This ol' boy bursts into his house just a jumping up and down and shouting..
'Hon! Hon! you'll never guess what just happened! I won the Powerball! So start packing!!'
'Yippee!' says his wife, ' should I pack for warm or cold weather?'
' Shoot, it don't matter to me', he snorts, 'you're outta here!'

 

A guy walks into a bar. 'Set em up! I want 7 whiskeys lined up right here. Make em doubles.'
The bartender lines up the glasses and pours the booze.
The guy takes the first one, tosses it down in a gulp. He does the same with the second, third and the rest, one after another.
'Wow', says the bartender, 'that was fast. I've never seen anyone drink like that.'
'You'd drink like that, too if you had what I have' says the guy.
'Oh.. sorry. What do you have?'
'A dollar'

 

^I heard a similar one like that, years ago.

Guy walks into a bar and says, "give me 6 double shots all at once". He then starts downing them as fast as he can.

When he's done the barkeep says, "wow! what are you celebrating?"

Guy says, " just had my first fellatio".

Barkeep says, "good for you! here's another on the house".

Guy says, "if 6 won't kill the taste, don't think a seventh is going to do it".

 

​

 

Different perspective

 

​

 

So, little little Bridie is having a downtown lunch with 2 old friends from school who married wealthy men..
"Well!", says one, "its wonderful seeing y'all again especially after that round-the-world trip that my Harold took me on. You know he's done so well that I really don't know what to do at all with all of that money we have!"
"How nice!" says Bridie, sitting up primly.
Not to be outdone, her other friend says "Hmmm.. well that's just fine but my William took me on a 14-day cruise that ended at a private island and we partied with stars and celebrities like we were best friends.. yes we did!"
Bridie takes a proper sip of tea, her pinkie sticking out just so. "How nice!", she says, "How nice!"
The conversation turns to Bridie "So... tell me dearie, how is your husband doing? Does he still work in that little office, hmmmm?"
Bridie puts down her tea and says primly "Oh yes, still. And he buys me things too, now and then."
"Does he now, Bridie? And do tell us, dearie, just what has he bought for you?"
"Well," says Bridie brightly, "last month was our anniversary and he saved up some money and bought me a wonderful gift!"
"Reeeallly, dear, is that so. So please, do tell us what your husband was able to buy you."
"Well, he sent me to a 3 day finishing and charm school. It was wonderful. They taught me so much there."
"Did they now. So tell us, what did they teach you?"
"Well, on the first day, they taught me to sit up nice and primly, like this."
"Reeeaallly. And on the second day?"
"Well, on the second day, they taught me to drink tea with my pinkie out just so."
"Aaannndd, on the third day? What could they possibly teach you after all of that?"
"Well, the third day was best of all! They taught me to say 'How nice' instead of screw you!"

 

Four ladies meet after 30 years at their High School Reunion. One goes to take food while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.

No. 1 says her son studied economics, became a banker and is so rich, he gave his best friend a Ferrari.

No. 2 said her son became a pilot, started his own airline became so rich, he gave his best friend a jet.

No. 3 said her son became an engineer, started his own development company became so rich, he built his best friend a castle.

No. 4 came back with a plate full of food and asked what the buzz is about. They told her they were talking about how successful their sons became and asked her about her son. She said her son is gay and he works in a gay bar.

The other three said she must be very disappointed with her son for not becoming successful. "Oh no!!" said the Lady, he is doing good. "Last week on his birthday he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."

 

A modern, Orthodox, Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding, meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

''So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "what about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah (good thing) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! It’s a mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing!"

 

Scary Landing

 

Johnny Carson: Well, I have good news. Today, the US Census Bureau announced that the average life span expectancy in the US is 74 and 1/2 years. This is not good news though if you are 74.

 

@joeyd999
Aren't you mixing mitzvah with mechaye?

 

@joeyd999
Aren't you mixing mitzvah with mechaye?

Personally I try to stay away from mixed drinks.

 

@joeyd999
Aren't you mixing mitzvah with mechaye?

I don't have a clue. That joke was forwarded to me from one of my best friends: a very nice, old, Jewish lady. I assume she knows what she is talking about.

 

Personally I try to stay away from mixed drinks.

W.T.F ?

 

W.T.F ?

What? They make me do silly things!

 

Personally I try to stay away from mixed drinks.

Everything you wanted to know about Jewish sex, but were afraid to ask...

Edit: Sorry. I quoted the wrong post.

 

noun. iCrack 1. The distinctive sound of a dropped cell phone hitting a hard floor.
2. Cell phone addiction (Until definition 1. occurs)

 

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data