A man walks into a bar.....Ouch!

 

 

Did you hear about the man who was cooled to absolute zero?


He's OK now.

 

Two atoms were walking across a road when one of them said, "I think I lost an electron!"
"Really!" the other replied, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm absolutely positive."

 

Pluto's dark side:​

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When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

 

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'

'Who is it?', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'

Wish there was a double-like button for that last one...

 

On his anniversary, this ol' boy is sitting down in the kitchen in the early morning, sipping coffee and staring out the window. His wife comes down the stairs and says "Hon, what are you thinkin' about?"
"Mmmm" he says, as a little tear runs down his face. "I was just thinkin' about the time you was sixteen and I was eighteen and your father caught us naked in the back seat of the Plymouth. You remember?"
"I sure do. He had that shotgun and said he'd give you a choice - marry me or he'd see you do 20 years for statutory.."
"That's it" he said, the tears flowing now.
"Awww honey," she said, "why those ol' tears now?"
"I just realized, I would have been released today!"

 

On his anniversary, this ol' boy is sitting down in the kitchen in the early morning, sipping coffee and staring out the window. His wife comes down the stairs and says "Hon, what are you thinkin' about?"
"Mmmm" he says, as a little tear runs down his face. "I was just thinkin' about the time you was sixteen and I was eighteen and your father caught us naked in the back seat of the Plymouth. You remember?"
"I sure do. He had that shotgun and said he'd give you a choice - marry me or he'd see you do 20 years for statutory.."
"That's it" he said, the tears flowing now.
"Awww honey," she said, "why those ol' tears now?"
"I just realized, I would have been released today!"

36 years old - apparently now qualifies you as an "ol' boy"

 

36 years old - apparently now qualifies you as an "ol' boy"

Actually, that'd be 38...

 

You guys are too funny.

 

 

A vending machine for men:

 

A vending machine for men:

View attachment 88930

Wow... is that thing for real?.... only the beer and nuts are missing!

 

Wow... is that thing for real?.... only the beer and nuts are missing!

He said vending machine FOR MEN... The beer was in all of those empty sections and they assume you already have nuts.

 

He said vending machine FOR MEN... The beer was in all of those empty sections and they assume you already have nuts.

Ahhhh... now I understand the beer issue with that picture... but as for the nuts...

 

 

Did you know that during the Second World War all British government communications with the French Resistance were sent OHMS? (On His Majesty's Service)