Family moral dilemma

Thread Starter

spinnaker

Joined Oct 29, 2009
7,830
Some of you might already know my mom is in her early nineties. Other than some arthritis and issues with her back, she is in excellent health.

The back being the worst of her issues. She was in a lot of pain last week. She slipped getting out of bed and fell to the floor. She could not make it to the phone. Fortunately, she has one of those pendents that calls the ambulance.

They came and got her and took her to the hospital. Tonight they transfer her to rehab. She has been there before, after her accident. My mom is tough, super tough. And stubborn When they had her walk the therapist would ask her to walk around the room once, she would say no! I am doing it twice! And with the approval of the therapist she would do it.

She got through therapy and was back to independent living in no time.

My dilemma:

In two weeks I leave for a 10 day bicycle tour. Part of me says, she is my mom and I should cancel and tend to her. But the other part says I can't worry about what has not happened yet and I can't let that rule my life. The airfare, train trip back is already paid for. It would be a shame to cancel when there is no need.

The good news is that she has a ton of friends here to care for her. Her church is unbelievable. Plus my brother is going come up from Houston to spend some time here.

Normally I send my bike ahead to a bike shop. Have them build it and that way it is ready for me when I get there and I don't need to schlep it through the airport. I talked to a neighbor an d he agreed to haul me and the bike to the airport. So that way I can decide to wait till the last minute to cancel.

The other thing I might do is to send it out ahead and have them wait till the last minute to build. That way all I need to do is to pay to have them ship back.

So assuming mom is coming along well in therapy, should I feel guilty going on this trip?
 

crutschow

Joined Mar 14, 2008
34,282
So assuming mom is coming along well in therapy, should I feel guilty going on this trip?
Considering all the support she has from other people, I think you should go and enjoy the trip without guilt.
If she were in immediate failing health, that would be different, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.
 

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
9,156
Should you? That’s a loaded question.

But I look at it from the perspective of why would I feel guilty in a similar situation.
If my Mom depended solely on me, then I might feel guilty.
If my absence could become the cause of her getting hurt, I might feel guilty.
If I left without telling my Mom, then I might feel guilty.

There may be other situations, but only you can ask yourself these questions. Bottom line, I wouldn’t ask if I should feel guilty. I’d ask are there any reasons that would make me guilty?
 

cmartinez

Joined Jan 17, 2007
8,218
Talk directly to your mother, and ask her how she feels about your planned, brief absence.

She will most likely give you her blessing since she already knows she'll be well looked after.

But here's the most important part. Call her every single day during your trip, and don't just ask her how she's doing, but tell her about your challenges and little adventures. She'll most likely be thrilled and looking forward to your next call. And buy her a small gift to prove to her that she's been on your mind all this time.
 

jgessling

Joined Jul 31, 2009
82
You go. It’s only 10 days and she’s tough and she’s your mom and wants you to go. This is just based on your description but I think you wrote that honestly and for us to read.

Get the bike there the most straightforward way. Send her a picture everyday. And you both enjoy it. Love.
 

jgessling

Joined Jul 31, 2009
82
You can also look at crazyguyonabike.com that helps to journal bike trips. Not too sure how it is to set up but the couple trips I’m following on there are doing great. Contact them and see if you can set it up in time. Then your mom can follow along. Enjoy your trip.
 

Thread Starter

spinnaker

Joined Oct 29, 2009
7,830
Talk directly to your mother, and ask her how she feels about your planned, brief absence.

She will most likely give you her blessing since she already knows she'll be well looked after.

But here's the most important part. Call her every single day during your trip, and don't just ask her how she's doing, but tell her about your challenges and little adventures. She'll most likely be thrilled and looking forward to your next call. And buy her a small gift to prove to her that she's been on your mind all this time.

