Carol and I met during my divorce. When she found out I was still married while dating her, she was upset. Was worried that she was nothing more than a rebound girl. Almost two years later, I reassured that she was not.

For the most part, the relationship was wonderful. We had planned a trip to NH this fall, a trip to Nashville this winter, a two-week Alaskan Rail/Trail vacation and a trip to Disney World for its 50th anniversary.

But she lived in a world of fear, unhappiness and doubt. I could no longer deal with these issues, because it was affecting me in an unhealthy manner.

So I made the decision. Possibly the most difficult one in my life (Divorce was a piece of cake compared to this). Thankfully, with support, advice and humor, my AAC friends have been here for me.

 

It's not that they hold grudges, they simply prefer patience, cunning and planning...

You just made my case for me. Thanks.

 

You just made my case for me. Thanks.

I appreciate how grateful you are and, as you know, I am always happy to help you out making your many cases, but, clearly, you misunderstood. Let me try it with a picture...

Cat getting ready to hold a fudge:

See the difference?

 

I appreciate how grateful you are and, as you know, I am always happy to help you out making your many cases, but, clearly, you misunderstood. Let me try it with a picture...

Cat getting ready to hold a fudge:

See the difference?

When in doubt, get a husky. They seems to tjink they are part cats. At least mine does.

 

When in doubt, get a husky.

The problem with Huskies is you can only teach them "go", "left", and "right". And pretty much nothing else. If you're lucky (and it's a really smart dog), maybe "stop".

 

The problem with Huskies is you can only teach them "go", "left", and "right". And pretty much nothing else. If you're lucky (and it's a really smart dog), maybe "stop".

That is why they are a good substitute for a "relationship"

You mean if you lucky and you got a dumb husky?

 

Usually have advice on how to make a relationship work. But after reading your posts, I concur, getting out was probably the best thing you can do for yourself. I'm in my second marriage. The first was good at first but then the "Good" went away and it was just a marriage. Then it got bad. Five years in was when the bad started. I won't go into details, but I made the mistake of trying to stick it out. After all, "In good times and in bad" meant something to me. 13 years in it got hellish. 15 years it was beyond hellish, beyond description and beyond belief. Finally at 17 years we parted. I used to have a beautiful head of hair. But by the 17th year it was falling out fast and greying like you wouldn't believe. Stress can be the worst thing in the world for your health. After separation I noticed some of the hairs falling out had dark roots again. Eventually the hair stopped falling out. By 19 years the divorce was final and I've rebounded quite nicely - despite an uphill battle.

My second (current) marriage has been entirely different. Except for stress. That may be a constant in any relationship. But it works. Here's why: First, we like each other. Yes, I said "Like". Oh, we love each other, but we also like each other. I've seen people love someone they didn't like. Even hated. So liking the person you're with (even a dog or a cat), you need that to stay strong in the relationship. The second thing that keeps us strong is that we laugh together. We can watch a comedy and laugh or we can have snowball fights, squirt gun fights, pillow fights (not literally), play silly little - non harmful - practical jokes on each other and laugh our heads off. Here's why laughter is so important. I describe it this way: "Have you ever watched children play? How they laugh and scream with delight? They're building friendships that can last a lifetime. But when the laughter ends, so does the friendship." Laughter is a part of joy in life. If we lack the joy then life can be hellish - or beyond for those who don't have the good sense to get out while the getting is good. So find someone you enjoy life with. Someone you like and laugh with.

The final key in a successful relationship is the ability to listen and understand. I tell others that when you listen to your partner you must listen without judgement and without interruption. You must understand that your partner has feelings on any given topic. Whether you agree or disagree, you have to listen and understand this is how your partner feels. The key being "Feelings". There are no "Right" or "Wrong" feelings, just "Feelings". And when they hurt, whether real or imagined, the pain is real and it hurts. You need to take the time to understand your partners feelings and accept that this is how they feel. Doesn't mean you have to adopt their position on any given subject, you just need to understand and accept them for what they are. And of course, they must afford you the same privelage. These are the things that keep me loving my wife - even though sometimes she can raise the stress level through the roof. I can only imagine I must do the same to her from time to time - and I have no idea when I'm doing that. Oh, she's told me a thing or two, so I have to remain mindful of what stresses her out.

So I hope you can take away something from all this. If your former relationship was lacking in any of these three things then you probably did the right thing to get out. Being advanced in years as you and I are, you've got me by a few years, I've noticed something about people: When young we can change our point of view more easily than when we get older (old). In our advanced years we become set in our ways and accustomed to the way things have always been. This is sometimes the bane of new relationships in advanced years. You like to drop your socks on the floor and she can't stand a messy living room. Yet she leaves her stockings hung over the shower curtain and it drives you nuts. Hey! That's life.

Another thing in life is compromise. We have to learn to accept others as they are without the hope of changing them. And they have to accept us as we are. When two people meet with this very mindset it can work. My marriage is now almost 15 years in, and there's things I've learned to live with. I hate some of the things she does, but then again, she hates some of the things I do. The good news is that we can discuss it between us without judgement, and make a better effort to not be so obnoxious. Relationships take work. Sometimes they're successful, sometimes they're not.

