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The Jokes thread
- Thread starter R!f@@
- Start date
nerdegutta
- Joined Dec 15, 2009
- 2,689
Attachments
justtrying
- Joined Mar 9, 2011
- 439
because I always have an extra screw after putting something back together...
panic mode
- Joined Oct 10, 2011
- 4,985
MAINE COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at MacDonald's
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in
case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards
that plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry
falls on the ground-better luck next week
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at MacDonald's
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in
case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards
that plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry
falls on the ground-better luck next week
maxpower097
- Joined Feb 20, 2009
- 816
How spiny and clawless!
Lets go get some bayscallops this year loosie. I can probably get a boat or we'll rent a lil 13ft'er to snorkle for em. I could sure use a freezer full!
Lets go get some bayscallops this year loosie. I can probably get a boat or we'll rent a lil 13ft'er to snorkle for em. I could sure use a freezer full!
I thought this was an April Fools Joke, I was watching the Gadget Show a couple of days ago and they were scanning socks with RFID tags to match them up. Apparently it's real though:
http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-57518012-1/do-rfid-socks-tell-us-were-pathetic/
All my socks are the same which saves me the bother.
http://news.cnet.com/8301-17938_105-57518012-1/do-rfid-socks-tell-us-were-pathetic/
All my socks are the same which saves me the bother.
panic mode
- Joined Oct 10, 2011
- 4,985
is that an invitation? i'll take it ;-)
Sinead, a recently widowed colleen is being consoled by the local priest. Priest, "dear how are you holding up?, Sinead "fine Father fine" Priest "Can we be of any service?" "No Father thank you." "What will you be doin? "I haven't decided yet, I may travel" . Priest, "tell me dear, did Liam make his peace with the Lord?" "Yes Father he did." Priest "may I ask what his final words were?" Sinead "yes Father you may" Priest, "What were they?" Sinead "Sinead, for the love of God, put down the damn gun"
SplitInfinity
- Joined Mar 3, 2013
- 423
Fozzy Bear is on stage and say's...I am so good at making and telling jokes that I will make up a joke about anything or word the first people in this crowd shout out to me!
The two old Grumpy Bastards in the Balcony yell to Fozzy Bear...Oh Yeah? Well how about AMOEBA!!??
Fozzy...frowns as this seems a tough word and deciedes to ignore the two old guy's and say's...No really...ANY word! Just shout one out!
The two grumpy guy's yell out...AMOEBA!!! AMOEBA!!! Then the crowd starts chanting...AMOEBA! AMOEBA! AMOEBA!!! Fozzy Bear can't ignore this and he starts to get nervous and loosens his tie like Rodney Dangerfield. He say's...OK...uhhh...Amoeba? OK...AMOEBA!
The two Grumpy Bastards start heckeling Fozzy Bear and shout out...You can't do it! You can't do it!...in a sing song sarchastic way. Fozzy Bear yells to them...OK..OK!!! I will do it!..uhhhh...Amoeba!??...OK...here we go. Fozzy starts telling his joke.
He say's...OK! Two Amoeba's are walking down the street. One Amoeba asks the other Amoeba...Hey! Is that the Sun or the Moon rising?
The other Amoeba say's...I don't know...I don't live around here!
Brrrump...pump...crash!
FOZZZEEE...BEAR!
Split Infinity
The two old Grumpy Bastards in the Balcony yell to Fozzy Bear...Oh Yeah? Well how about AMOEBA!!??
Fozzy...frowns as this seems a tough word and deciedes to ignore the two old guy's and say's...No really...ANY word! Just shout one out!
The two grumpy guy's yell out...AMOEBA!!! AMOEBA!!! Then the crowd starts chanting...AMOEBA! AMOEBA! AMOEBA!!! Fozzy Bear can't ignore this and he starts to get nervous and loosens his tie like Rodney Dangerfield. He say's...OK...uhhh...Amoeba? OK...AMOEBA!
The two Grumpy Bastards start heckeling Fozzy Bear and shout out...You can't do it! You can't do it!...in a sing song sarchastic way. Fozzy Bear yells to them...OK..OK!!! I will do it!..uhhhh...Amoeba!??...OK...here we go. Fozzy starts telling his joke.
