I don't get it! That's not funny! The third guy got it right!

 

Last night,taking a break from playing Scrabble. My girlfriend and I, stepped outside the house for a cigarette. Upon return, noticed our dog had eaten all the scrabble tiles. This morning, we found... She had left us little messages all over the floor!

 

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

 

Two penguins walk into a bar... which is stupid because the second one should have seen it.

I like to cartoon, so I did this one about 10 years ago.


But I did another one showing his beak in back and hat to the front caption reading “Louie I’ve told you, it’s hat to the back and beak to the front” either one will work though lol

kv

Edit: This is the one I thought I lost......

 

The Dwarves Go to The Vatican

The seven dwarves go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarves, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.

“Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “what can I do for you?”

Dopey asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting...

“Dopey screwed a penguin!”...
“Dopey screwed a penguin!”...

 

 

 

View attachment 240720

Had to scratch my head on that one. but I eventually got it, laughing at myself for not getting it quick enough.
Okay, I got one!
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened? The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

 

 

Older guys have different priorities...

An old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her. After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like.

Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”. Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is. “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand. He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:

“Paint my house.”

 

Boss: Do you believe in life after death?
Employee: No, because there is no proof of it.
Boss: Well there is now! After you left yesterday saying that you had to go to your grandma's funeral, she called the office looking for you!

 

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says “You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed”.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

 

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test.

After the test, the manager says “You will be employed at minimum wage, $8.15 an hour. Let me have your email address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an email address. To this the manager replies “Well, then, that means that you virtually don’t exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed”.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25kg bag of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.

After a short time he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his email address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no email, the adviser is stunned “What, you don’t have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, email and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!”

After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied “Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!”

Jokes aside, there's a valuable lesson to be learned from that story... when you apply for a job and it's not given to you, you're not being rejected, you're being redirected...

 

Okay I got one!
I went for an interview for an office job today. The interviewer told me I'd start on $2,000 a month and then after 6 months I'd be on $2,500 a month.
I told them."Ok! I'll start in 6 months.

 

 

Okay I got one!
A 90 year old man walks into an electronic store and asked about two devices that had a difference in prices.
He was asked what was he going to use it for?
"Social media" He replied.
They would both work fine; if anything the nicer one might last a bit longer.
He said "Last longer? Man I'm 90. I don't even buy green bananas"

 

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Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

He stays up all night wondering if there is a dog!

 

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