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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
You're right. When I use 9 syllables where 2 would work, HP must be rubbing off on me.
Not really. I simply can't quickly remember some useful phrases when I need them.
That, and most people's names, all the dates in the history books, and any birthday except my own.
You should be fine, as long as you don't end up having to wear a name tag hanging upside down on your shirt, so you can look at it and remember your own name...You're right. When I use 9 syllables where 2 would work, HP must be rubbing off on me.
Not really. I simply can't quickly remember some useful phrases when I need them.
That, and most people's names, all the dates in the history books, and any birthday except my own.
Lestraveled
- Joined May 19, 2014
- 1,946
What did the elephant say when he saw his first naked man?
How can you breath through that thing???
How can you breath through that thing???
you stopped at 1?
What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella!
Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
So that he can sneak up on mice!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
What's big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera!
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A jet propelled elephant!
Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the Elephant was having a day off!
I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an elephant, you've seen a maul.
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino. (HEll if I know)
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!
Why did the elephant go in the mens restroom?
To get some nuts
What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
Mashed potatoes!
What do elephants and trees have in common?
They both have big trunks!
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy!
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts!
Why did the elephants start a stampede?
Because the wanted to be herd.
What's grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!
Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
In his trunk!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant!
What is an elephants favorite sport?
Squash.
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it's a baby elephant!
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Stuck!
Why did the elphant cross the road?
because the chicken wanted a day off.
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
Time to get a new bed!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
Peanut butter.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!
Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.
What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant?
A dumbo jet.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!
Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs!
What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant!
Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?"
Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"
What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions!"
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette!
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
Russell!
What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
Warren!
What is an elephant that flies?
A propellaphant.
What's grey, stands in a river when it rains and doesn't get wet?
An elephant with an umbrella!
Why does an elephant wear sneakers?
So that he can sneak up on mice!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
What's big and grey and wears a mask?
The elephantom of the opera!
What's grey and moves at a hundred miles an hour?
A jet propelled elephant!
Why does the elephant bring toilet paper to the party?
Because he is a party pooper.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Because the Elephant was having a day off!
I suppose when you've seen one lion catch an elephant, you've seen a maul.
What do you get when you mix an elephant with a rhino?
Elephino. (HEll if I know)
What do you call an elephant at the North Pole?
Lost!
Why did the elephant go in the mens restroom?
To get some nuts
What do you get when you cross a potato with an elephant?
Mashed potatoes!
What do elephants and trees have in common?
They both have big trunks!
Why were the elephants thrown out of the swimming pool?
Because they couldn't hold their trunks up!
What grey, has a wand, huge wings and gives money to elephants?
The tusk fairy!
What has 3 tails, 4 trunks and 6 feet?
An elephant with spare parts!
Why did the elephants start a stampede?
Because the wanted to be herd.
What's grey but turns red?
An embarrassed elephant!
Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
In his trunk!
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderelephant!
What is an elephants favorite sport?
Squash.
When should you feed milk to a baby elephant?
When it's a baby elephant!
How do you know when there is an elephant under your bed?
When your nose touches the ceiling!
What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
Stuck!
Why did the elphant cross the road?
because the chicken wanted a day off.
What do you call an elephant that flies?
A jumbo jet!
What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
Time to get a new bed!
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a dairy cow?
Peanut butter.
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card!
Why did the elephant leave the circus?
He was tired of working for peanuts.
What do you call a passenger plane shaped like an elephant?
A dumbo jet.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!
What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
This is the end of me!
Why do the elephants have short tails?
Because they can't remember long stories!
Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
Because of all the cheetahs!
What do you call a elephant that never washes?
A smellyphant!
Teacher: "Where would you find an elephant?"
Pupil:"You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!"
What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Teacher: "Name six wild animals"
Pupil:"Four elephants and two lions!"
What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
Annette!
What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
Russell!
What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
Warren!
What is an elephant that flies?
A propellaphant.
and to cover the breathing
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
His breath is so bad that people look forward to his farts.
His breath is so bad, it can peel paint.
Her breath would burn your eyelashes and singe your eyebrows.
