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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
No, the kitty ear warmer is self powered.
In your photo, only the cougar is self powered.
Agreed. Do you know how hard it is to find a reasonable photo of an actual cougar wearing kitty earmuffs? Try it. You'll see what I mean.
When parents are discussing 16 year old girls taking younger boys to the prom as being cougars ... why can't you find one wearing kitty earmuffs.
http://www.thewire.com/national/2012/05/can-16-year-old-girl-be-cougar-asks-new-york-times/52848/
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/27/f...re-respectful-high-school-girls-say.html?_r=0
http://www.thewire.com/national/2012/05/can-16-year-old-girl-be-cougar-asks-new-york-times/52848/
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/27/f...re-respectful-high-school-girls-say.html?_r=0
Twenty six years ago I went of an Officer's in Charge conference. Four of us went and toured the local beverage establishments. In one, one of my counter-parts asked if he was getting old or were the women in here looking to be teenagers. Well, we were in a college town but the drinking age was reported to be 21. I told him we was getting old. 
There was a time when I could guess a woman's age within 1 year.
There was a time when I could guess a woman's age within 1 year.
answering machine messages
• Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?
• Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call you sooner.
• Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.
• This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.
• Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.
• Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now but, if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.
---
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.
• Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial institution, you didn’t lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don’t worry – I have plenty of money.
• Hi, I’m not home right now, but my answering machine is. So, can you talk to it instead?
• Hi, I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call you sooner.
• Hi! Tom’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need double glazing and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they’ll get back to you.
• This is not an answering machine. This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, think about your number, and think about your reason for calling. Then I’ll think about returning your call.
• Hi. I’m probably home. I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message and, if I don’t call you back, it’s you.
• Hi, this is George. I’m sorry that I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call back.
• Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and used by us.
• My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now but, if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• Hello, you’ve reached Jim and Sonya. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down and I like doing it left to right slowly. So leave a message and, when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.
---
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.
sign on the wall - 'Watch for Children' - sounds like a fair trade
---
whiteboards - they're remarkable!
---
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said, "Yes, I am!"
The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
---
you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water
if it sinks, girl ant
if it floats, boy ant
---
and we all know velcro, what a rip off
---
whiteboards - they're remarkable!
---
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"
Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself."
She said, "Yes, I am!"
The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"
She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
---
you can tell the sex of an ant by dropping it into a jug of water
if it sinks, girl ant
if it floats, boy ant
---
and we all know velcro, what a rip off
An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be..." says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son... while I get my hat!"
The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"
The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."
The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."
A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.
"Well, I'll be..." says the old timer scratching his head.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"
The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."
A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."
The old man cannot believe his eyes.
The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.
The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"
The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."
The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son... while I get my hat!"
MaxHeadRoom
- Joined Jul 18, 2013
- 30,665
No joke but entertaining
Max.
a mexican, big louie was in jail, he was accused of murdering a woman outside the local cemetery <lack of full stop because of line separation>
while he was in jail, he got a visit from the defence attorney
'ok big louie, in your own words, tell me exactly what happened'
big louie replied 'well you see it was like this, i was just casually sitting outside the cemetery peeling an apple with my knife'
'yes, go on' said the defence attorney
big louie said 'then all of a sudden, a LOCO, MAD, CRAZY WOMAN, came running down the street towards me and RAN into my knife!
the defence attorney asked him '27 times?'
while he was in jail, he got a visit from the defence attorney
'ok big louie, in your own words, tell me exactly what happened'
big louie replied 'well you see it was like this, i was just casually sitting outside the cemetery peeling an apple with my knife'
'yes, go on' said the defence attorney
big louie said 'then all of a sudden, a LOCO, MAD, CRAZY WOMAN, came running down the street towards me and RAN into my knife!
the defence attorney asked him '27 times?'
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