You failed to mention Oracle ..
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
The Porsche Carrera was creeping along the congested downtown street. It was a beauty... flawless sparkling black finish... the powerful engine emitting a deep throaty sound from its dual exhaust. In other words, a real Man's car.
The smart car is the pure antithesis to the Porsche -- so small its as if they saved money by selling only the front half of a normal car. The smart car was wanting into the traffic.
And then it happened. The Porsche driver let the smart car driver merge into the dense flow in front of it. Chivalry is not dead! Civilized society still exists!
Then the Porsche pulled into the parking spot vacated by the Smart Car.
P.S. This story is true with only a minimal amount of hyperbole.
The smart car is the pure antithesis to the Porsche -- so small its as if they saved money by selling only the front half of a normal car. The smart car was wanting into the traffic.
And then it happened. The Porsche driver let the smart car driver merge into the dense flow in front of it. Chivalry is not dead! Civilized society still exists!
Then the Porsche pulled into the parking spot vacated by the Smart Car.
P.S. This story is true with only a minimal amount of hyperbole.
Many years ago, during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Joey, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"Joey, she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe), "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive...
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth . "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"
"It's Joey, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"Joey, she said (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe), "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive...
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth . "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
bender1958
- Joined May 19, 2016
- 1
Some good ones in here 
Better be. This is the most important thread on AAC!Some good ones in here
THOUGHTS BY
’DUCKY’
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident
and over fifty for Miss America ?
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’
Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’
Don’t argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?A completely brilliant question!
Wouldn’t you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?Another completely brilliant question!
Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher –
and since it’s in English, thank a soldier’
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
’DUCKY’
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. So I said ‘Implants?’
She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run forpresident
and over fifty for Miss America ?
Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go ‘skinny dipping.’
Now I just ‘chunky dunk.’
Don’t argue with an idiot;
people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over? AMEN!
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?A completely brilliant question!
Wouldn’t you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
But FAT cells live forever.
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court
when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?Another completely brilliant question!
Bumper sticker of the year: ‘If you can read this, thank a teacher –
and since it’s in English, thank a soldier’
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Good list... I think that quote was said by Mark Twain
Good one... never heard it before.
Funny thing is it almost sounds biblical.
Lestraveled
- Joined May 19, 2014
- 1,946
@wayneh
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw.
I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it. George Bernard Shaw.
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