flu. The biggest symptom is that you wake up in the morning with the urge to manufacture a smart phone.
Engineer: Easy, go west until you can smell it and then turn north until you step in it.
---
A new disease is hitting the US, the Chinese Flu. The biggest symptom is that you wake up in the morning with the urge to manufacture a smart phone.
The Ancient Chinese really knew their stuff:
Confucius say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
But don't let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs,
For downstairs merchandise.
It's better to lose a lover,
Than love a loser.
Man with broken condom,
Is called a Daddy.
A drunken man's words.
Are a sober man's thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account,
You put it in, you take it out,
And you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland,
A one hour wait for a two-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have,
Than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex,
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Confucius say:
It's ok to let a fool kiss you,
But don't let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs,
For downstairs merchandise.
It's better to lose a lover,
Than love a loser.
Man with broken condom,
Is called a Daddy.
A drunken man's words.
Are a sober man's thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account,
You put it in, you take it out,
And you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland,
A one hour wait for a two-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have,
Than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex,
Neither is any good if you don't get it.
Watch the autocorrect spell check
Hi Bill,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTION
Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bill,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.
Hi Bill,
This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTION
Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bill,
This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my auto correct changed ‘WiFi’ To ‘Wife’. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that.
Regards, Alan.
Liked it!!!
If you've never visited, be sure to check out DYAC. Makes me laugh until it hurts.
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/
Example:
http://www.damnyouautocorrect.com/category/best-of-dyac/
Example:
Last edited:
DickCappels
- Joined Aug 21, 2008
- 9,856
This is a joke that Laurence Krauss told in Quantum Man, his biography of Richard Feynman.
Two mathematicians were having lunch at a sidewalk café when they saw a man walk into the building across the street. A few minutes later, they saw two men walk out. One mathematician turned to the other and said “If one more person walks in, that building will be empty.”
Two mathematicians were having lunch at a sidewalk café when they saw a man walk into the building across the street. A few minutes later, they saw two men walk out. One mathematician turned to the other and said “If one more person walks in, that building will be empty.”
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