Try again, maybe I forgot to post it?

 

Try again, maybe I forgot to post it?


View attachment 246214

How about this?

If a Women is in the Forest and doesn’t make a sound.

Stand in a corner, figure out what you did wrong.

kv

 

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two girlfriends.

 

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two girlfriends.

If you made that up, make a T-shirt or a bumper sticker.

Coin it.

kv

 

Another classic:

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@MaxHeadRoom The only post of your that was deleted in the last several days was the one in this thread that you deleted earlier today.

 

@MaxHeadRoom The only post of your that was deleted in the last several days was the one in this thread that you deleted earlier today.

Self censorship? ... @MaxHeadRoom , the only explanation for that is that you've been a bad boy ...

 

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View attachment 246249​

I don't get it! It looks like a firework that he lit with lighter but it does not show the aftermath! So is he confused by leaving a lighter and not the firework? Only because there's no boom!

 

I don't get it! It looks like a firework that he lit with lighter but it does not show the aftermath! So is he confused by leaving a lighter and not the firework? Only because there's no boom!

The joke's on the kid ... he's so excited while lighting up the cracker that when the wick finally catches he leaves the lighter and runs away with the already lit cracker instead!

 

I don't get it! It looks like a firework that he lit with lighter but it does not show the aftermath! So is he confused by leaving a lighter and not the firework? Only because there's no boom!

Oh, there's a boom alright -only it is off-screen.

 

Oh, there's a boom alright -only it is off-screen.

If thats the case it’s not a cracker, it’s an M80. I wouldn’t want to see that………..

Cases of documented injuries and accidents accompanied civilian M-80 use during the 1950s and 1960s, and still occur, as M-80s are still produced and sold to the public. There have been documented cases of users losing their fingers or hands

What ever that is, it’s not just a firecrack…

kv

 

What ever that is, it’s not just a firecrack…

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The devil is in the details….
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

 

I took my wife to a New Year’s Eve party at a local bar. A woman stood up and said, “It’s almost midnight and I want all the husbands to stand next to the one person who made their life worth living.” As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

The devil is in the details….
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.

“Phil was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Phil’s scrotum, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”

The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Phil.”

The entire congregation held its breath.

“I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

Reminds me of my wife.
Told her a joke about a young woman getting discharged from the hospital after surgery. The Doc asked her if she had any questions, and she said, "how soon can I go back to having sex?" Doctor answered, "I'm not sure, no one ever asked me that question before". The punch line was the doc saying after a "tonsillectomy". She told a friend of hers the joke and couldn't figure out why she didn't laugh, instead of tonsillectomy, my wife said "appendectomy".

Me and our kids are writing a book of her "Pattyisms", her mistake of words. But she is the love of my life, known her since 7th grade in school.

 

Translation:

A Mexican can easily eat a complete Torta like this one for dinner ... but he'll never eat watermelon after dark because "it's too heavy to digest" ...

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Is there a translation for "All this eating, has made me hungry!"

Edit ;you don't have to answer that!

 

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View attachment 246456​

Yet another one that hits close to me. My dentist who I've gone to for over 30 years told me I was a character(because of the joking I do in his office) came home and told my wife he said, that I have a lot of character. She said I miss understood him.