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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Dr.killjoy
- Joined Apr 28, 2013
- 1,196
Not sure if this was posted before but I will place that here..
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,665
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston.
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
A synagogue in New York City holds marriage seminars for the community.
Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage. Schlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years.
The Rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands: “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 15th anniversary!”
The Rabbi responded: ”Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
Some are for women, some for their husbands and some they attend together.
At the men’s seminar last week, the rabbi asked Shlomo about his marriage. Schlomo replied that he had been married for almost 50 years.
The Rabbi was impressed and asked him to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Shlomo replied to the assembled husbands: “I’ve tried to treat her nice, spend money on her, let her keep a Kosher home, take her on trips and never look at other women. Best of all, I took her to Israel for our 15th anniversary!”
The Rabbi responded: ”Shlomo, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Shlomo proudly replied, "I'm going back to Israel to pick her up."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,665
A few 'Groaners'
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
Here are some entries:
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married.They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."
A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
Here are some entries:
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married.They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the crop:
Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
A lady attended the funeral of her friend's recently deceased husband said. "Mildred, I am so sorry to hear of Fred's passing. This is the 4th husband to die on you. So sad. Tell me how did your first husband die"? Mildred responded, "He ate poison mushrooms". The friend said "And the 2nd husband"? Mildred, " He ate poison mushrooms" . The friend, "And the third"? Mildred, "Poison mushrooms" . The friend, "This husband, he didn't die of eating poison mushrooms did he"? Mildred, "No he died from a blow on the head. He wouldn't eat the poison mushrooms".
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,237
No, "You can tune a piano, but you can tuna fish."
Many more subtle levels this way.
(This is for the women here.)
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave; otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping...
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