The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Republicans?
Who thinks like what? It is a joke. This is the jokes the thread after all.
One shit point awarded to shortbus for possibly setting off another argument in and otherwise good thread.
Oh, I know. I'm just expressing my awe at people that can come up with such crazy jokes.
It is a REALLY old joke. I think the original version is MUCH longer. Sort of like the annoying purple gorilla / your it joke.
The version I heard ended with the newborn being a gigantic ear wrapped in diapers, and the nurse telling the dad "I'm so sorry, Sir. But I'm afraid your son is deaf!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it'swhat you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it'swhat you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns and asks, "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
What? You don't think republicans are a joke?
I just set up a redemption kiosk. If you collect 12 shit points, I'll give you an official certificate that says "I was on a bus to New Hampshire on the evening of November 8th, 2016." Complete with a photoshopped image of you on a bus.
Shortbus is racking them up. Half point for liking his second post.
With my history, I'll be redeeming the points soon. Going to make a fancy carved wood frame for the certificate. What are the dimensions of it? Might take a little longer if I keep liking Spin's posts though.
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,163
I need to meditate after this recent turn of posts. Ohm. Ohm.
You can select either the 11x17" certificate or you can have it printed onto a red T-shirt suitable for wearing to the shooting range, NASCAR race or bowling alley.
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’
Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.
I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.
I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
My grandson will get a kick out of that!
A man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, “Ship her home.”
Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?”
To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead….I cant take THAT chance!”
The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, “Ship her home.”
Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?”
To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead….I cant take THAT chance!”
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