Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.

 

My wife said I have two major faults:
I don't listen
And something else.

Last night I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chap stick
She still hasn't talked to me.

 

"I'll take jokes that write themselves for $1000, Alex."

https://apnews.com/article/oddities-new-york-city-albany-queens-79ed703a16f495175f585ebea1c0f5ac
Man charged with smuggling pythons in his pants at US border

 

"I'll take jokes that write themselves for $1000, Alex."

https://apnews.com/article/oddities-new-york-city-albany-queens-79ed703a16f495175f585ebea1c0f5ac
Man charged with smuggling pythons in his pants at US border

I've been similarly accused.

 

Every time a Taco Bell rings, an angel gets diarrhea.

 

 

 

 

View attachment 277934

How would you know that they won't be there?

 

View attachment 277934

I would, in spirit.

 

Nice side gig from being a firefighter.

 

If 666 is all evil
then
25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

 

If 65,454,957 people got married last year
I don't want to start any problems
But I feel like that should be an even number.

 

I went to a book store yesterday
And saw a book that said
"How to solve 50% of your problems"
So I bought two.

 

Whomever stole a copy of my Microsoft Office
I will find you.
You have my Word

 

Two weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair
I've heard nothing since

 

I'm really excited for my Autopsy Club meeting
Tuesday's "Open Mike night".

 

One day a boy asks his dad "What's between mom's legs?"
He replies "It's the door to heaven."
The boy asks "So what's between yours?"
He replies "The key to the door."
The boy replied "I think you should change the lock because the neighbor has a spare key."

 

 

View attachment 278115

that's what I call a DDD= doubly deadly device ...