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No. That's the commute between your head and @#12's -- in which both, it seems, I reside rent free.
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Then what is 4 to 6 miles each day? Does it have to do with a daily bus ride?
A friend of a friend of a friend of a friend got a pet snake. She was an older women, snakes had never interested her before, but this one caught her heart for some reason. She would put in her purse and take it everywhere. Well as snakes do...it grew. And she still took it everywhere with her. It even slept with her, every nite. When it got about 6 ft. long, it quit eating. She was starting to get worried, she thought something was wrong because the snake wasn't sleeping like it used to also. Several times upon rising....the snake was stretched out along her instead of normally coiled.
She she took him to a snake vet specialist. After listening, he just chuckled and told her not to worry, it was perfectly normal behavior.
"the snake is just measuring you out."
She she took him to a snake vet specialist. After listening, he just chuckled and told her not to worry, it was perfectly normal behavior.
"the snake is just measuring you out."
You know this is a jokes thread right?
The high school coach gathered his football team around a table and said, "Guys, I have a something important to show you".
"Can everyone see these two glasses?" He looks around and sees a lot of nodding heads. "This glass has water in it and the other one has beer in it", he said.
Reaching into a bowl, he says, "Now watch what happens when I drop an earthworm into the glass of water". The team sees the worm swims happily around in the water.
He says, "Okay, now watch what happens when I put the worm into the beer". He fishes the worm out of the water and drops it into the beer. It immediately shrivels up and dies.
By now, one of the linemen is getting excited. The coach faces the team and asks, "Can anyone tell us what you learned today?"
The lineman raises his hand and practically shouts, "Coach. Coach. Me, coach.". Pointing at the lineman, the coach says, "Alright, you tell us".
The lineman proudly states, "If we drink beer, we won't have worms!".
"Can everyone see these two glasses?" He looks around and sees a lot of nodding heads. "This glass has water in it and the other one has beer in it", he said.
Reaching into a bowl, he says, "Now watch what happens when I drop an earthworm into the glass of water". The team sees the worm swims happily around in the water.
He says, "Okay, now watch what happens when I put the worm into the beer". He fishes the worm out of the water and drops it into the beer. It immediately shrivels up and dies.
By now, one of the linemen is getting excited. The coach faces the team and asks, "Can anyone tell us what you learned today?"
The lineman raises his hand and practically shouts, "Coach. Coach. Me, coach.". Pointing at the lineman, the coach says, "Alright, you tell us".
The lineman proudly states, "If we drink beer, we won't have worms!".
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,668
THE REDNECK AND THE GORILLA ! ! ! !
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' t-shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "You can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
A small zoo in North Carolina obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.
Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' t-shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "You can't never tell nobody about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.
And last, Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,668
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners: -------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon(n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug(n.):Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out17. Caterpallor(n.):The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v.To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v.To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj.Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n.Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n.A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n.A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n.The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
_.___
Max.
.
Here are the winners: -------------------------------------------------
1. Cashtration(n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid
7.Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm:The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte:To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.(This one got extra credit)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon(n):The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit(n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug(n.):Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out17. Caterpallor(n.):The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
The WashingtonPost has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:
1. Coffee, n.The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj.Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v.To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v.To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj.Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n.Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n.Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n.A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n.A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n.The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13.Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14.Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15.Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.Circumvent, n.An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
_.___
Max.
.
1 shit point awarded to Motanache for trying to turn a fun jokes thread political. Please take your shit elsewhere.
And the "joke" was not even a least bit funny to boot.
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I am beginning to feel like the seal here.
The woman is naked in the mirror ... It is not satisfied with what they see, and tell her husband:
- I feel horrible! Too old, fat and ugly. I am depressed, I need a compliment, please!
The husband replies:
- You see very well !
In a family with three girls, the phone is ringing.
Father responds:
- Hello?
- You're little frog? He hear a male voice !?
- No, I am the owner of the lake.
When you feel stupid, remember there are people out there looking for Pokemons.
- I feel horrible! Too old, fat and ugly. I am depressed, I need a compliment, please!
The husband replies:
- You see very well !
In a family with three girls, the phone is ringing.
Father responds:
- Hello?
- You're little frog? He hear a male voice !?
- No, I am the owner of the lake.
When you feel stupid, remember there are people out there looking for Pokemons.
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Not exactly a joke but I had some fun and was laughing by the end of this:
I got a call from Microsoft tech support. It was a woman with a foreign accent. She said that I had bad files on my computer making it run slow and lock up.
I explained to her that I had to do something and would be right back. I did a couple of little things and, to my surprise, she was still there when I picked up the phone again. I, again, said I would be right back and did a couple more things and... she was still there when I got back! Quickly, I said that I had to do one more thing and left the phone for a bit more of time.
When I got back this time I let her continue. She asked If I was in front of my computer. I lied and said that I was. She told me to press the "Windows" and "r" keys simultaneously. When I said that I did this she asked what I saw. I said I saw a window. This "tech" support person did not know what a window is.
She called it a pop-up. I even asked her if she knew why Microsoft called it "Windows". Completely clueless -- maybe she may never actually used a computer.
At this point, I asked to talk to a supervisor. I actually got someone different. The "supervisor" was a guy. I explained to him how stupid his employee was and that he was stupid for hiring her. He apologized and went back into the spiel again about the Win-r key press. I stopped him and asked if he really had the right person. He said "yes" and that they were calling all Windows users at my ZIP code. I interrupted him and asked how he knew my ZIP code. He tried to avoid my question so I kept asking. He finally relented to my asking and gave me an incorrect (bogus) one. When I said that it was not right he hung up on me!
Commentary:
I must have "stupid" painted on my forehead. I have gotten 5 or 6 calls that start like this one within just the last week!!!!! It is a good thing that I am easily entertained.
I got a call from Microsoft tech support. It was a woman with a foreign accent. She said that I had bad files on my computer making it run slow and lock up.
I explained to her that I had to do something and would be right back. I did a couple of little things and, to my surprise, she was still there when I picked up the phone again. I, again, said I would be right back and did a couple more things and... she was still there when I got back! Quickly, I said that I had to do one more thing and left the phone for a bit more of time.
When I got back this time I let her continue. She asked If I was in front of my computer. I lied and said that I was. She told me to press the "Windows" and "r" keys simultaneously. When I said that I did this she asked what I saw. I said I saw a window. This "tech" support person did not know what a window is.
She called it a pop-up. I even asked her if she knew why Microsoft called it "Windows". Completely clueless -- maybe she may never actually used a computer.
At this point, I asked to talk to a supervisor. I actually got someone different. The "supervisor" was a guy. I explained to him how stupid his employee was and that he was stupid for hiring her. He apologized and went back into the spiel again about the Win-r key press. I stopped him and asked if he really had the right person. He said "yes" and that they were calling all Windows users at my ZIP code. I interrupted him and asked how he knew my ZIP code. He tried to avoid my question so I kept asking. He finally relented to my asking and gave me an incorrect (bogus) one. When I said that it was not right he hung up on me!
Commentary:
I must have "stupid" painted on my forehead. I have gotten 5 or 6 calls that start like this one within just the last week!!!!! It is a good thing that I am easily entertained.
That's very strange... are you sure they weren't some sort of scammers, trying to see how far they could get with you?
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