A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'

 

Ole, the Norwegian wrestler, and a Russian, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished." Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.
All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match.
The crowd went crazy.

The coach was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "My God woman! I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband, that's against the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in
jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture & said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

 

I was going to pass that along to a Marine friend until I found that it really is just a joke. Still funny, just not quite true.

 

I was going to pass that along to a Marine friend until I found that it really is just a joke. Still funny, just not quite true.

I didn't know that it was just a joke... and didn't check to confirm either... but it's always good to know the truth about things, thanks!

 

I was going to pass that along to a Marine friend until I found that it really is just a joke. Still funny, just not quite true.

The pixelation of the newsprint made me suspicious but, since I wanted it to be true, I didn't bother looking. Thanks Wayne, the Snopes story pointed out the true conclusion that was better than a marine beat-down...

Cpl. Duggan's attacker, Tracey Attaway, was jailed and charged with armed robbery, aggravated assault and possession of a knife in the commission of a crime, and in October 2011 he was sentenced to life in prison. (Attaway faced the maximum sentence on all assault and theft charges because he was a convicted felon with 30 prior arrests on his record.)
​

 

. Answers to tests:













​

 

Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb. "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton This ritual between Bill & the hooker continued for days.
He would run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he would yell back, "Five dollars!"
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!
As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer & Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker!
Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past. Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled . . . "See what you get for five bucks!"

 

​

 

 

View attachment 85716

And that was a rented tux.

 

Philosophers of Last Century

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land.
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

~ David Letterman...
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.

~ Howard Hughes...
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I'm a billionaire.

~ Old Italian proverb...
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Betsy Salkind...
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Jean Kerr...
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor...
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Jeff Foxworthy...
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Prince Philip...
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Emo Philips...
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Harrison Ford...
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Robin Hall...
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke.

~ Jean Rostand...
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ WH Auden...
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ Jonathan Katz...
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Johnny Carson...
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

~ Warren Tantum...
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.

~ Steve Martin...
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Jimmy Durante...
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Doug Hanwell...
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ George Roberts...
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ Jonathan Winters...
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Robert Benchley...
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

 

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.

 

Hello,

See how americans try dutch sweets:

Bertus

 

Serious question:

Does anyone know what nostrils smell like?

 

Smells like snot.

 

Smells like snot.

Which smells like...what?

 

Which smells like...what?

I'm grossing out down here...

 

I challenged my high school chemistry teacher when he stated that oxygen and nitrogen are odorless.
I think I won that debate.