Hello,

The modern version of "home sweet home" will be:
Home is where wifi automaticaly connects.

Bertus

 

That also includes my friends house. Hmmm.

 

Then, the public library is home... Oh wait!

 

Nooooo.... Starbucks is NOT my home. They got lousy beds.

 

Mmmm mmm mmm Starbucks!

 

Hello,

Do you also sometimes feel like this:

Bertus

 

Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

 

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"

He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"

Northern ConservativeBaptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

 

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump...

More true than I would have believed a few years ago. A neighbor makes four mission trips per year to help people around the world with hopes of them eventually seeing the light and joining his faith. The same guy won't talk to his son because his son married into another version of Christianity.

 

 

 

Hello,

Do you know clippy, the old help in windows?
Here is a joke with it:

Bertus

 

I found this to somewhat relevant

http://imgur.com/gallery/9iHvHiq

 

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied, “Before you tell me I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

‘Triple filter?” asked the acquaintance.

“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “Before you talk to me about Diogenes let’s take a moment to filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “Actually I just heard about it.”

“All right,” said Socrates, “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?”

“No, on the contrary…”

“So,” Socrates continued, “You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you’re not certain it’s true?”

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, “You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?”

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

 

 

husband sitting in front of the tv watching a sports program, beer in hand.

his wife comes up and him and says ' honey, can put out the trash? '

husband replies ' sorry dear, you put it out... you cooked it'

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient, gets the word that he has to return home.

He then realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary, pleased with the response, walks a little farther and pointing to a rock, says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief grunts, "Rock."

The missionary starts getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears some rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy activity. The missionary , really flustered, quickly says, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

Tersely, the chief replies, "My bike."

 

husband sitting in front of the tv watching a sports program, beer in hand.

his wife comes up and him and says ' honey, can put out the trash? '

husband replies ' sorry dear, you put it out... you cooked it'

I assume he is wearing it now?
Max.

 

A parrot went into a supermarket and asked the clerk at the counter, ‘Do you have any chillies?’.

The clerk replied: No. The parrot smiled and flew away.

A few hours later, the parrot came back & asked ’Do you have any chillies?’

The clerk replied, Sorry! I already told you few hours back, we don’t have any chillies’. The parrot smiled and once again flew away.

Ten minutes later, the parrot again came back & asked once again ’Do you have any chillies?’

The irate clerk shouted’ No! We do not have any and we're not going to have any and if you come back again, we are going to nail your to the wall’. The parrot smiled and flew away.

In the evening, the parrot returned and asked ‘Do you have any nails?' The clerk said ‘NO!’

The parrot replied ‘Good!! Do you have any chillies?’

 

A man came home and found his wife sitting in their car in the living room. "Darling, how did you get the car in the living room", he cried! She claimly looked up at his and said," Dear, I took a left through the kitchen."

Henny Youngman