Do you have any original jokes you'd like to share, or do you prefer to criticize others?

 

Heavenly Body

I have been blessed with the body of a God.

Unfortunately that God is Buddha.

 

I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
"How many miles does it have on it?" I was asked.
...and I got an odd question.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
The mechanic took off the rear wheel to replace the chain and told me that the rear axle was broken.
...and I got an odd question and a new rear axle.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
The mechanic then said "It appears that the broken axle ruined the bearings."
...and I got an odd question, a new rear axle and two rear hub bearings.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
The mechanic says "It looks like some of the gears on your gear cluster are badly worn."
...and I got an odd question, a new rear axle, two rear hub bearings and a new gear cluster.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
"It looks like your large chain ring is heavily worn as well." says the mechanic.
...and I got an odd question, a new rear axle, two rear hub bearings, a new gear cluster and a large chain ring.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
Oh, yeah, the mechanic did put on a new chain.
...and I got an odd question, a new rear axle, two rear hub bearings, a new gear cluster, a large chain ring and a chain replaced.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
"That will be $150 Dollars."
...and I got an odd question, a new rear axle, two rear hub bearings, a new gear cluster, a large chain ring, a chain replaced and a bill for $150 dollars.
I went into the bicycle shop to get a new chain...
...and I left with a bike that looked exactly like the one I went in with.

 

Must be something in the water.

 

A wee bit harsh but apparently he and his gang doesn't like PC so it should be fair game

 

Never get behind the Devil in a post office queue, the Devil can take many forms...

 

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Mooning
Why is it called mooning, when you're actually showing Uranus?

 

 

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I don't eat anything that's green *before* I put it into the refrigerator.

 

My grandkids (7 & 5) and I were at Rudy's for lunch last week. Both liked the sauces.

 

Don't know how many people will see the humor in this but I sure had a good laugh.

 

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I still remember the agony.

 

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This is why I wear tidy-whities. Far less risky than boxers.

 

This is why I wear tidy-whities. Far less risky than boxers.

... you just had to put that image in my head ... didn't ya? ....

 

At least it is original. Essentially everyone else copies stuff and claims it as their own, WHICH IS BS.

I consider myself an exception, having copied, IIRC, just one routine (maths) which I adapted to fit my style.

My sole problem: I cannot tell which one from all the routines I use every time.

 

 

AhaJokes.com is proud to present...

The Bricklayer's Accident Report

The Bricklayer's Accident Report...

The next time you're having a bad day, just think -- you're lucky you're not this guy!

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

 

From a Mitsubishi Data Book:

PRECAUTIONS FOR USE
1. Paying much attention is necessary for fear that the M51201L may flow
large current and reach to destroy because of the structure when the terminals
of Vcc and GND of the M51201L is connected wrong position each other.


From a National Semiconductor Data Book:

Precautions should be taken to ensure that the power supply for the integrated
circuit never becomes reversed in polarity or that the unit is not
inadvertently installed backwards in a socket as and unlimited current surge
through the resulting forward diode within the IC could cause fusing of the
internal conductors and result in a destroyed unit.