On a side note... The seat belt on a 69 Camaro was an excellent bottle opener...

 

My wife told me to take out the spider instead of killing it.
So I did.
We had a few drinks, pretty nice guy.
He's a web developer.

 

Desperate times call for desperate measures in Russia.

 

Q: Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Spoiler

A: Because it’s in its ground state.

 

Q: Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Spoiler

A: Because it’s in its ground state.

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Q: Why does a burger have less energy than a steak?

Spoiler

A: Because it’s in its ground state.

I liked it.

 

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A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair". The girl smiled.
At dinner she told her sister "My monkey has grown hair".
Her sister smiled and said "That's nothing. Mine is already eating bananas".

 

A young man bought a horse from a farmer for $2,000.
The farmer agrees and said: "I'll drop it off tomorrow."
The next day the farmer shows up and says"
"Sorry son, I have some bad news; the horse died."
The young man replied: "Just give me my money back."
The farmer said "I can't. I already spent it."
"Ok," the man replied "just bring me the dead horse."
The farmer said "Why? What are you going to do with him?"
The man replied: "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer laughs at him and says: "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"
The man said "Sure I can. I just won't tell them the horse is dead."

A week later the farmer sees the young man in town and asks him: "What happened to the horse? Did you raffle him off?"
The man said "Sure I did. I sold 500 tickets for $50 a piece and made $25,000."
The farmer was shocked and says "Did anyone complain?"
The man replied "Just the guy who won. I gave him his money back."

 

I asked my date to meet me at the gym.
She never showed up.
That's when I knew we weren't going to work out.

 

A man knocked at my door today
asking for donations for the local swimming pool.
So I gave him a glass of water.

 

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Had a tarantula spider similar to the one below come into my kitchen. The hind ball was as big as a handball. My wife saw it, screamed, jumped up on the chair in the kitchen, jumped up on the table, still screaming, still jumping up when there was nothing to climb up on and she was still going.

KILL IT! KILL IT! she screamed. I wasn't going to smash that big huge colossal spider in my kitchen. Would have made a huge mess, one that even Bounty could not pick up. Brushed it into a box, took it across the street and released it.

I still can see her climbing up into thin air. Successfully!

 

The lovely wife Morticia loves spiders. She would would have have rescued it herself, while I stood at safe distance.

 

The lovely wife Morticia loves spiders. She would would have have rescued it herself, while I stood at safe distance.

How very Morticia of Morticia.

 

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy in hopes of opening a gold course.

 

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That's just not ascetically pleasing. I'd stay quiet too in the hopes of not being noticed. I don't think body building on women is attractive. But that's just my opinion. Yours may vary.

 

That's just not ascetically pleasing. I'd stay quiet too in the hopes of not being noticed. I don't think body building on women is attractive. But that's just my opinion. Yours may vary.

I agree with the visually unpleasant perception ... but I think the pic's obviously photoshopped!