His breath is so bad, he uses industrial strength ammonia as a mouth wash.
His breath is so bad, when he yawns, his teeth duck.
His breath is so bad, when he talks, his nose hairs fall out.
His breath is so bad, people on the phone hang up.
His breath is so bad, his mouth needs odor eaters.
His breath is so bad, we don't know whether he needs gum or toilet paper.
His breath is so bad, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that he rinses with Sulfuric Acid.
You can only talk to him if you are wearing an oxygen mask.
His breath is so bad, every time he opens his mouth, he's literally talking shit.
His breath is so bad, when he wakes up in the morning, the mirror brushes its teeth.
Why would anyone kiss you and incur certain death by halitosis?
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching my hair.
His breath is so bad that people look forward to his farts.
His breath is so bad, it can peel paint.
Her breath would burn your eyelashes and singe your eyebrows.
His breath is so bad, he uses industrial strength ammonia as a mouth wash.
His breath is so bad, when he yawns, his teeth duck.
His breath is so bad, when he talks, his nose hairs fall out.
His breath is so bad, people on the phone hang up.
His breath is so bad, his mouth needs odor eaters.
His breath is so bad, we don't know whether he needs gum or toilet paper.
His breath is so bad, 9 out of 10 dentists recommend that he rinses with Sulfuric Acid.
You can only talk to him if you are wearing an oxygen mask.
His breath is so bad, every time he opens his mouth, he's literally talking shit.
His breath is so bad, when he wakes up in the morning, the mirror brushes its teeth.
Why would anyone kiss you and incur certain death by halitosis?
and 'things'
---
Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11
---
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”
---
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
---
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
(and his cows preferred moo-zak)
---
Sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
---
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
---
German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
---
Counting in binary is as easy as 01 10 11
---
Q: How do mathematicians scold their children?
A: “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”
---
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
---
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
(and his cows preferred moo-zak)
---
Sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
---
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveller walks into a bar.
---
German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
things you'll never hear a woman say (clean version)
---
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
That was a great fart! Do another one!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Can we not talk to each other tonight?
I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing!
Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
Damnit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
You're so sexy when you're hungover.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Hey, pull my finger!
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
I'm wrong. You must be right again.
---
What do you mean today's our anniversary?
That was a great fart! Do another one!
I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
Can we not talk to each other tonight?
I'd rather just watch TV.
Ohh, this diamond ring is way too big!!
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing!
Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
Honey, does this outfit make my ass look too small?
Damnit, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
You're so sexy when you're hungover.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
Hey, pull my finger!
I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
I'm wrong. You must be right again.
Probably the most persuasive sign I've ever seen.
Is that a problem in Iceland?
Nah not that I'm aware of but as a kid I did. Once! I'm still alive but damn my hand got numb...
nerdegutta
- Joined Dec 15, 2009
- 2,689
The elephant talk reminded me of this one:
How to Catch an Elephant
Cut a large round hole in the ice of a frozen lake.
Open a can of peas and place the peas one-by-one in a circle around the edge of the hole.
When the elephant comes up to take a pea,
Kick him in the ice hole.
How to Catch an Elephant
Cut a large round hole in the ice of a frozen lake.
Open a can of peas and place the peas one-by-one in a circle around the edge of the hole.
When the elephant comes up to take a pea,
Kick him in the ice hole.
The next closest I have seen is on a spillway of a dam:
"Do not enter. Certain death"
Lestraveled
- Joined May 19, 2014
- 1,946
A joke from the Pink Panther movie.
Clouseau is checking into a hotel and sees a dog next to the desk. He asks the hotel clerk, "Does your dog bit??". "No", the clerk replies. Clouseau reaches down to pet the dog and the dog bits him. "I thought you said your dog does not bit??", Clouseau says. The clerk replies, "That is not my dog."
Clouseau is checking into a hotel and sees a dog next to the desk. He asks the hotel clerk, "Does your dog bit??". "No", the clerk replies. Clouseau reaches down to pet the dog and the dog bits him. "I thought you said your dog does not bit??", Clouseau says. The clerk replies, "That is not my dog."
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