Stolen from Imgur caption and all.

My apartment lost power for two days. I complained to my dad, and minutes later, I got a text: "They're on the case!"

 

Stolen from Imgur caption and all.

My apartment lost power for two days. I complained to my dad, and minutes later, I got a text: "They're on the case!"

Jumper cables?

 

Jumper cables?

Yep maybe it was a 3 story mobile building

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi.

 

 

 

 

The funeral of the inventor of the USB connector was held earlier. Grieving family members and close friends watched as the coffin was lowered into the plot, lifted out, turned round the right way and lowered back in again.

 

​

 

A Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la Casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won.

 

 

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde name Lola gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So she asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! "

 

True story....A speaker was addressing a group of women.....the speaker took his hand

and moved it across the group right to left. Then he exclaimed to the group of women

(Look at all the beautiful flowers) ah..ah moved across the gathering... timing is every thing...

pointing with his finger a weed here and there....uh..uh..

 

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

 

A blonde shows up for her first day of college listening to something on earbuds.
The professor asks her to remove them. She declines.
Going up to her, he asks her once again to remove the buds. She shakes her head firmly - NO.
Exasperated, he yanks the buds from her ears and is astonished when she turns blue and collapses.
While trying to revive her he hears faint sounds from the earbuds. Picking one up and listening he hears
"Breathe in... Breathe out..."

 

The funeral of the inventor of the USB connector was held earlier. Grieving family members and close friends watched as the coffin was lowered into the plot, lifted out, turned round the right way and lowered back in again.

From the obituaries:
Larry LaPrise, the man who brought the hokey-pokey to the US died today and the sad event was unfortunately marked by pandemonium at the funeral parlor. While preparing Mr. LaPrise for viewing, the director attempted to place him in the casket, starting with his right foot.

That's when the trouble began...

 

Dear Mods:

I believe the following joke is not offensive, per se, but could be considered so by those who don't recognize the great illustrative power of absurdity. No animals were harmed in the posting of this joke...

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.' The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.' 'Can you give us an example?' 'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.' 'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.' 'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.' The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.' 'Scare bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..' 'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?' 'They're free.' 'We'll take 10.'

There. That should upset just about everybody....!

 

... and then holding the tablets, Moses spoke to the (pick your group).. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." Cheering. "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.."
Bada-bing.

 

...No animals were harmed in the posting of this joke...

But, I should have added that a few sacred cows got skewered...

 

I was just really glad I woke up alive this morning!
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/06/end-of-world-7-october-ebible-fellowship
Max.