The Maestro had been getting the Philharmonic Orchestra ready to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. He decided that since the bass strings were not needed until the last movement he would have them stay backstage until the orchestra came back from their break to perform it instead of having them fall asleep on stage waiting to perform and embarrass him in front of the audience. So they were sitting backstage and getting bored waiting when one suggested that they pop over to the bar across the street where they usually frequented after rehearsals. After a couple of drinks, someone suggested that they had better hurry back. One of the guys said no need I put some string around the score for the last movement so the Maestro can't turn the page so we have plenty of time. So they had another drink and headed back to the theater and were of course late and the orchestra was already onstage. They crept in and took their places and the Maestro was furious. And why shouldn't he have been? It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded and the score was tied.

 

 

And shes a B L O N D!!!

 

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No, they’re fine just the way they are.

 

Kind - a gives new dimensions to the phrase "I want you to get to know me for my brains".

 

Post #1032 reminded me of this one:

Three old men sitting in the dayroom in the old folks home complaining about how cold it is in their room. The first man says "It's so cold in my room my teeth freeze solid in the glass overnight." The second man says "That's nothing. I can toss my glass of water in the air and make it snow." The third man sits there silent but smirking. "What's up with you?" they ask. "You got to SEE this to believe it!" he said. They got up and went to his room. He pulled the covers off the bed and there on the sheet was a brown stain. He waved a lighter under the brown stain to thaw it out, and down the entire hallway the sound of a loud fart could be heard.

The joke is better when sound effects can be

 

#1036 (pg 52) reminds me of this one:

Kid goes to the zoo with his uncle. "What kind of animal is that uncle?" - - - "What's that?" - - - "And that, and that and that? This goes on all day. Toward the end of the visit they happen upon the deer exhibit. "What's that?" Tired of all the questions he plays with the boy saying "That's what your dad calls your mom each night when they go to bed."

The kid gets this puzzled look on his face. Looks at the deer. Looks at his uncle, back at the deer. Then turning to his uncle with a half smile on his face - he says "Awe unks, that ain't no pig."

 

#1054, pg 53

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Hasn't taken me that long. Just took one (first) wife.

{{note to self - start on page 56}} (that's how far I've gotten so far)

 

Mrs Smith goes to the preacher "Reverand Davis I am so ashamed. My husband keeps sleeping through Sunday Services". The preacher say "Yes I have noticed and I have a plan. Next Sunday when you see me raise my hand you jab him with your hatpin. That will wake him up." The next Sunday Reverand Davis is doing his thing and once again Mr. Smith is sawing logs and snoring a bit so Reverand Davis shouts out "AND WHO IS OUR REDEEMER" and raises his hand. Mrs. Smith gets his signal and pokes Mr. Smith with her hatpin. He shouts out "JEEESUS!" The congregation starts Amening and he sits there wondering what is going on and soon is back to cutting zzzs. Reverend Davis notices and shouts out "WHO IS OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN" and raises his hand and Mrs. Smith again sticks the old man with her hat pin and he screams "OOOHHH GOOOD" and again the congregation gives him a good amen. Mr. Smith looks around bewildered not really sure about what's going on but is soon once again sound asleep. Reverend Davis is really getting into his sermon and has completely forgotten about Mr. Smith at this point and rhetorically asks the congregation "And what did Eve say to Adam after she had borne him 99 children" and raises his hand to emphasize his question. Mrs. Smith thinks he's giving her the sign since Mr. Smith is snoring somewhat loudly at this point so she really jabs him good with her hatpin. Mr'. Smith jumps up off the pew screaming "GOOODAMMMNNN DON'T YOU STICK ME WITH THAT THING AGAIN!!!" Needless to say, that was pretty much the end of services for that Sunday.

 

I have this 1/2 mile loop that I walk almost every day. A large part of the route follows the perimeter of a nearby cemetery. I walk it so often, some of the names are familiar. Today I noticed an unusual marker. Tucked amidst the gravestones. It seemed to be very well maintained, so there is still someone who remembers and cares about Mr. Walter Meter...

 

Went to school with a kid named "Rusty Pipes".

Always wanted to meet a "Benjamin Dover" and his sister - or wife (not sister/wife) Eileen.

 

An old man goes to the doctor, and the following exchange takes place:

Old man: Well, for starts, let me tell you that I'm a regular. I normally poop at 8 every morning
Doctor: That's great! So what seems to be the problem?
Old man: I don't wake up until 9!​

 

An old man goes to the doctor, and the following exchange takes place:

Old man: Well, for starts, let me tell you that I'm a regular. I normally poop at 8 every morning
Doctor: That's great! So what seems to be the problem?
Old man: I don't wake up until 9!​

https://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/tylenol-bm/n12002

 

"Corny" joke of the day!

What did Baby Corn say to Momma corn?

Where's Pop corn?
Max.

 

Went to school with a kid named "Rusty Pipes".

Always wanted to meet a "Benjamin Dover" and his sister - or wife (not sister/wife) Eileen.

Worked with a guy named Richard Reiter, you had better not call him Dick Reiter... Although Dick Trickle was man enough to live with it.

 

A young man dropped off pair of shoes at the cobbler’s shop. The cobbler gives him a claim check which he stuffed in his coat pocket. Shortly after that the young man is drafted into the Army and goes off to serve his country.

He was enjoying his work in the Army so much that he re-upped for an extra year,. Returning to his parent’s house after three years he finds his old jacket in his bedroom closet and tries it on to see whether it still fits. While trying it on he slipped his hand into one of the pockets and found the claim check for his shoes.

The next day he went to the cobbbler’s shop and presented the claim check. The cobbler took the check and disappears into the back room. After about a minute he pokes his head out and says “They’ll be ready on Monday!”.

 

Must be a REALLY OLD joke, I haven't seen a cobbler shop in forever it seems... But a good joke

 

Another very old joke. Man goes into the Rexall Drug Store and he's peering about so the young lady behind the counter asks if she can help him. He stutters and hems and haws a bit and asks where the pharmacist is. She informs him that he is out but should return momentarily. He nods and shuffles off looking about at the items on display in the store keeping a watchful eye out for the pharmacist. She again approaches him and he quickly picks up a packet of violin strings and she asks again if she can help with anything. He says no no I'm just looking about and thanks her and shuffles off again. Time passes and the man is still dawdling about so she approaches him again becoming somewhat irritated and concerned. He quickly picks up a pocket knife and is studying it intently when she again asks if there is anything she can help him with. He looks all about getting red in the face and says just where IS the pharmacist. She replies she does not know but is certain that she can help him with whatever he needs from the pharmacy. Turning beet red he finally stammers out uh umm well could I have a packet of rubbers. The girl gushes out Well I wish you would make up your mind whether you want to fiddle whittle or diddle.

 

Worked with a guy named Richard Reiter, you had better not call him Dick Reiter... Although Dick Trickle was man enough to live with it.

I worked with Dick Butt. What was worse is that he named his daughter Rosie.

 

And there were the infamous Hogg sisters, Ima, Wada, and Ura.