shortbus was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to his wife of 30 years:

“Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

 

shortbus was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed this question to his wife of 30 years:

“Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”

She answered, “I do.”

HEY!! I resemble that remark! But you forgot grey!

 

HEY!! I resemble that remark! But you forgot grey!

How many people in Australia know you? And why do they feel so comfortable with pointing out those types of features?

 

Valemtine's day on Saturday, I recon I'll be inundated!


[edit]
sorry meant in, undated

 

 

How many people in Australia know you? And why do they feel so comfortable with pointing out those types of features?

I know two, but it seems a third one knows me. That, or tom works for the NSA.

 

GopherT?

personally i like beaver

 

HOT COFFEE
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her,
What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"
She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.
She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the
White House and, if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

 

There aren't enough, "Like"" buttons for that one.

ROFL!

 

theme of the day

---

My wife is so illiterate its unbelievable.

When I pulled her up over a text she sent me, her reply was "Who gives a stuff about spelling a word the right way. Chill out."

So I texted back "There, their, they're. There's no need to be like that."

---

I got a letter from my son's school saying he was illiterate. I went mental!

We got married 3 weeks before he was born.

---

I'm a member of the illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.

---

I'm not saying my wife is computer illiterate, but when I asked her to book mark a webpage for me, I found my laptop shut with a gas bill sticking out of the side...

 

a husband buys his wife a car for Christmas ...

"i don't like it" she says, "i want something that goes from 0-140 in 3 seconds."

so he comes back with a set of bathroom scales and says 'stand on this'

 

I'm not saying my wife is computer illiterate, but when I asked her to book mark a webpage for me, I found my laptop shut with a gas bill sticking out of the side...

At least she didn't just dog-ear the screen.

 

Subject: Ah--the French: DRUNK DRIVING

Study the picture first and then read the story.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asked if he had been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he had been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verified that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asked the Englishman if he knew why, under French Law, he was going to be arrested.
The Englishman answered with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving... on the other side?"


--

​

 

found by google when looking for safety first. I know its setup but still made me smile

 

New Publication:
Understanding Women.


Max.

 

Subject: Ah--the French: DRUNK DRIVING

Study the picture first and then read the story.

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.
A French policeman stopped the Englishman's car and asked if he had been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admitted that he had been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeded to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verified that he is indeed totally sloshed.
He asked the Englishman if he knew why, under French Law, he was going to be arrested.
The Englishman answered with a bit of humor,
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving... on the other side?"


--

​

That was the first thing that came to mind but then I thought maybe he was driving a rental car.

 

sleep (ergo related)

---

i'm so good at sleeping i can do it with my eyes closed

---

---

(please be pardoning illiterate hand written caps)

---

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:

'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:

'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: 'Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

'Can I come over?'

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, 'No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say nervously...

'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions...

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: June 28, 2014

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

 

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.

He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: June 28, 2014

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Long time no see, Joey... good to have you back.