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Really?
The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Guinness in each hand
Q: What is a rednecks last words?
A: "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
---
Beer doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
---
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
---
Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
---
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways
---
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A: A Guinness in each hand
Q: What is a rednecks last words?
A: "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS!"
---
Beer doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.
---
No! for the last time stop asking if i am drunk. I am not drunk! Who would name their kid drunk?
---
Anyone who says that beer is a depressant isn't drinking enough of it.
---
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'll probably get drunk and say them anyways
---
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road. Eventually a cop pulls him over.
"Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
25 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Women:
You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Hangovers go away
A beer label comes off without a fight
Beer is never late
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
Beer never gets a headache
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand equality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play baseball
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Hangovers go away
A beer label comes off without a fight
Beer is never late
Beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
Beer never gets a headache
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head
A beer always goes down easy
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know you're the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand equality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde...with a body that would stop traffic...rose slowly from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde...with a body that would stop traffic...rose slowly from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,659
I Mow My Own Yard. Lee Trevino: a true story....
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas,mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady swiftly put the car into gear and sped off.
One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas,mowing his front lawn, as he always did. A lady driving by in a big Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"
Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."
The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”
Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her."
The lady swiftly put the car into gear and sped off.
Not funny at all.
English to become official language of the EU *
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
Jokes aside, take a look at this!: http://abcnews.go.com/US/werewolf-cats-existand/story?id=34858560
Imagine: a cat that behaves a little like a dog....
Last edited:
Getting old, very amusing
https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0
https://www.youtube.com/embed/LR2qZ0A8vic?rel=0
Oh my... what the hell is that????
If you have to ask then you don't need one.
I like the opening line "It's hear!" ... but, bummer... my favorite pet is an aardvark and I can't get rid of it just to listen to this marvel...If you have to ask then you don't need one.
A preacher dies, and when he gets to Heaven, he sees a New York cab driver who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation."
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
---
The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed.
He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised."
She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him
"No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
---
/me thinks i'll
here...
The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?"
The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep."
The angel says, "Right. And when people rode in this guy's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!"
---
The English teacher's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed.
He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised."
She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him
"No. I am surprised. You are astonished."
---
/me thinks i'll
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