The first telephone Pole? Alexander Grahm Bellowski.

 

Once, there was a boy who loved to read. He read everything he could get his hands on, and loved going to his favorite book store. One day, the boy realized he had read everything the store had to offer. He confronted the owner, and asked him if he had anything the boy had never checked out. The owner said why, yes, I do, and pulled out a book called “Death”. He gladly sold it to the boy at a discounted price of 50$.

However, he warned the boy, never to read the front page. Well, the boy returned to his house and read the book, and he was content. However, he always wondered, what could be on that front page, it was always in the back of his mind. One day, the temptation was too much for the boy, and he flipped to the very front of the book, and dropped the book in HORROR.

There...
in bold print...

was RRP $7.99

 

What smells and shoots at people ... A septic tank


Two gold fish were swimming round a tank, one turns to the other and says "who's driving this thing?"

 

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face"?

 

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

The store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye he sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says, "Mister, is there a problem – is there something I can help you with?" The blind man calmly replies, "No thanks – I’m just looking around."

---

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"That’s odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil, and hands them over the counter. Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to un-wrap their ‘dogs’.

The mother superior begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part… did you get…?"

---

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry man, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pincher?"

He says, "Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures "What the hell," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

He says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?"

--- and the complimentary one liner for Lestraveled

how do you stop a dog from barking in the front yard? put it in the back yard.

 

Two antennas got married on a rooftop. The reception was awesome.

 

Sorry Lestraveled, this isn't a one-liner, but had to post anyway.


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains
of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched
his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

 

DerStrom8, I wish there was a "double Like" button.

 

DerStrom8, I wish there was a "double Like" button.

 

I'm on an all whisky diet, I just started but I've already lost three days.

 

-Doctor, my hands are shaking.
-Do you drink much?
-No, I spill most of it.

 

Here's some to keep Lestravelled happy

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words ...

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..

· I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilet seats in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.

· Cartoonist found dead in home. The details are sketchy.

 

sirch2, Now that's what I'm talking about. Great post!

 

 

Just for you, Lestraveled!

Statistics show that 4,153,237 people got married within the past year. Shouldn't that be an even number?

It's so cold outside I actually saw a ganster pull his pants up!

I'm not out of shape, I'm perfectly round!

Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A pessimist sees the glass as half empty. The optimist sees the glass as half full. The engineer sees the glass as twice as tall as it needs to be.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why did God make them out of meat?

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Bills travel through the mail twice as fast as do checks

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure....

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

The actual length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but takes up a thousand times the memory.

I used to have a photographic memory, but then I ran out of film.

Be nice to your kids. They're the ones who'll choose your nursing home.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

You're unique, just like everyone else!

I'm overworked and underpaid.

Xerox and Wurlitzer partner to market reproductive organs.

I plan to live forever. So far, so good!

Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.

Nobody's paying attention until you make a mistake.

It's all fun and games until the cops show up.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of a bad memory.

35.6% of statistics are made up on the spot.

Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Guns protect people from people with smaller guns.

When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.


Matt

 

You guys are killing me.

 

I saw this sign in a lawyers office:

ESCHEW OBFUSCATION

 

Right now I am "one liner" challenged, so here is one from my back pocket.

A doctor would stop at a bar on the way home each night and order a hazelnut daiquiri. Each night this would happen, same time, same drink. Right on time the doctor walked in the door and the bartender started to make him his drink but discovered that he was out of the hazelnut flavoring. Thinking quickly he used hickory flavoring instead. The doctor took one sip and said, "this is not a hazelnut daiquiri!!", and the bartender replied, "That's right, it's a hickory daiquiri Doc."

 

What do you call an a very hot female lawyer, of questionable morals, arguing a case with many flaws, in a court of law? A torrid tart presenting a tainted tort.

 

Not sure if I did this one yet but I'll post it anyway.

We all know who Mahatma Gandhi was, and you probably know that he would always walk around barefoot. Because of this, he developed an impressive set of callouses on the bottoms of his feet. You may also know that he was very thin--he did not eat much, so he didn't have much flesh to protect his brittle bones. Also, due to his poor eating habits, he developed a terrible case of bad breath. So what does this make him?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by Halitosis.