Entire contents of BEng in Mechanical Engineering:

 

Entire contents of BEng in Mechanical Engineering:

Hope you don't mind, but I'm cross-posting this into What does your workbench look like?

 

No worries lol

 

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian ? '
'Very well', said the voice.The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

I do believe I will tell this story at our Thanksgiving table this year.

 

Math pun…

 

Math pun…
View attachment 75538

I can't stand him after he rapped serveral women..

 

Math Treat

You will be AMAZED at how accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

You can change the magic position to fit any occasion. No political commentary is intended. Older members who went to elementary school before electronic calculators and new math may remember being taught the "magic" properties of 9's to facilitate doing calculations. If you are with nerds, a hex version is: Pick any number 1-F (inclusive), multiply by 3, add 3, multiply by 5. I only tested that for 4 possible seeds, and it seemed to work.

John

 

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, 'Titanic' and 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.

Titanic: Cost - $29.99
Clinton : Cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bulls*** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit..
Clinton : Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember anything.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica... Ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary - basically the same thing

 

ROFL , joey. I barely avoided spewing my morning coffee.
Highest praise for a great joke!

The best I came up with lately is for people about 5 years old, because I've had a cold this week, so I thought of it:
If your nose runs and your feet smell, you're built upside down.

Sorry. We don''t have a smiley for, "groan".

 

Clever use of personalized plates....

 

Math love note:

 

I love this kind of humor.

 

Just had to pass this one on

 

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."

Then the women were told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.

Here are some of the replies:



Who is this?

Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

What now? Did you crash the car again?

I don't understand what you mean?

What did you do now?---?!?

Don't beat around the bush. Just tell me how much you need.

If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.

Your mother is coming to stay, isn't she??

 

not quite a joke, but I thought

was great

 

A man dies and goes to heaven, on his way in St. Peter says "just be careful you don't tread on a duck". The guy looks around and the whole place is covered in ducks.

So he's wandering round chatting to people when all of a sudden a bloke treads on a duck, straight away St Peter appears with the ugliest woman our man has ever seen and St Peter handcuffs the bloke to the woman. After another while the same thing happens again, a guy treads on a duck, St Peter appears with a horrible smelly woman and handcuffs them together.

So our man thinks right, I'm not moving. So he is stood there minding his own business when all of sudden St Peter appears with a gorgeous looking woman and handcuffs her to our man. He says "I don't know what happened there", the woman replies "well, I stood on a duck".

 

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

 

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
The manager was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down to the sales floor to check on how the kid did on his first day. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The manager replies, "Just one?!!? Our employees average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change and soon if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes. The manager felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his manager and says "$101,237.65".
The manager, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat. We went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The manager said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"

 

 

lotsa sales going on