a blind man walks into a bar

and a table

and a chair.

that'll teach me for not reading all of the jokes thread...

couple quickies

two fish are in a tank. one turns to the other and asks 'how do you drive this thing?'

went to the doctors yesterday to get a vasectomy. he said with a face like mine I don’t need one.

started the new ‘wine diet’ last week… it’s amazing! i’ve lost 3 days already!

 

Sign outside restaurant:

Eat now
Pay waiter

 

Two antennas fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.

Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other,"Does this taste funny to you?"

Two fish swim into a wall. One says to the other,"DAM!"

Two Eskimos were sitting in a kayak and got cold. They lite a fire in the craft and it sank. This proves that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

 

redneck

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favourite sex positions.
One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?"
So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".

equality

What's the difference between a woman's argument and a knife?
The knife has a point.

birds and bees

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

smoke alarm

Everything in product development these days is about connectivity. One company just came out with a new silent smoke alarm. When it detects smoke it sends you a text, tweets your friends, and posts a picture of the fire on facebook.

interpretation

wife asks programmer husband - 'please to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen.' programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

comparison

whats the difference between red and blue? the grip.

more equality (some guys gonna hate me for this)

q - how do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? a - it’s not hard.

q - what do you call a married man vacuuming? a - doing what he's told...

q - what’s the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? a - a guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

for you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.

men are not like dogs. they're not nearly as easy to train.

lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed?
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

and don't forget

never trust an atom. they make up everything.

 

We need a "groan" button

 

Did you hear about the extroverted engineer? He looks you your feet when he talkes to you.

What does an engineer use for birth control? His personality.

What is the difference between a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer? The mechanical engineer makes weapons, and the civil engineer makes targets.

 

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he he had a penis like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?"

The girl said: "You told me you had a penis like a baby!"

The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

 

 

Hello,

Here I found some fun on forum use on ESP:
http://sound.westhost.com/bulletinboards.htm

Bertus

 

 

Well, that's only fail by context. The swastika was used as a symbol by many eastern religions in the (slightly) distant past, before it became more popular as the emblem of the Nazi party.

 

I is still used by eastern religions. They just try to keep it out of the sight of westerners because of the 'they all look alike' mentality of the west. Check Wikipedia for details and examples of the confusion. Even Nintendo collector cards had to be changed. A nazi swastika is clearly different. 45-degree turn and the legs 'rotate' the opposite direction.

 

It was also a design "motif" in some native American cultures.

 

Swastika - Wikipedia

 

They just try to keep it out of the sight of westerners because of the 'they all look alike' mentality of the west.

Those who are culturally ignorant don't ask questions about such things. Sure it might "look like", but until the question is asked, they retreat to what is their "norm."

It's like stating someone is gay. The English language has multiple definitions of words and it depends on the context is firmly planted in the use, and the tonal inflection of the spoken word. The written word has no inflection, and the inflection is the readers mind and their ability to comprehend the language.

 

The "swastika" in Eastern religions means "peace", if memory serves. The Nazi Swastika, which is rotated 45 degrees, is entirely different.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was June 30 , 1934, the Night of the Long Knives, and Poland was on the other side of the road. This is the "Joke Tread" you know.

 

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was June 30 , 1934, the Night of the Long Knives, and Poland was on the other side of the road. This is the "Joke Tread" you know.

Thanks for getting us back on the off-topic topic.

 

ATTENTION AAC MEMBERS!!!!
I challenge everyone to a "Stupid One Liner" Joke contest. Everyone has their favorite one liner. Lets hear it!! The stupider the better!!

I'll start things off with:

What did the elephant say when he saw his first naked man? How can you breath through that thing????

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil

What happened when Milli Watt and Eddy Current got together? They fluxed all night.