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Thread Starter

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
5,826
I know this is about as far from electronics as you can get. But I just want to share with my community.

I’m 65. Divorced after a 38 year marriage. I’ve been seeing someone for almost 2 years.

And I broke up with her tonight. It’s been almost 45 years since I’ve experienced this. I didn’t want to break up, but the relationship was becoming increasingly unhealthy for me.

I’ve had a few drinks after talking to her. The pain is real. We still love each other, but I can’t continue.

Anyone feel like being supportive?
 

Zeeus

Joined Apr 17, 2019
481
But I just want to share with my community.
Nice
I’m 65. Divorced after a 38 year marriage. I’ve been seeing someone for almost 2 years.

And I broke up with her tonight. It’s been almost 45 years since I’ve experienced this. I didn’t want to break up, but the relationship was becoming increasingly unhealthy for me.

I’ve had a few drinks after talking to her. The pain is real. We still love each other, but I can’t continue.

Anyone feel like being supportive?
Buckle up.....Solve some transistor circuits
 

Zeeus

Joined Apr 17, 2019
481
I know this is about as far from electronics as you can get. But I just want to share with my community.

I’m 65. Divorced after a 38 year marriage. I’ve been seeing someone for almost 2 years.

And I broke up with her tonight. It’s been almost 45 years since I’ve experienced this. I didn’t want to break up, but the relationship was becoming increasingly unhealthy for me.

I’ve had a few drinks after talking to her. The pain is real. We still love each other, but I can’t continue.

Anyone feel like being supportive?
What happened to your wife tho? why divorce after such a long time? guessing you have kids..they aren't mad about this?

Anyways..We see you're reading voltage regulator thread lol, trying to console yourself: not bad

Transistors
 

MrChips

Joined Oct 2, 2009
19,728
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, or
Out of sight, out of mind.

Sometimes it is good to break up for awhile to clear the fog out of your head.
Give it a couple of months and see how you both feel about each other.

An important thing to remember about personal relationships - you both need space for yourselves and your own interests.
 

Thread Starter

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
5,826
What happened to your wife tho? why divorce after such a long time? guessing you have kids..they aren't mad about this?

Anyways..We see you're reading voltage regulator thread lol, trying to console yourself: not bad

Transistors
My wife was abusive, physically and mentally, and leaving was the best thing i ever did in my life. My kids are not mad. They are very supportive (they’re about 30ish)
 

crutschow

Joined Mar 14, 2008
23,725
I know from experience that we each have our wants and needs, and those can conflict with your partners wants and needs.
I think it's rare for that conflict not to happen, and it's a real effort to reconcile and/or reach a compromise for the two, even in the best of relationships.
Sometimes it's just not possible and you have to part.
Sorry that it didn't work for you.
Hope the pain of that doesn't last too long.
 

Berzerker

Joined Jul 29, 2018
549
djsfantasi said:
My wife was abusive, physically and mentally
Married twice myself. Both were abusive towards me. I tried to make them work but to no avail. After the second failed I made a promise to myself and still live by it to this day and thank my Dad for saying it to me.
I've posted it several times on here and I think it fits this just fine.

NEVER allow others to tell you what to think, tell them HOW you think.

An abusive relationship only gets worse over time....... NEVER BETTER.

Brzrkr
 
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MrChips

Joined Oct 2, 2009
19,728
If there is one word it is RESPECT.

Respect the other person's beliefs.
Respect the other person's feelings.
Respect the other person's needs.
Respect the other person's space.

And respect your own beliefs, feelings, and needs.
 

bogosort

Joined Sep 24, 2011
427
Anyone feel like being supportive?
First, congratulations on removing yourself from an unhealthy relationship. That's the most important thing, and you should always keep it in mind. In the coming months you'll likely experience various strong emotions. At times you may feel great relief, even exhilaration -- embrace it. Other times you may feel heartbreak. Allow yourself to grieve, as there is genuine sadness in the end of a relationship, even one that was ultimately unhealthy. Loneliness has its way of creeping in, and you may find yourself thinking about her, missing her, maybe even second-guessing your decision. It's perfectly natural to miss someone you've loved, but if you're feeling self-doubt, try to introspect and see what's behind the feeling -- do you really miss the relationship (and all that comes with it), or is it something else? Check in on yourself, and if there's something about your current, relationship-free situation that is bothering you, address it directly. When in doubt, remember the most important thing: you left an unhealthy relationship, and you had very good reasons for doing so.

For all that you'll be going through, I have no doubt that you'll be better for it. Again, congratulations.
 

Thread Starter

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
5,826
@bogosort Re: second guessing my decision... it’s only the second day and I’ve second guessed the decision several times. Your comments are helpful in that they confirm that my thoughts are normal and to be expected.

Thank you.
 

BobTPH

Joined Jun 5, 2013
2,102
Don’t second guess it. If you get back together it won’t take long before you realize you were right the first time. This being from my experience.

Bob
 
I hate these kinds of posts. You are asking for support and you get advice.

For the support part…you seem like a decent guy to me and I am sorry that you are going through this. It will get better. Hang in there. Buck up. Buckle up. You are mentally strong and an intelligent guy and you can handle this.

For the advice part, well, I don’t have any real advice but I do, like everyone, have an opinion. I qualify it by stressing that I am not a clinician of any sort. I am just an old guy, like you, trying to figure things out.

If you really feel like you are falling apart or are contemplating an extreme action (I don’t think that you are, but I can’t tell by reading a forum post), seek professional help just as you would in any other case where something needs fixing. Even if you don’t feel it is a dire situation, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling.

