I was just really glad I woke up alive this morning!
http://www.theguardian.com/world/2015/oct/06/end-of-world-7-october-ebible-fellowship
Max.

Did you have to spoil my day? I thought I was in heaven...

 

 

... and then holding the tablets, Moses spoke to the (pick your group).. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I got Him down to 10." Cheering. "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them.."
Bada-bing.

I like Mel Brook's version, in which Moses says something like "I've brought you the fifteen..." and then he drops one of the 3 stone tablets he was was carrying, which breaks and shatters on the ground... and he continues "I mean, the ten commandments given by our Lord!"

 

I like Mel Brook's version, in which Moses says something like "I've brought you the fifteen..." and then he drops one of the 3 stone tablets he was was carrying, which breaks and shatters on the ground... and he continues "I mean, the ten commandments given by our Lord!"

 

Along those lines....

A Jew, speaking to God in the ancient times:

"Wait wait wait....You mean to tell me the Muslims get to keep Palestine and we're supposed to cut off the tips of our WHAT????!!!!!"

 

You are lucky you didn't reverse the religions or you might have been on a hit list (remember Salman Rushdie?)

 

 

Something to think about:


An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote , "A woman, without her man, is nothing." All the females in the class wrote , "A woman: without her, man is nothing ."Punctuation is everything .

 

I'm writing a book called "After Life In Hell" consisting of 100 humorous cartoons about deceased person's encounters with the Devil.
Some examples of the cartoons are:

No brainer orientation for new arrivals: "It's called Hell because it's hot as Hell".
"Hell On Earth" - Practical origin of the phrase".
"Cafeteria From Hell" - Practical origin of the phrase".
"I'm kinda begin'in to like it here" - A prime example why it's a good idea to check who might be listening nearby before making a smart alec comment.
"When the volcano blows, we all jump in the heat proof saucer, ride to the top and we're finally outa here". Another example why it's a good idea to check who might be listening.

I'm not much of an artist, so I need someone to draw the cartoons for me.

 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA
to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde,
tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the
window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the
game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and
if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again,
she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated,
says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I
don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the
blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment
unless she plays, agrees to the game.



The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse,
pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the
lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with
his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no
avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.



The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more
than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "well what's the answer?" Without a word the blonde
reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 

Men vs. Women 1. NAMES If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy. 2. EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a Twenty dollar bill, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs. A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale. 4. BATHROOMS A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. 5. ARGUMENTS A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. 6. CATS Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. 7. FUTURE A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 8. SUCCESS A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 9. MARRIAGE A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does. 10. DRESSING UP A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals. 11. NATURAL Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. 12. OFFSPRING Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist Appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house. 13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two People remembering the same thing.

 

 

I'm not much of an artist, so I need someone to draw the cartoons for me.

You should get some help writing the captions, too.

 

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other one , the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross. A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite." The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

 

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating - always use condiments. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired. In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

Winston Churchill loved araprosdokians, figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising.



1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list. 3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 5. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 6. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 7. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 9. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out, I just wanted paychecks. 10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put "DOCTOR."

 

In one place in the old wild west there were so many shotgun weddings that they renamed the local church Winchester Cathedral.

 

 

In one place in the old wild west there were so many shotgun weddings that they renamed the local church Winchester Cathedral.

You're breaking my heart.

 

A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada ....He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am from Pakistan '. The man goes on and encounters another passerby ... ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada. 'The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says .... 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada! That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'He finally sees a nice lady and asks ... 'Are you a Canadian ?'She says , 'No, I am from Africa'. Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ? 'The African lady checks her watch and says ....'Probably at work'