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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Kinda reminds me of the "Turbo Encabulator"
Dammit. That was my idea. I have a prototype operating my Milford trenions right here in my shop. I'll sell photos if anyone is interested.
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
"Well,that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way,what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said,"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
"Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer.”
"Well now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?”
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!’
"Well,that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh by the way,what’s in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,661
Cultural Differences/ Almost True
--------------------------------------------
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly sched ule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
--------------------------------------------
On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded:
* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
* One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
* The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
* The two German men have a strict weekly sched ule of alternating visits with the German woman.
* The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.
* The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.
* The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
* The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
* The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their stores.
* The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.
* The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
An American attends a bull fight in Mexico. After the the event he decided to have dinner at a nearby restaurant. While eating his meal, he noticed an interesting dish being severed. Two very large meatballs. He inquired to the waiter about this interesting dish. The waiter explained it was the specialty of the house Cojones del Toro. The man said I think I will return tomorrow and have that dish for dinner. It looks delicious.
The man returned the next day. Not remembering the name of the dish, he just told the waiter to bring him two of those meatballs. Shortly the dish arrived at the table. The man was disappointed to see that they were not the big juicy meatballs he had seen the day before but two tiny shriveled up balls of meat. The man called over the waiter and demanded to know why he was not served the specialty of the house he had seen the day before. The waiter responded, "Ah so sorry senior, usually the bull loses, but sometimes he wins"!
The man returned the next day. Not remembering the name of the dish, he just told the waiter to bring him two of those meatballs. Shortly the dish arrived at the table. The man was disappointed to see that they were not the big juicy meatballs he had seen the day before but two tiny shriveled up balls of meat. The man called over the waiter and demanded to know why he was not served the specialty of the house he had seen the day before. The waiter responded, "Ah so sorry senior, usually the bull loses, but sometimes he wins"!
Last edited:
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,661
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,237
Breaking news: there was a break in at the prosthetics store by two unarmed men.
Did they leave armed?
djsfantasi
- Joined Apr 11, 2010
- 9,237
Yes, but they didn't have any ammunition.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'
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