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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
A virile, middle-aged, Italian guy named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.
Finally, Guido comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.
Absolutely and completely buggered, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian!"
After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her again, and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly amid screams of passion.
Finally, Guido comes to a halt. He smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Once again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido, mustering all his strength and recuperative powers, cranks up for one final burst. In a wild, monumentally frenetic climax they end together, screaming, snorting, bucking, and ripping at the bed sheets.
Absolutely and completely buggered, Guido falls onto his back, gasping for air. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian!"
Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”
“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer-hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were longtime members of a hunting camp.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain’t Stanley.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two assholes.”
“What! Two assholes?” asked the mortician.
“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Stanley with them two assholes.”
Three ducks go into a bar...
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
I have seen this type of ad before. Not new.
Is that really what those freaking things cost used? $56K for an open boat, what 18ft?
After approving his driver's exam, and being granted his first driver's license, an 18 year old kid approaches his father and asks him if he can borrow his car.
The dad says: "Tell you what... first improve your grades, study the Bible a bit, and get a hair cut... and then we can talk about me lending you the car"
After a few weeks, the kid asks his dad again for the car. To which his father says: "Son, I'm proud of you. Your grades have definitely improved, and I've seen for myself that you've been actually reading the Bible... but why haven't you cut your hair as I told you to?"
- "Well dad, from what I've read so far, Samson had long hair, John the Baptist sported a generous mane, and it seems that Moses had long hair too... and there's also undeniable evidence that even Jesus Christ himself wore his hair long!"
- "And didn't you notice that all of them had to travel by foot everywhere they went?"
The dad says: "Tell you what... first improve your grades, study the Bible a bit, and get a hair cut... and then we can talk about me lending you the car"
After a few weeks, the kid asks his dad again for the car. To which his father says: "Son, I'm proud of you. Your grades have definitely improved, and I've seen for myself that you've been actually reading the Bible... but why haven't you cut your hair as I told you to?"
- "Well dad, from what I've read so far, Samson had long hair, John the Baptist sported a generous mane, and it seems that Moses had long hair too... and there's also undeniable evidence that even Jesus Christ himself wore his hair long!"
- "And didn't you notice that all of them had to travel by foot everywhere they went?"
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"A boat is a hole in the water that you pour money into."
Where's the joke? I have one and it works fine -- as long as you follow the instructions carefully and precisely.
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