​

 

These might be funny to some of you...

http://www.eeweb.com/rtz/red-alert

 

I really like The Oatmeal at times. Here's a recent one.






Can't resist. Here's another for the cat owners around here.

 

 

Two amigos are having a few tequilas at a cantina, when one says to the other:

- Compadre... I feel bad because I slept with your wife... does that make us enemies now?
- No
- We're not enemies??? are we friends then???
- No
- So if we're not enemies or friends... what does that make us?
- Even, compadre... that makes us even...​

 

Beer & Colonoscopy

It was my first time visiting Dr Putz for a colonoscopy.
I went into his office for my first rectal exam.
His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room.
She told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see
me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.
After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down.
While waiting I observed there were three items on a stand next to the exam
table:
A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer
.
When Dr. Putz finally came in I said, "Look
Doc, I'm a little confused.
This is my first exam.
I know what the K-Y
is for,
And I know what the
glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER
is for?"

At that, Doctor Putz became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his new blonde nurse,

"Damn it, Evelyn !......... I said a BUTT LIGHT"

 

A dyslexic man walks into a bra....

 

That is so stupid but I can't stop chuckling.

 

That is so stupid but I can't stop chuckling.

Yeah... that's why I posted it... it's way beyond stupid... ha ha ha ....

 

- So, how old are you?
- Take a guess
- For your skin, I'd say 25; for your eyes, I'd say 20; and for your body, I'd say 18
- oooohhhh.... you sure know how to seduce a woman!
- Please be quiet... I'm adding things up...

 

Old technical theater saying:

If it moves and you don't want it too,
Use a bigger nail.
If it doesn't move and you want it too,
Use a bigger hammer.​

 

.

 

colon ??
Looks like a murder and a clean up.

 

This joke has been circulating in China after it's stock market meltdown:
"In May, the dog ate what I ate. In June, I ate what the dog ate. In July I ate the dog,"

 

Cheerleaders: What do we want?
Seniors: Better memory!
Cheerleaders: When do we want it?
Seniors: Want what?

 

This ol' boy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed.
"This is the pig I been sleeping with, Doreen"
"Pig!? I swear you ain't got the sense God give a gopher. That there's a sheep."
"Shut up, Doreen. I'm talking to the sheep."

Sorry

 

This ol' boy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is in bed.
"This is the pig I been sleeping with, Doreen"
"Pig!? I swear you ain't got the sense God give a gopher. That there's a sheep."
"Shut up, Doreen. I'm talking to the sheep."

Sorry

I think I heard about that from a door-to-door salesman. He was there the next day. A kid answered the door. When asked if his father was available, the kid said his dad was in the back 40 screwing the sheep. The surprised salesman asked, "doesn't that mess up their reproductive cycle?"
The kid said, "naaaaaaaa, naaaaaaa"


Edit: thanks for the gopher reference.

 

I stepped on a corn flake. I'm now a cereal killer.

 

I stepped on a corn flake. I'm now a cereal killer.

This last one should be put in a list that includes the one in post #1026

 

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.