Wonder Woman! (She shouldn't be needing the goggles, though.)

The goggles sell the joke (when you see it).

 

A little, but it's not true.
http://www.snopes.com/donald-trump-hat-china/
http://www.latimes.com/politics/la-pol-ca-trump-hats-cali-fame-carson-20151124-story.html

Still funny. I looked them up. They are $25 from Trump, so I thought hey I can buy 10 of them from China for $25 and sell them. But people have beat me to it.

 

I had to do a double take. Wonder how many people would get it the first time.

 

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?"

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.

“Really”, she says, “it worked fine the last time...show me”.

So he did.......(Click Here)

 

A retired guy sits around the house all day so one day his wife says, “Joe, you could do something useful, like vacuum the house once a week”.

The guy gives it a moment’s thought and says: “Sure why not. Where’s the vacuum?"

Half an hour later, the guy comes into the kitchen to get some coffee. His wife says, “I didn't hear the vacuum running, I thought you were going to do the vacuuming”?

Exasperated, Joe answers,”The stupid thing is broken, it won't start. We need to buy a new one”.

“Really”, she says, “it worked fine the last time...show me”.

So he did.......(Click Here)

I could see myself doing that once a few brain cells go haywire.

 

(Click Here)

You mean, that's not the way it works?

 

STUDENT: Sir, can I ask a question?
TEACHER: Yes!
STUDENT: How do you put an
elephant inside a fridge?
TEACHER: I don't know.
STUDENT: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in. I have
another question!
TEACHER: Ok, ask.
STUDENT: How to put a donkey
inside the fridge?
TEACHER: It's easy, you just open
the fridge and put it in.
STUDENT: No sir, You just open the
fridge take out the elephant and put
it in.
TEACHER: Ooh...ok!!
STUDENT: Let me ask another one. If
all the animals went to the lion's
birthday party, and one animal went
missing which one would it be?
TEACHER: The lion of course!
Because it wud eat all the animals.
STUDENT: No sir, it is the donkey
becoz it's still inside the fridge.
TEACHER: Are you kidding me?
STUDENT: No sir, 1 last question.
TEACHER: Ok!
STUDENT: If there's a river full of
crocodiles and you wanted to cross,
how would you?
TEACHER: There's no way, I would
need a boat to cross.
STUDENT: No sir, you just swim and
cross it because all the
animals went to the lion's birthday
party.

 

In the same vein:
If you were attacked by a herd of charging elephants, what would you do?
Dial trunks and reverse the charges.
(This is an old British joke, possibly only Max and Alec will understand it)

 

This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.

She is 39 years old, a beautiful and caring woman who drives, is a great cook and keeps a good house.

 

 

 

Good nerd joke, but who writes a check for 0.2¢?

 

who writes a check for 0.2¢?

Who sends a bill for 2 cents?
Oh...wait...we know.

I messed up a check to my insurance company, and they just added 48 cents to my bill the next year.

 

Good nerd joke, but who writes a check for 0.2¢?

one who spends $0.71 but is charged $71

 

Good nerd joke, but who writes a check for 0.2¢?

My wife gets quarterly checks from Chase bank for ~5 cents, for one share of stock she has.

 

My wife gets quarterly checks from Chase bank for ~5 cents, for one share of stock she has.

My company issued one share to every employee when the company was listed on the NYSE. Sad to see how much money is spent printing and postage of annual reports, dividend checks, proxy voting information and IRS forms for all of those single shares.

 

Cost of doing business my friend.

 

A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."
"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

And DonnyT's clock is used for...

 

And DonnyT's clock is used for...

Huge amazing winning things.