One mistake I would advise against is to run out and get a replacement relationship to fill the empty space. Take the time you need to grieve the loss. When sufficient grieving has been done you'll find yourself in a place ready to give your time and attention to a new relationship. Then the work starts all over again. Just keep this in mind - a failed relationship failed for a reason. Going back into the same situation only means it will fail again. UNLESS both parties are aware of the reason for the failure and are BOTH able to make the necessary changes. That's rare. Not impossible, but rare. If you felt strong enough to end the relationship then you probably did the right thing. You'll miss the familiarity and the attention, but you'll also miss the stress and grief. You'll live longer without the stress.

 

YOU SEE! I just went into the kitchen and once again she left a drawer open and a cupboard open. One of those nagging things that are - meaningless, yet cause grief. As I sit here with old socks on the floor next to me.

 

Yes, don't sweat the small stuff.

 

I try not to. But for that moment it did cause some frustration. Then I closed the drawer and door. I'm over it.

 

Tony, thanks for your words. I’m good except for one thing.

I’m already dating someone else. Aware of the difficulties and down side of finding a rebound relationship, I’ve decided to take it slow. Like, we’re only seeing each other every two, three or four weeks. Dinner, movie or bowling

It’s a compromise I made.

 

We are masters of our own destiny.

 

It’s breakup+2 and you’re still having difficulty dealing with it. When during the breakup, she says with head bowed, “I should have said this before...” and raises her head to look you in the eyes while she adds, “I love you”, you lose your ability to breathe.

 

Here's why: First, we like each other. Yes, I said "Like". Oh, we love each other, but we also like each other. I've seen people love someone they didn't like.

Been there and done that many times. Am back with the first wife now for going on 10 years, after being divorced for almost 30. We both found out we were our own best fit. Met her in 7th grade. It was my fault we divorced, went from her being my only partner, to working at a place with me and 90 women on midnight turn. Second marriage for me only lasted 2 years.

 

In today's society, if a Man marries or has children, he gives up his citizenship and becomes a subject.

Don't do it. Only one son followed my advice and the others envy him.

 

MOD NOTE: At the TS's request, the bickering posts have been removed. Please stop that exchange, otherwise you will be blocked from making further posts in this thread.

 

Enough for now.
Sorry @djsfantasi

 

MOD: Thread Re-Opened, please stay on the TS's Topic.

"Two users have been temporarily banned from this thread for disruptive behaviour"

 

and raises her head to look you in the eyes while she adds, “I love you”, you lose your ability to breathe.

Yeah, I can understand that.

Funny how we humans imprint on others. When we're born we imprint on family. Many people know that. But not so many people know we imprint on a mate. Usually happens around age 17 for guys (some guys anyway) and around 22 for women. (my sole opinion)

When I was 17 I fell deeply in love with B. Sadly, she didn't fall in love with me. For many years, and still today, I think of her often. At one point - 18 years after our breakup I saw her for one afternoon. Oh how the memories came flooding back and the love I felt for her. Though I was married (in a hellish marriage) we spoke often on the phone. Then one day she decided she didn't want to pursue a relationship. That sent me into tailspins all over again, and the pain of the loss was nearly as bitter as it was the first time I lost her. So I'm familiar with the power a woman can have over a man who loves her.

I was talking about imprinting. We also imprint on OUR children when they are born. This whole thing is biological. Imprinting on someone makes us vulnerable to those flashing eyes and gentle words that mean so much to us. There's a certain biology that goes on called "Pheromones". We have no control over who we fall in love with. Even when married we can find ourselves biologically attracted to someone outside our marriage. It's the primary reason why people cheat. Not just men, women too. We're biologically programmed for attraction and procreation. I know you didn't bring up the subject of procreation - and I don't intend to go there. Just making the point how we, as humans, can be so viciously attracted to another person. So, you've found a listening ear here. I understand how you can be trapped backwards into a bad relationship. Unfortunately biology has nothing to do with how another person may have the wrong attitude in a relationship. I've seen plenty of bad, even violent relationships that people just can't get themselves out of. And if for some reason they DO get out of such, they fall right into another relationship of the exact same caliber.

You've said your relationship was bad. Trust me, it was bad for a reason. Going back only means going back to the bad. I just believe (my opinion here - doesn't mean it's the end-all of beliefs) that you would better suit yourself taking the time to get over the loss. I also believe it's never the right idea to end one relationship just because you've found another. Well, I won't brow-beat you over this. Like I said before - we are the masters of our own destinies. In other words, you'll get what you pay for. I only hope this new relationship works out for you.

Good luck my friend.

 

@Tonyr1084

I get what you’re saying.But I’m not going into a new relationship looking for a new relationship. It’s more like a friend to occasionally go out for fun with. Right now, I don’t have any people in my life for that.

The objective is not romance. No calling midweek. No time at home. No texting or sharing pics. Go to a movie and drinks. Bowling... Maybe a comedy show. Maybe even shopping at Lowe’s. And doing this maybe once a month. I’m good until next October Our next date is three weeks away. And, I’ll be traveling (alone) the week after that.

Sure, it’s playing with Fire. Maybe some day, I’ll post “Damn, Tony was sure right”. Or maybe not. Regardless, I appreciate your input.