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MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,659
I've posted this a few times, I have to play it occasionally as it is super.
Wish Bob Marley would have heard it.
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Wish Bob Marley would have heard it.
Hello,
The duck takes a shortcut:
http://www.telegraaf.nl/tv/nieuws/binnenland/28040102/__Eend_neemt_shortcut_door_huiskamer__.html
Bertus
The duck takes a shortcut:
http://www.telegraaf.nl/tv/nieuws/binnenland/28040102/__Eend_neemt_shortcut_door_huiskamer__.html
Bertus
Kylie is welcome to hold my microphone any time she wants.
DEFINITIONS
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: A pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have.
TRIPLETS: A great labour saving device.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS: The only animals you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
RAISIN: A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: A pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have.
TRIPLETS: A great labour saving device.
Damaris Tschida
- Joined Jul 21, 2016
- 5
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"
justtrying
- Joined Mar 9, 2011
- 439
From Canadian Jokes to Canadian Sarcasm
AsVancouver was hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, here are some silly questions that were asked by people from all over the world. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were indeed asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
AsVancouver was hosting the 2010 Winter Olympics, here are some silly questions that were asked by people from all over the world. Believe it or not, these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Web site. Obviously the answers are not to be taken seriously, but the questions were indeed asked and are now another addition to the collection of Canadian jokes!
Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto. Can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only 4,000 miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North… oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Canada? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada? (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada? (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
@justtrying:
Very funny, especially the last query.
Very funny, especially the last query.
My friends insist I come along on bicycle tours of Canada because of my fluency in Canadian. Not an easy language to speak aye?
justtrying
- Joined Mar 9, 2011
- 439
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked him, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then he prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Leroy, and the congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After several minutes, the preacher removed his hands, then he stood back and said, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy replied, "I don't know... it ain't 'til Thursday."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked him, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then he prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Leroy, and the congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After several minutes, the preacher removed his hands, then he stood back and said, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy replied, "I don't know... it ain't 'til Thursday."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,659
A little boy was waiting for his mother. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle; "Mister, You're Kidding me, right? You don't even know the way to the Post Office."
Attachments
a couple in their 90's are both having problems remembering things.
during their regular checkup, the doctor tells them that they are both physically ok but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember...
later that night while watching tv, the old man gets up and says 'want anything from the kitchen while i'm there?'
she says 'could you get me a bowl of ice cream please? but don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
he replies 'no, i'll remember it dear'
she says 'well, i'd like some strawberries on top of the ice cream, you sure you don't want to write that down?'
he says 'i can remember that, a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top.'
she says 'i'd also like some whipped cream on top of the strawberries, surely you want me to write that down?'
irritated, he says 'you don't need to write that down, i CAN remember it, ice cream, strawberries with whipped cream on top - i got it for goodness sake'
then he toddles into to the kitchen.
20 minutes later, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs...
she stares at the plate for a moment and says 'where's my toast?'
during their regular checkup, the doctor tells them that they are both physically ok but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember...
later that night while watching tv, the old man gets up and says 'want anything from the kitchen while i'm there?'
she says 'could you get me a bowl of ice cream please? but don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?'
he replies 'no, i'll remember it dear'
she says 'well, i'd like some strawberries on top of the ice cream, you sure you don't want to write that down?'
he says 'i can remember that, a bowl of ice cream with strawberries on top.'
she says 'i'd also like some whipped cream on top of the strawberries, surely you want me to write that down?'
irritated, he says 'you don't need to write that down, i CAN remember it, ice cream, strawberries with whipped cream on top - i got it for goodness sake'
then he toddles into to the kitchen.
20 minutes later, he returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs...
she stares at the plate for a moment and says 'where's my toast?'
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