I view emotional attachments (i.e., relationships) in the same way as other forms of dependence. It is not being cold-hearted; it is being, in my view, accurate.

Did you ever quit smoking, or drinking, or go on a strict diet? You likely felt periodic pangs or intrusive thoughts. Maybe they were so severe that they seemed to encompass your entire consciousness at times. It can be the same with ended relationships, whether you are the dumper or dumpee, or something in between.

Part of resilience (be the tennis ball, not the egg) is the understanding and truly believing that it is a transient situation.

There probably are some things to facilitate recovery, but nothing that will truly provide an instant cure. One thing that can be helpful, depending upon the severity, is some form of what I would call, for lack of a better word, distraction. Strive to keep your mind occupied with other matters. Kick out of wallowing and melancholy by doing something that requires thinking about something else and, specifically, is incompatible with talking and thinking about the situation. Whether it is a new project, a new exercise program/gym, helping someone else with something, treating yourself to a movie or buying a new toy that is particularly desirable, take a vacation that is both fun and changes your surroundings – that kind of thing.

If you are seeking a “do over” as a form of relief, I would ask that you consider what has changed. If you cannot answer that, then isn’t the “do over” a poor design? Sometimes people do reconcile and they can do so successfully, but it seems unlikely without some changes – yes?
 

Yaakov

Joined Jan 27, 2019
1,610
I know this is about as far from electronics as you can get. But I just want to share with my community.

I’m 65. Divorced after a 38 year marriage. I’ve been seeing someone for almost 2 years.

And I broke up with her tonight. It’s been almost 45 years since I’ve experienced this. I didn’t want to break up, but the relationship was becoming increasingly unhealthy for me.

I’ve had a few drinks after talking to her. The pain is real. We still love each other, but I can’t continue.

Anyone feel like being supportive?
What you did is very hard but it is very brave. You knew it would hurt, and you know you will miss her but you are taking care of yourself and in the end that's best for everyone, including her.

It's a chance, after the inevitable hurting, to start over the way you want and make things even better.
 

Thread Starter

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
5,826
I hate these kinds of posts. You are asking for support and you get advice.

For the support part…you seem like a decent guy to me and I am sorry that you are going through this. It will get better. Hang in there. Buck up. Buckle up. You are mentally strong and an intelligent guy and you can handle this.

For the advice part, well, I don’t have any real advice but I do, like everyone, have an opinion. I qualify it by stressing that I am not a clinician of any sort. I am just an old guy, like you, trying to figure things out.

If you really feel like you are falling apart or are contemplating an extreme action (I don’t think that you are, but I can’t tell by reading a forum post), seek professional help just as you would in any other case where something needs fixing. Even if you don’t feel it is a dire situation, there is no shame in seeking professional counseling.

I view emotional attachments (i.e., relationships) in the same way as other forms of dependence. It is not being cold-hearted; it is being, in my view, accurate.

Did you ever quit smoking, or drinking, or go on a strict diet? You likely felt periodic pangs or intrusive thoughts. Maybe they were so severe that they seemed to encompass your entire consciousness at times. It can be the same with ended relationships, whether you are the dumper or dumpee, or something in between.

Part of resilience (be the tennis ball, not the egg) is the understanding and truly believing that it is a transient situation.

There probably are some things to facilitate recovery, but nothing that will truly provide an instant cure. One thing that can be helpful, depending upon the severity, is some form of what I would call, for lack of a better word, distraction. Strive to keep your mind occupied with other matters. Kick out of wallowing and melancholy by doing something that requires thinking about something else and, specifically, is incompatible with talking and thinking about the situation. Whether it is a new project, a new exercise program/gym, helping someone else with something, treating yourself to a movie or buying a new toy that is particularly desirable, take a vacation that is both fun and changes your surroundings – that kind of thing.

If you are seeking a “do over” as a form of relief, I would ask that you consider what has changed. If you cannot answer that, then isn’t the “do over” a poor design? Sometimes people do reconcile and they can do so successfully, but it seems unlikely without some changes – yes?
Raymond, thanks for your reply. I have gotten much helpful support from my friends at AAC.

I am replying particularly to you, to reassure you that I am grieving, but in control of these emotions. I also have access to professional help if it needed.

I live by myself and family is kind of near. I reached out to y’all as my extended family. I am thankful for each and every response!
 

justtrying

Joined Mar 9, 2011
428
@bogosort Re: second guessing my decision... it’s only the second day and I’ve second guessed the decision several times. Your comments are helpful in that they confirm that my thoughts are normal and to be expected.

Thank you.
You will second guess it less and less as time goes by. It does get better. As was said already good on you for recognizing the relationship for what it was and doing it now instead of trying to "fix" something. The support I can offer is by sharing how I dealt with something similar - i hurt a lot, i got a dog and made sure I did all the things I liked that the person I was with prevented me from doing. It took a while, but it worked. Have had the dog for 5 years now, best thing to ever happen to me :)
 

Thread Starter

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
5,826
You will second guess it less and less as time goes by. It does get better. As was said already good on you for recognizing the relationship for what it was and doing it now instead of trying to "fix" something. The support I can offer is by sharing how I dealt with something similar - i hurt a lot, i got a dog and made sure I did all the things I liked that the person I was with prevented me from doing. It took a while, but it worked. Have had the dog for 5 years now, best thing to ever happen to me :)
Sorry @joeyd999 and justtrying, no dogs allowed in my apartment. A cat is my only choice. Or fish...
 
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