My sister lives on the same road as me, about 1/4 mile away. Her son (my nephew) is 8 years old and wild. He has no respect for authority or for the wellbeing of others. My sister's child rearing plan is pretty "hands off" if you know what I mean. She cares, and she's obviously embarrassed by his behavior; very apologetic every time he acts up. She badgers him into giving begrudging and insincere apologies any time he's done something particularly egregious, but stops short of ever actually doing anything about it. She's more of a "take your medicine and go to your room (please, honey)" type person.
I generally have a "mind your own business" policy about these types of things but it becomes my business when he physically abuses my kids and her response is to try to talk him into not doing anything like again for least a couple of hours. If it was just a family friend I would have cut ties or said exactly what was on my mind years ago. But it's my sister. It's delicate. I have been biting my tongue for years but that's been getting harder and harder to do. His behavior isn't getting better with age as she has been assuring me it will; "He's only 5 years old," "he's only 6 years old," "he's only 7 years old" ... it's just not cutting it any more and she's consulted a psychiatrist who gave her a whole new bag of excuses which she clutches very tightly. If anything, his behavior is getting worse, and he's getting bigger and able to inflict more serious damage on my girls.
I can't go on like this, pushing the anger down. I've gotten vocal with him a few times in past few months and I think she smells something brewing. I know her and I know how she will react as soon as I start to open up about it. She will get defensive and stick up for her kid. But I don't think she will expect what I have to say. I don't have a problem with her kid; I have a problem with her, and the way she's raising my nephew. I love my nephew and i don't want to see him end up in the criminal justice system, which is the direction she is leading him. As a parent, I can't think of a more offensive thing to hear someone say to me. How do you say something like that diplomatically? I've sat down to write those words several times now, and have several blank pages to show for it.
How would you handle this? Move away and just let your relationship with your sibling fizzle away to nothing? Continue to be silently resentful, killing the sibling bond slowly and painfully? Or write a letter saying exactly how you feel, when you know the repercussions will be nuclear? At least with the letter I could say I tried to salvage the relationship and I tried to reason with the only person capable of helping my poor nephew but she chose to ignore me and shun me. With the other options I would only ever feel regret that I never tried. I have to try. But how? How do you broach the subject? Seems impossible from here.
I generally have a "mind your own business" policy about these types of things but it becomes my business when he physically abuses my kids and her response is to try to talk him into not doing anything like again for least a couple of hours. If it was just a family friend I would have cut ties or said exactly what was on my mind years ago. But it's my sister. It's delicate. I have been biting my tongue for years but that's been getting harder and harder to do. His behavior isn't getting better with age as she has been assuring me it will; "He's only 5 years old," "he's only 6 years old," "he's only 7 years old" ... it's just not cutting it any more and she's consulted a psychiatrist who gave her a whole new bag of excuses which she clutches very tightly. If anything, his behavior is getting worse, and he's getting bigger and able to inflict more serious damage on my girls.
I can't go on like this, pushing the anger down. I've gotten vocal with him a few times in past few months and I think she smells something brewing. I know her and I know how she will react as soon as I start to open up about it. She will get defensive and stick up for her kid. But I don't think she will expect what I have to say. I don't have a problem with her kid; I have a problem with her, and the way she's raising my nephew. I love my nephew and i don't want to see him end up in the criminal justice system, which is the direction she is leading him. As a parent, I can't think of a more offensive thing to hear someone say to me. How do you say something like that diplomatically? I've sat down to write those words several times now, and have several blank pages to show for it.
How would you handle this? Move away and just let your relationship with your sibling fizzle away to nothing? Continue to be silently resentful, killing the sibling bond slowly and painfully? Or write a letter saying exactly how you feel, when you know the repercussions will be nuclear? At least with the letter I could say I tried to salvage the relationship and I tried to reason with the only person capable of helping my poor nephew but she chose to ignore me and shun me. With the other options I would only ever feel regret that I never tried. I have to try. But how? How do you broach the subject? Seems impossible from here.