Engineers and Managers.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be in management."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

 

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day.

"What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two,

that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

 

A Biology student was doing his experiment in the lab.

He was given a bug.... After cutting 2 legs off the bug, he commanded straight to the bug "JUMP!"......

And the bug jumped!

He then cut another 2 legs from the bug and repeat what he did......

And the bug jumped again!

He then cut another 2 more legs from the bug and shouted "JUMP!"....

But this time the bug, without any legs, didnt jump..

So, the boy recorded in his Note Book.....

"After cutting 6 legs from the bug, it becomes deaf."

Allen

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season", Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven".

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"


The paddy replied, "These are Carols".

 

I found this, on one of my searches...

We all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds. - Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam Linux Symposium

 

Amused me:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stub_(distributed_computing)

 

I've told this before, on my Christmas thread, but here goes.

----------------------------------------------------------

On Christmas Eve a tired engineer realized to his dismay he had forgotten to get his wife a Christmas gift.

He frantically scanned the stores, and saw a pet store that hadn't closed its doors yet.

He went in and explained his predicament. The clerk thought about it for a minute, and explained they had pretty much been cleared out, except for a little parakeet named Chet. "I don't know why he hasn't sold", the clerk explained, "He does some nice Christmas tricks".

The engineer expressed interest, so the clerk took him to a little bird in his cage. He lite a match, and held it well under his left foot.

Chet burst into song, "Silent Night! Holy Night!" and sang the whole song through.

Then the clerk lite another match, and held it well under his right foot.

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the Way!", and sang it all the way through.

The customer was very pleased, and bought Chet and all the accessories he needed.

Later, his happy wife and man were laying in front of the fire drinking their egg nogg looking up at their new pet, and his wife asked, "What happens if you hold the match between his legs?"

"I don't know", the engineer said, and tried the experiment forthwith.

Silence.

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.

 

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time.

Excellent! He did what he was told.

 

The man must be a computer programmer.

 

The man must be a computer programmer.

I had a co-worker that when if a wait person asked "Do you want coffee or tea" she should simply answer "yes".

She would also go crazy if someone used the phrase "exactly the same".

By definition something that ids the same must be exact.

 

A man walked into a small shop off of a back street in San Francisco. On the shelves was a large silver rat for only $10. The silver value alone was worth far more then that so the man purchased the item. The funny looking man behind the counter said "you may now want to purchase the story of this rat, it is $500".

The man said no I will just take the rat. The man walked out of the shop a a rat started to follow. He shrugged it off. Then there were two, then three, then dozens, shortly there where hundreds of rats chasing the man. The man raced toward the water. He flung the statue into the bay and all of the rats followed. Drowning in the bay.

The man went back to the store. The funny looking man behind the counter said "I see you are back for the story, well the price is now $1000". The man said "Forget the story, please tell me you have a silver lawyer statue".

 

So that man really hates lawyers....

Allen

 

LED Zepplin

 

 

Management.



A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.


A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"



The crow answered: "Sure, why not."



So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.




Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

 

Medical School Entrance Exam

A frustrated doctor tells me that when he was young he took an
entrance exam for medical school. The exam included several questions
that would determine eligibility.

One of the questions was: "Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell an
important part of the human body that is more useful when erect."

Those who spelled "SPINE" became doctors... The rest ended up in Congress.

 

what do you use to catch the etherrbunny? an Ethernet what else.
a DHCP discover packet stands on the street corner says hello hello hello.
an I.pV6 walks into a bar nobody talks to him.
a packet with a TTL of 0 enters the bar asks for a beer waiter says ok, but you can't leave.
I have a TCP joke and I know you'll get it. I have a UDP joke, but don't know if you'll get it.
resistance is futile if ohms <1
A multicast packet walks into a bar and leaves by four different exits at the same time
Dhcp pkt stands on a dark street and shouts “does anyone have a beer!?” A bartender of a nearby bar says “sure come on in, lets see the menu. You can have this beer. Patron says “can I have this beer?” Bartender “Aye. But I will need the glass back..er unless you still want it!
DNS is the root of all problems
A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar. Bartender says: “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A dhcp packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says , “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!”
an IPv4 packet walks on a bar and orders a CIDR and says “I’m exhausted”
a broadcast walk into the bar, everyone stops what they are doing to look
“A UDP packet walks into a bar. The bartender doesn’t acknowledge him
there's a network rack in a break room, one guy says I brought spaghetti today, another says I think we already have enough hanging all over that rack.
a user calls the helpdesk says the computer isn't seeing my printer I even moved it to in front of it so it would see it.
user calls "my computer won't turn on" tech "is it pluged in?" user"i think so" tech "can you check?" user "no the lights are out" tech" can you turn them on?" user" no the powers out."
a SQL statement walks into a bar sees 3 tables asks can I join you?

A big party is being held to honor relational database systems and their impact on modern society. Outside the venue, the host awaits the guests.
The first limousine arrives and out steps Oracle followed by 4 people.
Host: Who have you brought along?
Oracle: I have 4 DBA’s in tow. One to install me, one to design the databases, one to administer me, and the other to justify the cost.
A second limo arrives and out steps DB2 followed by 40 people.
Host: Who have you bought along?
DB2: I have 2 DBA’s, 2 hardware specialists, and 36 consultants.
A third limo arrives and out steps SQL Server all on his own.
Host: Why haven’t you brought anyone?
SQL Server: I didn’t bring anyone because I am easy to install and am basically self managing. But I did bring the #sqlhelp Twitter hashtag for when the excrement hits the fan.
20 minutes later, up rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess.
Host: Where have you been MySQL?
MySQL: Sorry, I thought it was February 31st.

 

Man with a gun storms into a bank, forces everyone on the floor and a bank teller to dump all money into a bag. Then he lifts gun to clerk's head and asks:
"Did you see anything?"
The frightened and confused clerk nodes and the robber shoots him.
Then the robber turns to customers on the floor and repeats the question.
Man:
"I didn't see anything but my wife saw it all..."

 

@ Whiz....is Mathematics,your bother In - law