He say's...OK! Two Amoeba's are walking down the street. One Amoeba asks the other Amoeba...Hey! Is that the Sun or the Moon rising?
The other Amoeba say's...I don't know...I don't live around here!
Brrrump...pump...crash!
FOZZZEEE...BEAR!
Split Infinity
..........I don't get it?
SplitInfinity
- Joined Mar 3, 2013
- 423
Hey...it was the Muppet Show. What can I say? LOL!
Split Infinity
Split Infinity
The only possibility I see is this: Substitute "guy" for "amoeba" in the joke.
He says...OK! Two guys are walking down the street. One guy asks the other guy...Hey! Is that the Sun or the Moon rising?
The other guy says...I don't know...I don't live around here!
Of course, if that's the joke, it could have been two chickens, or two wombats, or...
SplitInfinity
- Joined Mar 3, 2013
- 423
Of course your right. I can't believe Stromy didn't pick up on the sheer stupidity of this joke....as it is stupid...but there in lies the fun!The only possibility I see is this: Substitute "guy" for "amoeba" in the joke.
He says...OK! Two guys are walking down the street. One guy asks the other guy...Hey! Is that the Sun or the Moon rising?
The other guy says...I don't know...I don't live around here!
Of course, if that's the joke, it could have been two chickens, or two wombats, or...
Split Infinity
I shamelessly stole this from another forum.
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
“Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“View recede ten”, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready -”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not -”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. “Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don’t forget your batteries.
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks “Have you got the time?”
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to six,” he says.
“Hey, that’s a pretty fancy watch!” exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.
“Yeah, it’s not bad. Check this out” – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says “The time is eleven ’til six” in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues “I’ve put in regional accents for each city”. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. “That’s not all”, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. “The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning,” explains Jake.
“View recede ten”, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
“I want to buy this watch!” says the stranger.
“Oh, no, it’s not ready for sale yet; I’m still working out the bugs”, says the inventor.
“But look at this”, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, “though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far” says Jake.
“I’ve got to have this watch!”, says the stranger.
“No, you don’t understand; it’s not ready -”
“I’ll give you $1000 for it!”
“Oh, no, I’ve already spent more than -”
“I’ll give you $5000 for it!”
“But it’s just not -”
“I’ll give you $15,000 for it!” And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He’s only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. “Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it.”
Jake abruptly makes his decision. “OK”, he says, and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. “Hey, wait a minute”, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he’d been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don’t forget your batteries.
SplitInfinity
- Joined Mar 3, 2013
- 423
Ahhh...New York...the only city in the World where when it rains...it makes it's own GRAVY!
Split Infinity
Split Infinity
SplitInfinity
- Joined Mar 3, 2013
- 423
This following story is TRUE...but it is as funny as any joke.
I was in Amherst Mass. at a Bar with my Bass Player playing pool. Amherst is a very big Ivy Leage College town and Smith is there.
Two good looking ladies were playing pool on the adjacent table and my Bass player had a few too many in him. I was watching the girls and although neither were Butch...I could tell they were obviously a couple.
Joe kept trying to flirt with them and I took him aside and told him..."There is NOTHING you have that those two girls want!" Still...he persisted and got them to play doubles with guy's against girls.
As one of the ladies was bending over to take a shot...my Bass player sniffed her neck and said to her..."Mmmm...you smell good! What are you wearing?"
Her reply..."Old Spice for MEN!"
Split Infinity
I was in Amherst Mass. at a Bar with my Bass Player playing pool. Amherst is a very big Ivy Leage College town and Smith is there.
Two good looking ladies were playing pool on the adjacent table and my Bass player had a few too many in him. I was watching the girls and although neither were Butch...I could tell they were obviously a couple.
Joe kept trying to flirt with them and I took him aside and told him..."There is NOTHING you have that those two girls want!" Still...he persisted and got them to play doubles with guy's against girls.
As one of the ladies was bending over to take a shot...my Bass player sniffed her neck and said to her..."Mmmm...you smell good! What are you wearing?"
Her reply..."Old Spice for MEN!"
Split Infinity
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