Just did tonight. And of course she wants me to go. :) Heck she could be on her death bed and tell me to enjoy myself. Like I said, she is tough and stubborn. ;)

I always get her something. She likes refrigerator magnets. Her refrigerator is loaded with magnets of all the places I have been. Well I stole one from her. Actually a gift from my brother. It was a cyclist being chased by a bear. Below it, it said meals on wheels. The inside joke for her being she was a meals on wheels volunteer with my dad. But I had to have that magnet so she gave it to me.;)

Refrigerator are easy. Small light, inexpensive. I take a few of Pittsburgh with me on my trips. I give them out when someone does something specail for me. Like maybe host me for the evening.


We gave one to this gentleman. He gave us a motorcycle escort out of town to lead us to the bicycle path. I told him to look macho so I can tell my friends he kicked us out of town. ;)
But he was all smiles before that. He loved that magnet. Tried to put it on his fuel tank. ;)

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Thread Starter

spinnaker

Joined Oct 29, 2009
7,830
You can also look at crazyguyonabike.com that helps to journal bike trips. Not too sure how it is to set up but the couple trips I’m following on there are doing great. Contact them and see if you can set it up in time. Then your mom can follow along. Enjoy your trip.
My mom is 93. She has no idea how to use a computer. :) Her fingers wouln't work on the keyboard anyway. :)
 

Thread Starter

spinnaker

Joined Oct 29, 2009
7,830
I was down to see her tonight. Went there actually to help move her to rehab but that was postponed

The bad news is she had a lot of pain this morning but some of that probably has to due with the fact she had them take her of of the morphine.

The good new is, she walked a fairly good distance and felt a lot better after the walk. Plus she sounds a whole lot stronger than last week and has her sense of humor back too.

I was avoiding going down there today because I am just getting over a sinus infection. At least I think that is what it was. Whatever I did not want to give her what I had.

I had horrible tooth pain. I noticed that a hot shower brought relief so I just kept taken a lot of hot showers. Hopefully over it now.
 

MrChips

Joined Oct 2, 2009
30,708
My mom is 98 and requires 24/7 supervision which we all take turns to be with her. It is hard for you to go on your ride and not feel guilty. She wants you to go. Enjoy your ride and try not to worry about her.
 

DickCappels

Joined Aug 21, 2008
10,153
She seems to have done well without you being there when she fell out of bed. Make sure her supportive friends are aware that you are away and have a great time.
 

jgessling

Joined Jul 31, 2009
82
My mom is 93. She has no idea how to use a computer. :) Her fingers wouln't work on the keyboard anyway. :)
Sorry to hear that. I wonder if you set up on there with maybe a picture a day and a few words then maybe someone could show it to her. I’m thinking for both of you a daily contact would be helpful. Good luck.
 

djsfantasi

Joined Apr 11, 2010
9,156
Not to turn this into a competition ... but my grandmother died at 101 ... she was in perfect mental state until the very end ... one of the last things that she said was "life is just so short" ...
You guys are so lucky. My grandmother lived to 95. My aunt did also. But the last years of their lives were in a fog of dementia. That’s sad.

So, you guys are blessed. And don’t you forget it!
 

MaxHeadRoom

Joined Jul 18, 2013
28,617
It is also sad, to say the least, when you live to a ripe old age, and see your kids and their mother succumb to a malignant disease.:mad:
Max.
 

Thread Starter

spinnaker

Joined Oct 29, 2009
7,830
You guys are so lucky. My grandmother lived to 95. My aunt did also. But the last years of their lives were in a fog of dementia. That’s sad.

So, you guys are blessed. And don’t you forget it!
For the most part my mom is a sharp as a tack. She does have episodes that scare me a bit but that has been going on for years so I guess it is just her being her. ;) Dad lived to 96 and he was super sharp till the day he died. I don't know if we had any dementia at all in our family.
 
The good news is that she has a ton of friends here to care for her. Her church is unbelievable. Plus my brother is going come up from Houston to spend some time here.
^^^There it is^^^ Seems your 'dilemma' is resolved!:) It is not as if you will be leaving her alone! - She'll be tended by friends and family during your absence! --- My advice is that you enjoy your tour in the confidence that your mother is in good hands!:cool:

Most sincerely
HP
 
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