The Jokes thread

Delta Prime

Joined Nov 15, 2019
1,311
One day, Einstein, Newton, and Pascal meet up and decide to play a game of hide and seek. Einstein volunteered to go first. As he counted, Pascal ran away scrambling to find a great hiding place. Giddily, he squeezed into a crawl space sure that he would win this time as this was his best hiding spot to date and Newton surely wouldn't find an equal. Newton on the other hand, stood right in front of Einstein, pulled out a piece of chalk and drew a box on the ground of roughly 1x1 meters. Once this was completed, he sat down neatly inside the box and waited for Einstein to finish counting. When Einstein opened his eyes, he of course saw Newton and with a bit of disappointment said “I found you Newton, you lose”... but Newton replied, “On the contrary, you are looking at one Newton over a square meter... Pascal loses!”
 

KeithWalker

Joined Jul 10, 2017
3,063
Here's a few one liners to make you smile:

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it….

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist it.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-o.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any
time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, apparently they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro? What a rip off.
 

AlbertHall

Joined Jun 4, 2014
12,345
Just got back from a trip to Waitrose to buy dog food.

A woman in the queue behind me asked if I had a dog & on impulse I said no I didn't have a dog but I was starting the dog food diet again. I said that I probably shouldn't because last time I ended up in the hospital.

She looked worried and asked if it was because the dog food had poisoned me.

I said "of course not - it was because I bent down to sniff a Labrador's arse & was hit by a passing car"!


Moral : always have a smart answer ready if someone questions what's in your trolley
 

MrChips

Joined Oct 2, 2009
30,720
Cycled to local shop for extra bottle of gin so we didn't run out during the lockdown.
But as I put it in my basket I thought, what if I fall off my bike and break it?

So I drank it all outside the shop.

Good thing I did. I fell off the bike seven times before I made it back home.:D
 

joeyd999

Joined Jun 6, 2011
5,237
Cycled to local shop for extra bottle of gin so we didn't run out during the lockdown.
But as I put it in my basket I thought, what if I fall off my bike and break it?

So I drank it all outside the shop.

Good thing I did. I fell off the bike seven times before I made it back home.:D
But now you're out. Stagger back and get more.
 
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