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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,658
Another Good Guy bites the dust.
Shame!!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/ronnie-corbett-last-photo-revealed-7663549
Max.
Shame!!
http://www.mirror.co.uk/3am/celebrity-news/ronnie-corbett-last-photo-revealed-7663549
Max.
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,658
The Bell ringer
Quasimodo's Replacement.
After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. But you have no arms.”
''No matter,' said the man, “please observe!”
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
Max.
Quasimodo's Replacement.
After Quasimodo's death, Bishop Thomas of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he decided to call it a day.
Just then a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
Bishop Thomas was incredulous. But you have no arms.”
''No matter,' said the man, “please observe!”
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.
Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don't know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a bell.”
Max.
Polly Nomial and Curly Pi
Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Eureka" she gasped.
"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."
"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."
"What order are you," the brute demanded.
"Seventeen", replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.
"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".
"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".
"Never" gasped Polly.
"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.
The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.
Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Eureka" she gasped.
"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."
"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."
"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."
"What order are you," the brute demanded.
"Seventeen", replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.
"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".
"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".
"Never" gasped Polly.
"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.
The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.
Using the correct software
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
The response
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
The query:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
The response
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2. Do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta version. Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 as it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.
In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.
We recommend Cooking 3.0.
Good Luck
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,237
Have you been here looking for an old obscure reference book?
Sadly, books and bookstores are quickly going the way of the dinosaur. It was a good run for 600 years but digital is the wave of the future. I'm going to start a business selling spines of books so lawyers will have decoration for all of those law office walls. Unless they are sloppy lawyers - and stack their books like this...
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,237
That's a great idea! I have the band saw and glueing tools to make rows of bookless spines. Mind if I join you in your business venture?
I can't believe that nowadays it's become chic to fake literacy...
The British and their Humor
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled ‘LSD?’” Granny replies, “To hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 . I woke up this morning at 9:00 AM . . . and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked, and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered: McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30 AM.
9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied, "Oh, so NOW you want me to stay!”
10. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. The others kept me awake all night." (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take a month.)
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently, a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.
4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled ‘LSD?’” Granny replies, “To hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”
5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)
6. A chap's wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )
7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
8 . I woke up this morning at 9:00 AM . . . and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked, and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered: McDonalds serves breakfast until 10:30 AM.
9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied, "Oh, so NOW you want me to stay!”
10. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. The others kept me awake all night." (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take a month.)
Lestraveled
- Joined May 19, 2014
- 1,946
Shouldn't that be," I believe they charge by the linear Font".
Dr.killjoy
- Joined Apr 28, 2013
- 1,196
I will place that here..
Attachments
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