The Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by R!f@@, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. joeyd999

    AAC Fanatic!

    Jun 6, 2011
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    I thought a circus had a juggler.
     
  2. Hymie

    Active Member

    Mar 30, 2018
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    A change in wind direction

    Seeing one of the children making faces at others in the school playground, Ms Smith went over to offer friendly advice to the child.

    Smiling sweetly, she bent down and said, ‘Johnny, when I was a child, my parents told me that if I made an ugly face, the wind might change direction and I would stay like that.’

    Little Johnny looked up at her and replied ‘Well Ms Smith, you can’t say you weren’t warned.’
     
    Wendy, atferrari, R!f@@ and 1 other person like this.
  3. boatsman

    AAC Fanatic!

    Jan 17, 2008
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    President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, and the Pope accepted. During lunch a puff of wind blew the Pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about fifty feet, and then it just floated in place. The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go and get it, when Trump waved them off, saying, 'Don't bother boys, I'll get it.' The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht , walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat. The crew was speechless,
    the security team and the Pope's entourage were speechless. No one knew what to say, not even the Pope.
    But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, CNN and MSNBC reported, "Trump can't swim!!
     
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  4. cmartinez

    AAC Fanatic!

    Jan 17, 2007
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    1ef025e0-f442-4d01-b489-e2e664c9e3c8.jpg
     
    wayneh, boatsman, R!f@@ and 1 other person like this.
  5. bertus

    Administrator

    Apr 5, 2008
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    Engeneering_flowchart.jpg
     
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  6. Sinus23

    Active Member

    Sep 7, 2013
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    8mEQGNv.jpg
     
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  7. Sinus23

    Active Member

    Sep 7, 2013
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    Wt9mkBf.jpg

    Might've been posted here before... But yikes...
     
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  8. Sinus23

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    Sep 7, 2013
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  9. DickCappels

    Moderator

    Aug 21, 2008
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    We lived in a condo in the South of Bangkok. The telephone lines in the building were very noisy -that was back in the days of dial-up, and I was lucky to stay connected for a few minutes and lucky to send/receive email, never mind surfing the web. These were the days when a separate pair of wires for every telephone number was routed from a substation or a junction box to the individual telephone jack.

    One day we were coming into the complex from the street and since it was raining lightly we went through the underground parking lot. Overhead was a tangle of wires like those two posts above where they entered the parking lot near the roof, then ran on another 1,000 meters to the condo buildings. My wife asked what it was, I said "telephone wires". "Oh, now I know why our phone is so crackly."

    A week later I paid the equivalent of US$100 to have a private line run to our apartment. Best $100 I ever spent!
     
    R!f@@ likes this.
  10. Hymie

    Active Member

    Mar 30, 2018
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    The naked truth

    Last night I stepped out of the bath and walked into the bedroom.

    Standing naked in front of a full-length mirror, admiring my manhood - I said to Mrs Hymie ‘Two inches more and I’d be a King.’

    At which she looked over at me and replied ‘Three inches less and you’d be a Queen.’
     
    shortbus likes this.
  11. bertus

    Administrator

    Apr 5, 2008
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  12. Hymie

    Active Member

    Mar 30, 2018
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    Live until eternity

    A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity - what should I do?"

    "Get married" said the Rabbi.

    "It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?" He said.

    The Rabbi replied, "No, but the desire will disappear."
     
  13. BR-549

    AAC Fanatic!

    Sep 22, 2013
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    My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

    Now I am worried shitless.
     
    cmartinez likes this.
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