@ Whiz....is Mathematics,your bother In - law
not sure what you mean buy that. but think talking about me. to my knowledge i'm related to no other person on this forum.

 

I like reading the jokes thread, so here's one that I found carved into the desk I sat at for Control Systems that I thought was hilarious....

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?




A: A stick

 

A panda goes into a restaurant, orders a meal, eats it, but when the waiter brings the bill, pulls out a gun, fires it into the air and rushes out of the building.

The manager cannot understand this behaviour, so looks up "panda" in the encyclopedia.

There he finds this: A panda eats shoots and leaves.

 

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

Carved in the side of a secretaries desk (made in Miami last night)

 

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are NOT that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?
Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

Heard that one many years ago

 

 

A guy rescues a sad Parrot from the Pet Store, get's it home only to find out it will only say bad words. Especially against women.

After preparing the food, suddenly his date is at his door. Not knowing what to do, he stuffs the Parrot in the Fridge. Inside the fridge next him is a skinned dead chicken.

After she's gone, he remembers Oh! the Parrot and runs and pulls him out to the kitchen table.

Freezing cold on he Table. The man say's to the Parrot now are you going to stop saying bad words or am I going to have to take you back to the pet store.

The Parrot looked back at the man and said sure.

But, first I gotta know? What did the chicken do?

 

Three sons decide to do something special for their nearly-blind elderly mother for her 90th birthday. The first son buys her a huge, beautiful house. The second son buys her a gorgeous, shiny, candy-apple red Cadillac, and the third son buys her a very talented parrot, who knows the entire bible forwards and backwards.

The elderly mother decides to send each of her sons thank-you notes for their wonderful gifts. To the first one, she writes, "Thank you very much for the beautiful house you bought me. I will always cherish it". To the second son she wrote "Thank you very much for the beautiful car you bought me. I will always cherish it". To the third son, she writes, "Thank you so much for your gift. Out of all the gifts you boys gave me, yours was the very best! At my age, it would be very difficult for me to keep up with the cleaning of such a huge house. And because of my eyes, owning a car would be somewhat pointless because I can't drive it. But you thought of everything, and your gift was the most thoughtful. Thank you very much! And by the way, the chicken was delicious!"

 

A man went into a bank and asked the clerk if he could withdraw some money.
"Can you identify yourself," said the clerk.
The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a mirror, looked into it, and said,
"Yes, that's definitely me."

 

A spy is sent on a secret mission to find "Jones", an agent in a remote village in Wales.
He is told that the codephrase is "River 7 is frozen over."
On arrival in this tiny village, he asks a passer-by whether anyone called Jones lives there.
The man replies, "well there's Jones the newsagent, Jones the greengrocer, Jones the schoolmaster, Jones the post office, and as a matter of fact my name's Jones as well."
The spy has a burst of hope........ perhaps this is his connection?
He whispers "River 7 is frozen over."
"Oh you want Jones the spy, he lives in that house across the road."

 

A woman in a traffic jam got bored waiting, put the radio on, and then start knitting.
The traffic cleared but her car remained in the middle of the road.
A policeman stopped and banged on her window, and she rolled it down.
"Pull over," he snapped.
"No, scarf."

 

The latest xkcd:

How fitting...

 

q: whats the difference between marmalade and jam?

a: I cant marmalade it up your ass...

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his pack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,

"Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, ? Who do you think you are?"

The bird replied, Moses

Moses, the burglar laughed. "Who named a bird Moses?"

The Bird replied "Who named a Rotweiler Jesus?"

 

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as she attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the woman is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement.

He did not identify the woman, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are three sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of maths instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 

Thankfully, being knowledgeable isn't a crime... yet.

As a side note, in case someone thinks of AAC (and the internet) as a source of unquestionable knowledge, there never was a mathematician named Isosceles. And probably no man in general.

 

Maybe he was just an inventor and created that famous triangle...

Was Escalene his sister?

 

Only if they were competing for the Silliest Name Award. It's kinda funny, knowing what the words mean.

 

Thankfully, being knowledgeable isn't a crime... yet.

As a side note, in case someone thinks of AAC (and the internet) as a source of unquestionable knowledge, there never was a mathematician named Isosceles. And probably no man in general.

I did a little Googling.

The word is of Greek origin, coming from isos, meaning equal, and
skelos, meaning leg.

I found this here.