Scientists just determined that Pterodactyl could go to the bathroom more quietly than any other animal.

My 11 year old twin grandsons will love that. They think any joke about bodily functions is hilarious.

 

Q. What did the Fine Arts student say to the Engineering student at McDonalds?

A. Do you want fries with that, sir?

 

Q. What did the Fine Arts student say to the Engineering student at McDonalds?

A. Do you want fries with that, sir?

A better version would've been "What did the fine arts graduate ..."

 

My daughter accused me of the classic Dad joke. It takes a while to set up for someone NOT from Boston, so be patient.

The Neponset River flows along the southern boundary of Boston. Along its banks lies the Neponset River Park, a collection of fields and jogging/bicycle paths. Not too far from the park is where my daughter lives.

Daughter: Dad, I bought a new bike.
Dad: Cool. Where are you going to ride it?
Daughter: Neponset River
Dad: Shouldn't you have bought a boat?

 

you know van gough was a painter, he didn't have an ear for music

---

vincent van gough walks into a bar and the bartender offers him a drink

vincent says 'no thanks, i got one 'ere'

 

[continuing artistic trend..]

what did the artist draw before he went to bed?

the curtains

---

you might be an artist if -

- the only piece of new furniture you have in your home is a $2000 easel
- you've ever cleaned your fingernails with a palette knife
- you butter your toast with your fingers, just to feel its texture
- you've ever considered framing your palette instead of the painting
- you notice the burnt umber in the background of the playboy centrefold
- you routinely drink the rinse water instead of the coffee
- you do judge a book by its cover

 

sorry guys... i'll do this

 

My daughter accused me of the classic Dad joke. It takes a while to set up for someone NOT from Boston, so be patient.

The Neponset River flows along the southern boundary of Boston. Along its banks lies the Neponset River Park, a collection of fields and jogging/bicycle paths. Not too far from the park is where my daughter lives.

Daughter: Dad, I bought a new bike.
Dad: Cool. Where are you going to ride it?
Daughter: Neponset River
Dad: Shouldn't you have bought a boat?

I am guessing the joke has something to do with the pronunciation of Neponset.


Edit: OK I get it now. Wow that is a bad joke.

 

This supposedly is a true story. I remember reading it in Readers Digest

A woman went to visit her lady friend in New Jersey. They were strolling down the boulevard, window shopping. They paused in front of a jewellery store to browse. The woman from NJ asked her friend, "Do you have PSDS"? The friend looked at her quizzingly and said "PSDS?? The friend from NJ tugged at her ear and said "you know, PSDS, PSDS"!

This actually happened to me. I moved to Dallas to work at Texas Instruments along with 2 of my former classmates. We got there a day early so decided to go into the city. Typical Pittsburghers (of at least that time), we decided to take the bus into town. We were standing at the bus stop when I friends wondered if we should confirm if the bus we were about to board was going into the city.

There was a rather large elderly black woman waiting at our stop. I was elected to ask her about the bus. In my Pittsburghese accent of the time, I asked "Excuse me mam, does this bus go dahntahn? She looked at me and said with a southern drawl 'Where? Denton?" (Denton is just northwest of Dallas). I said no "dahntahn, dahntahn"! She said to me "Honey, I don't know where that is". I walked away wondering how someone could not know were dahntahn is located.

 

In my Pittsburghese accent of the time,

I was in Philly one bright and beautiful New Years Day. After one sentence from a local, I quit trying to talk to them.

 

Hello,

What did edison do after he invented the light bulb?

 

Hello,

What did edison do after he invented the light bulb?

View attachment 119915

That cartoon reminds me of "The Far Side" series that I loved so much.

 

It's a pity that the English language never really caught on in the US.

 

That cartoon reminds me of "The Far Side" series that I loved so much.

Was thinking the same thing.

 

The
liquid inside young coconuts
can be used as a substitute
for Blood Plasma.
******************************
No piece of paper can be folded
in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh,go
ahead ...I'll
wait.
****************************** *
Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes or shark attacks.
(So, watch your Ass )
****************************** **
You burn more calories sleeping!
than you do watching television.
****************************** *
Oak trees do NOT produce acorns until they are
fifty (50) years of age or older.
******************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.
******************************
The King of Hearts
is the only
King
WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
******************************
American Airlines saved $40,000
in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.
******************************
Venus is the only planet
that rotates clockwise.
(Since Venus is normally associated
with women, what does this tell you?
That women are going
in the 'right'
direction...!
****************************** *****
Apples, not caffeine,
are
more efficient at
waking you up in the morning ...
****************************** *****
Most dust particles in your house
are made from
DEAD SKIN !
****************************** *******
The first owner of the
Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
So did the first 'Marlboro Man'.
****************************** *******
Walt Disney was afraid
OF MICE!
****************************** ********
PEARLS DISSOLVE
IN VINEGAR!
****************************** ********
The ten most valuable
brand names on earth:
Apple, Coca Cola, Google,
IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds,
Samsung, Intel and Toyota ,
in that order.
****************************** ***********
It IS possible to lead a cow upstairs ...
but, NOT downstairs.
****************************** **********
A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.
****************************** *********
Dentists have recommended that
a toothbrush be kept at least Six (6) feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles
resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush
in the living room now!)
****************************** ********
And the best for last.....!
Turtles can breathe through their BUTTS!
(I know some people like that,
don't YOU?)So........................
Remember, knowledge is everything,
So go move your toothbrush!
And stop folding that
DAMN PAPER!
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?


If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.

Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living.

Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include:

Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare and Naked Twister.

Warnings:

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may cause you to think you can sing.

The consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


Please feel free to share this important information with as many people as you feel may benefit!


Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Shiraz or robust Zinfandel.


Life Is A Cabernet Old Chum!

 

Psychiatrist to patient: Do you suffer from indecent thoughts?
Patient: No, I rather enjoy them!

 

 

View attachment 120203

In order for such a joke to be funny, it must at least possess a modicum of truth.

Though solar technologies are improving, meeting current US electricity needs with today’s photovoltaic technology would require about 10,000 square miles of solar panels—an area the size of New Hampshire and Rhode Island combined. Moreover, if photovoltaic power is established in those areas of the country like the desert southwest where sunshine is abundant, consideration must be made for transmission lines as well as the “line loss” that accompanies electrical transmission over great distances.

 

In order for such a joke to be funny, it must at least possess a modicum of truth.

It depends.